Little Evil Page #5

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I was young,

and maybe I was a little naive, right?

But, Gar, I wouldn't change anything

even if I could because now I have...

[FLOOR CREAKS]

Lucas! Hi, honey.

- Hey, buddy.

- Are you okay, honey?

Are you still upset

about that clown Gary hired? Yeah?

You want to sleep with us tonight?

Um, don't you think...

Never mind. Come on in, buddy.

Let's have a sleepover.

All right, snuggle up.

Get cozy.

And no burning clowns in your dreams.

[KISSES]

[SAMANTHA SIGHS]

Tomorrow's a new day.

[LUCAS MUMBLING]

[GRUNTING]

[GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

[GASPING]

She said he was conceived

out of a nightmare

during some satanic cult ritual.

She was young and needed the money.

Doesn't mean anything.

What about the clown?

You think that was normal?

No, no, that was definitely

an unusual clown.

Okay, well, this is gonna sound nuts,

but I think there's a chance that maybe

he caused the tornado at my wedding.

- Who, the clown?

- No, dude. Lucas.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, right.

Yeah, that freaky little kid definitely

caused a tornado at the party.

Al, listen to me. I had worms

coming out of my nose last night.

Jesus! That's, like,

a serious hygiene issue, man.

- Maybe it was a dream.

- Still, you should get that looked at.

This must be it.

Are you sure you want to do this, man?

I hate meeting my wife's exes.

[PRAYING]

Hey.

Hey, yo. Excuse me.

- Hey.

- Hi.

She has begun to cry tears of blood.

Is that right?

We're looking for a guy named Gabriel.

Do you know him?

Gabriel cannot be disturbed.

Okay, well...

He used to know my wife.

I just have a few questions for him,

mostly about my weird

little stepson Lucas.

Follow me. Speak no words.

- Okay.

- No problem.

- [WHIP CRACKING]

- [MAN SCREAMING]

- [WHIPPING]

- [SCREAMING]

- [WHIPS]

- [SCREAMS]

- [SCREAMS]

- Gabriel!

You have guests.

Um...

Hey. Hi, I'm Gary.

Um... This is my friend, Al.

And, uh, you know,

we're, well, we're stepdads.

Get to the point.

Okay. Uh...

I think maybe you used to know, um...

my wife Samantha

and my little stepson Lucas.

God forgive me for I have sinned!

- [SCREAMS]

- Would you stop with the flagellating?

This is why I'm happy we're in therapy.

This is what happens

when you don't talk stuff out.

The end is near.

Oh, Lord, please do not blame me

for what cannot be stopped!

I think maybe we should just go.

You must travel to the old marketplace

in the city of Bethlehem.

Seek out the demon hunter Gozamel.

Only he can help you now.

Bethlehem?

"And they that dwell upon the Earth

did wonder seeing the beast,

that it was a thing,

and is not, and yet now is!"

I'm not following...

Revelation, chapter 17.

The child.

He is the Antichrist!

Okay.

Okay, thanks.

And, uh, thank you for welcoming us

into your beautiful home.

And, uh, we're gonna let you get back

to your stuff...

you know.

Let's go.

[WHIPPING, SCREAMING CONTINUE]

I gotta tell you, man, I'm feeling

so much better about Jeremy right now.

He's a spoiled little sh*t, but at least

he's not the f***ing Antichrist.

Seriously?

Seriously.

- [COUGHS]

- [GROANS]

Wasn't there, like, a sign

or anything when you were dating?

No, I mean, it all moved so fast.

I figured he'd warm up to me

at some point.

You must have had some indication

that kid is, like, pure f***ing evil?

Yeah, Al, all the time.

But you told me that was normal,

that all kids are d*cks.

That's true, kids are d*cks, man.

But this is a different level.

He's like top of the dick chain, bro.

- [MAN ON TV] Breaking news...

- Two more, please.

- Jane Hernandez is on scene where...

- You could get a divorce.

No, I don't want a divorce, Al.

Okay? Samantha's perfect.

She's everything I ever wanted.

She comes with some hefty baggage.

- Al, it is not an option!

- Okay.

[WOMAN ON TV]

Wanda, what do you see there?

[WOMAN 2] End of world followers

of infamous cult leader JD Gospel,

have begun stocking up on canned goods,

rice, beans...

- That's the guy that bought the nunnery.

- When is the end actually coming?

Hey, I think maybe

we should go find this guy Gozamel.

Maybe he could help us out.

Look, I don't know if I told you this,

but I'm coaching Jeremy's baseball team,

so for me getting to Bethlehem, Israel,

is a little out of the question.

- Just right now is not a good time.

- I get it.

- Not a good time.

- There you have it.

I'm Jane Hernandez, reporting live

from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

[MAN ON TV] Next up, cremation or burial?

[CHATTERING]

Excuse me.

Um, we're looking for a guy named Gozamel.

- He's busy.

- Oh, that's great. He's here.

- Um, we really need to see him.

- Yeah, we're on a mission from God.

Gozamel to cashier. Gozamel to cashier.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Um, Gozamel?

I'm Gozamel. You guys were looking for me?

So, what makes you think your stepson

is the spawn of Satan?

- Well, he's just this really weird kid.

- [AL] Super weird, dude.

And he has these beady little eyes that,

like, bore into your soul.

Very beady little eyes.

He manipulates people into doing stuff

they don't want to do.

Jumping out of buildings,

lighting themselves on fire...

And talking backwards.

Sounds like

your average devil child to me.

[WOMAN] This is me.

- When's his birthday?

- We just had his birthday party.

But his real birthday

is the sixth of June.

- How old is he turning?

- Six.

Oh, sh*t, it's him. It's him!

- [GRUNTS] No, I've got it.

- You want some help?

[GRUNTS]

- Oh, that's not...

- You're gonna crush those buns!

I got it!

- [GRUNTS]

- Whoa!

- [WOMAN] Thank you so much, young man.

- Let's go!

But, hold on, we drove.

It's the end of the world!

We'll drop you off afterwards. Come on!

I'm good with that. Come on, buddy!

- Well...

- Let's go save the world, man!

Whoo!

[STARTS ENGINE]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[GOZAMEL] I have been

prepping for this my entire life!

- That's great news, man!

- We're really glad we found you.

Thanks. I got some donuts and beer

in the cooler if you guys want.

- No way!

- Yeah.

Score!

- Gozamel, you're the best, my brother.

- Thank you.

- Is there a seat belt back here?

- Seat belt?

You don't need a f***ing seat belt.

This is the end of the world!

- There are no rules!

- No rules.

I'd still like to have a seat belt.

[GOZAMEL] When I was a kid,

my father told me I have a destiny.

And my destiny was to save the world.

- That must have been a pretty heavy talk.

- F*** yeah, it was heavy, man.

'Cause he was dying in my arms.

But then he bequeathed onto me

the knife of destiny.

And he told me, "You take that little

Antichrist f***-up to hallowed ground,

- and you stab him right in the chest!"

- I'm sorry, what?

But you gotta do it by 6:00 p.m.

on June the sixth.

Man, I was getting worried.

I didn't think it was gonna happen.

- No. What did you say about a knife?

- The knife of destiny.

It's in the little chest of drawers

I built in on the side.

I wanted to make sure

it was next to me at all times.

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