Little Evil Page #4

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Did your film win "Best Short Doc"

at the Orinda Film Festival last year?

- My...

- Did it?

- No.

- Because mine did.

- Okay.

- That's correct.

Anyway, I think we have

bigger fish to fry here

than your apparent lack of knowledge

about cinema.

- Don't you?

- Sure.

See, I thought that it was strange

when the preacher at your wedding

started speaking in tongues.

Oh, sorry, no. That was Latin.

No, no, no. I thought it was Latin, too,

because I have a keen ear for language

as a filmmaker,

but I put those words

into Google Translations, and nothing.

What?

No known language. And that's Google, man.

You have to listen.

Listen carefully. Open your ears.

It does not sound like Latin.

[SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

So, I slowed down the footage.

[SLOWED DOWN, SPEAKS GIBBERISH]

And I played it in reverse.

[DISTORTED]

Do you vow to protect the child

- come hellfire or brimstone?

- [CLICKS]

Okay, why are you playing

my wedding video in reverse?

I think the more important question here

is why is the preacher at your wedding

asking you to vow

to protect the child in reverse?

Yeah, that's a little odd, too.

You bet your ass it's odd.

When the tornado struck at your wedding,

I thought that was really rotten luck,

but the more I thought about it,

the more I realized,

it wasn't chance that ruined your wedding.

[SCREAMING ON VIDEO]

- It was Satan.

- Okay, um, I think I'm gonna get...

No, no, no, no! Gary, hold on!

Wait! Wait! Just watch, watch this!

Watch, watch.

Run! Run for your lives!

Oh, my God, Uncle Scott.

I didn't even know he made it.

[SCREAMING ON VIDEO]

Oh.

No, no, pay him no mind.

What you need to be paying attention to

is right there in the background.

Those winds were hitting

at 150 miles per hour,

yet not one hair on his head is moving.

Why?

He's wearing a lot of hair gel?

There's a barn being ripped to shreds

directly behind him in frame,

and look at him.

That is not normal.

Does that seem normal to you?

I did some research,

because I f***ing love researching things.

Here it is.

There is a religious group,

or a doomsday cult, what have you.

They believe

a child will rise up from hell,

to rule mankind, and to bring on

the end of the world as we know it.

I think we found that child.

He has risen from the bowels of hell.

And now...

you're his stepdad.

You...

I know.

You need to...

to use your tripod.

No. It's f***ing cinema verit, man!

- I think we're gonna pass.

- No, no! Wait, wait!

Everyone your wife ever dated is dead!

Look at this. Look, look.

A lightning strike?

A heart attack at 32?

A freak mulching accident.

Wait, what did you just say?

They're all dead. All of them.

All except for one.

Gabriel Winthorp.

I found his address on the Internet.

Okay.

We need to go talk to him.

You think about it, Gary.

You call me when you come to your senses.

I have all the equipment all read...

We can use the tripod, Gar!

[KEYS CLATTER]

[SIGHS]

[GASPS] Hey!

[EXHALES]

Hey, buddy, what's up?

What are... What are you doing?

Y-You just... Coloring in the dark there?

Cool.

Isn't it, uh...

past your bedtime?

You want me to turn off the light, or...

[SAMANTHA] Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you so much, Wendy.

I really appreciate it.

Okay.

I know. I know.

I hope Jeremy's nightmares

aren't too bad tonight, too.

Okay. I know. Yeah, okay.

I'll see you then. Bye-bye.

Child Protective Services called.

What?

Apparently, they had calls from parents

saying that we had a dangerous clown

at our party.

Their children are gonna be

in therapy for the rest of their lives.

- Gary, where did you find that clown?

- On the internet. I don't know.

Sweetie, you can't just pick any clown

off the internet.

You're a parent now.

You have to hope for the best,

but you prepare for the worst.

[EXHALES] That's a good point, hon.

I'm gonna stick to that from now on.

- Oh, man.

- They're sending someone here.

Tomorrow.

Wendy said she would come,

and she would help support.

But, Gary, you need to be there too, okay?

[EXHALES]

- Sweetie?

- Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.

Really, Gary?

Yeah.

I will be there.

You know, today I met with

our wedding videographer.

Mm... God, I thought we agreed

we weren't gonna relive that.

Yeah, no, I know, but...

I wanted to see if we could salvage it.

- And?

- We can't.

Okay, do you remember the preacher

when he started speaking Latin?

Mm, such a romantic language.

Yeah, well, as it turns out,

he wasn't speaking Latin,

he was speaking in English...

backwards.

[LAUGHS]

Okay, Gar. W-What was he saying?

He made me vow to protect the child

come hellfire or brimstone.

- I'm serious, Sam.

- Well, at least he made a good point.

In reverse.

Why would he make his point in reverse?

I don't know, Gary. I'm sure people

make points in reverse all the time.

I'm pretty sure they don't.

I mean, maybe Ozzy Osbourne,

but that's it.

So, Gar, w-what are you saying?

I don't know. I'm just sort of...

[EXHALES]

Look, I'm wondering again

about Lucas' biological father.

What does that have to do with anything?

You're his father now.

Well, yeah...

I told you parenting would be hard, and...

- you said you were up for it.

- I did. I did say that.

See, so you just need

to take all this stress

and crumple it in a little ball

and throw it away.

- Maybe you're right.

- Of course, I'm right.

I mean, why don't you

just get out of these?

And I will give you a massage,

and I will take it from there.

Shouldn't we put Lucas to bed?

I tucked him in an hour ago.

[GARY] Oh, man, that feels so good.

[SAMANTHA] Mmm.

Baby, listen, I know that

we're an unconventional family.

I mean, we're not totally normal.

And the way Lucas was conceived

wasn't exactly ideal.

But at least we're together, right?

Yeah, yeah.

I agree 100%.

Hey, r-remind me again

how Lucas was conceived.

- Promise you won't judge?

- No, of course not.

Oh, man, that's the spot right there.

[SAMANTHA] Okay.

Well, you remember when I told you

about that crazy time in my 20s,

where I dropped out of school,

and then I joined that sort of like...

like cult.

Uh, no, I don't think

you told me about that.

Well, I guess they were pretty shocked

to find out that I was a virgin, still,

and so, they threw

this huge ceremony for me,

where they all got dressed up

in these long, flowy black robes,

and they wore these elaborate masks.

And there were all kinds of herbs.

Lots of herbs.

Okay...

Anyway, they were chanting,

and then they put me in this star,

and they covered me in this warm,

red body paint.

And then?

I... I don't really know. I...

must have blacked out

'cause I had this terrible nightmare.

But when I woke up,

I left, and I never looked back.

What? Oh, do...

- No...

- I told you it wasn't ideal.

- You said you wouldn't judge!

- I'm not judging.

I'm just saying maybe this is

the sort of thing we'd talk about

before we get married.

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