Little Evil Page #3

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He didn't get it.

[SNIFFLES]

So, that's kind of where I'm at right now.

Thank you for sharing, Al.

- Good job.

- Nice work.

Okay, we've got a new guy.

Everybody, please welcome Gary.

- Hi, Jerry.

- All right, Gary.

- Welcome, man.

- Let's go, Gar!

Gary, can you share a little about

what you're going through?

Oh. Uh, no, thank you.

I'm just here to watch.

No, you're not here to watch.

- You're here to participate.

- This is a safe space, bro.

- Okay, all right.

- [AL] You got this, man.

Okay, um...

Well, my wife and I

just recently got married.

And you know,

I'm having a little tiny bit of trouble

bonding with my new stepson Lucas.

And how old is he?

He's about to turn six.

Yeah, we're actually having a party

for him on Saturday.

His real birthday's next Wednesday.

Ah, that's a great age.

He's still very malleable.

And how is it with his mother?

Oh, uh, it's going great there.

I mean, she's just amazing

in so many ways.

[COUGHS] Blowj*bs.

[LAUGHING]

But the fact that you don't get along

with her son

is putting a strain on the marriage?

No. Not really.

It will.

The mom's always gonna side with the son.

Can you tell us a little more about Lucas?

Well, um...

He never really looks me in the eye.

Doesn't talk much,

uh, except when he tells his teachers

to go to hell

or yells at me to get out

of his room using this, uh...

weird little goat puppet thing.

And I-I just...

I get this sense that he's...

That he's evil incarnate?

Yeah.

Well, you're lucky, man.

I got girls. Twins.

And they wake up every morning

literally plotting ways to torture me.

This morning, they replaced my toothpaste

with my wife's Vagisil.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Vagisil. That ain't sh*t.

Yesterday, my stepson asked me

when I was gonna die.

I told him,

"Listen, I don't know that. I...

That's up to God."

He said, "Well, when God does take you,

can I have your van?"

He's five.

- Well, at least he likes trucks.

- F*** that, dude.

- Jeremy pissed on my khakis.

- My kid's worse.

My son sh*t in my sock drawer!

- I stand corrected.

- It's the top drawer.

So, he blamed it on the cat,

but I know it wasn't the cat

because there were Jujubes in the sh*t,

after I looked in it.

You want to talk about malleable?

And that means that he crawled up

onto the f***ing dresser,

turned around, grabbed onto the mirror,

and then f***ing opened the top drawer,

and then sh*t into the top drawer.

In the mirror, he was looking at himself

knowing what he was doing,

shitting in my sock drawer.

And if you think I won't sh*t

in his backpack now,

you got another thing coming.

- Wayne.

- I have it in the trunk.

I'm not saying we all have to do it,

but...

- I'm gonna pencil you in for twice a week.

- Thanks.

And as for you, Gary,

birthdays are a very special time

for kids.

If you step up on this, it could be

a great breakthrough for both of you.

["IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT"

PLAYING]

If you're happy and you know it

Clap your hands

If you're happy and you know it

Clap your hands

If you're happy and you know it,

Then you'll really, truly show it

If you're happy and you know it

Clap your hands

[GRUNTING]

- Oh.

- How we doing there?

Honestly, it's like Lord of the Flies.

It's really cool.

- Everybody good?

- Hey.

Great? Good? Okay.

- Honey, this is amazing.

- Yeah?

- Thank you so much for helping out.

- Yeah.

- Where did you find the clown?

- I have my connections.

Hey, do you think Lucas

is enjoying himself?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Yeah, of course he is.

Oh, hey, Gar Bear, think fast!

- Hey, Al.

- Nice catch, buddy.

- [LAUGHS]

- Thanks.

- This is a great party you got going here.

- Thank you.

Do you guys know my wife Wendy?

- Hi.

- Hi, nice to meet you.

- You, too.

- I'm Samantha, this is Gary.

- And is that your boy Lucas?

- Yeah.

- Birthday boy.

- He's so cute.

- Thanks.

- [AL] You want another drink?

I make a killer Mantini, bro.

Come on! Let's go get gross.

- Okay.

- Go, have fun.

- [LIQUID SPLASHES]

- [ICE RATTLES]

- Cheers. Mm-hmm.

- We're doin' it.

- Ah.

- His real dad is a total f***ing loser.

Sits at home all day long, smoking pot

just to keep himself from freaking out.

That's no way to raise a kid.

You gotta stay sharp.

We gotta be ready at a moment's call.

You never know what's gonna happen.

- We're kinda like first responders.

- That's real.

Here's to getting hammered

and staying sharp.

- All right.

- Cheers, brothers.

Dude, where did you find this clown?

- [AL] Your clown's kinda blowing it, bro.

- Oh, he was supposed to be good.

So what's up with Lucas' real dad?

You have to deal with him much?

No, actually, Samantha doesn't even like

talking about him.

Consider yourself lucky. I hate

taking the kids to their real dad's house.

They come home with stories like,

"Oh, my God, he's so awesome.

He let us play Minecraft for, like,

17 hours straight!"

Then I got to deal

with their rage, you know?

If I were you, I'd find out about

the kid's dad,

because that DNA stuff

can be really wicked.

You gotta find out

if he's got DNA, dude.

- No, we all have DNA, guys, so...

- I'm not sure we do.

- [DAD] I thought it was VNA...

- [DAD 2] No, DNA.

- [DAD 3] I guess...

- [DAD 2] It's your genes.

- [DAD] The kid has it.

- [DAD 3] He's definitely got it.

[DAD 2] No, it's not a disease.

- It's actually... no, we all have DNA.

- [DAD] You don't want it...

I do?

[WHIMPERING]

Never mind. That clown is f***ing awesome!

[SCREAMING]

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

- Oh.

- [YELLS]

- Oh, sh*t.

[DAD] Oh.

- It couldn't have worked out better.

- Yeah. Is that part of his act?

[AL] That's not safe.

- I am so, so sorry about all this.

- [WHIMPERING]

You know what?

Here's a little something extra for you.

I am so sorry.

The child...

he did this to me.

He made me do it.

He made me!

[CHILDREN CRYING IN DISTANCE]

Tammy, Wanda, come on!

Hey, Gar. Great party.

Thanks for raising the bar.

Now all the kids are gonna want

a burning clown for their birthday.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

- [KARL] Yeah, who's there?

- Oh, hi, it's Gary Bloom from the wedding.

Did you come alone?

- Yeah, I came alone.

- Were you followed?

No.

Come on up. Third floor.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Hello?

Hello?

Karl?

Hello?

Huh. [GASPS] Oh, my...

Gary, thank you for coming.

I need you to see this.

[INHALES] Check out this shot right here.

It's amazing, right?

The way the sunlight bangs up

against the lens like that.

Yeah. Sorry. W-Why is the camera, like,

swinging all over the place?

Were you not able to afford a tripod

with the money we gave you?

A tripod?

- Yeah.

- [CHUCKLES]

Well, let me ask you something.

Did, uh, Scorsese ever use a tripod?

Fellini? Cassavetes?

I don't know. This isn't Goodfellas,

this is our wedding video.

Jeez. Thank you very much, Leonard Maltin,

your review will be taken

into very serious consideration.

[CHUCKLES] I gotta ask you something.

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