Little Evil Page #6

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Hmm?

Yeah, that's it.

That knife will kill anybody.

No, we are not stabbing my stepson

in the chest!

Yeah, his wife's already pretty upset.

They're not getting along.

That's not gonna help.

We'll burn him alive or drown him,

as long as it's on hallowed ground.

What?

No, we're not doing any of those things!

Did you think

I was gonna play footsie with him?

- I don't know. Exorcise him? I...

- You can't exorcise the Antichrist, bro.

Let's sacrifice a goat.

Something like that.

- Yeah, a goat.

- Why hurt an innocent goat?

I'm just brainstorming.

All right, well, there is this myth

about someone called the Keymaster,

that he could save the world

without killing the kid.

Way to bury the lead, man.

Yeah, let's go find the Keymaster.

[GOZAMEL LAUGHING]

There's no f***ing keymaster!

I made it up.

From Ghostbusters, remember?

- Here. Hand me that thing.

- Ghostbusters. You didn't make it up.

Don't worry, guys.

I've been prepping for this

my entire life.

- There's nothing that can happen...

- No, look out!

- [TIRES SCREECH]

- [CRASHES]

Holy crap.

- You okay?

- Yeah, I think I'm all right.

It's a good thing you were wearing

your seat belt.

Holy sh*t!

- [GARY STAMMERS] Gozamel?

- [AL] Gozer?

[GARY] Gozamel?

[AL] Gozer, you little demon hunter,

where you at, boy?

Gozamel?

Over here!

[GARY] Oh, sh*t!

Oh, sh*t...

I'm sorry I let you down.

I'm sorry I let you down, Daddy!

Buddy, you didn't let your dad down, man.

You... you're the stepfather.

His destiny is in your hands now.

When the time is nigh,

you'll get a sign from above.

Look... for... the... sign.

[AL] Gozer?

- [EXHALES]

- Gozer?

Gozer, buddy?

God! I told you we should have

f***ing caravanned!

- Okay, that might have been a better idea.

- God, this is crazy.

Oh, my God, this is so crazy.

- Dude, bro, you gotta relax, man.

- How can I relax?

- We're in a cornfield!

- So?

What good thing has ever happened

in a cornfield, Al?

Well, I don't know.

Field of Dreams is pretty cool.

Okay. All right, all right.

All right, we're not that far.

We can... We can walk home.

[AL] Well, are we just gonna

leave him here?

Oh, f***.

Give me the knife. Give me the knife.

I'm coming, bro!

All I wanted was to get married

and be happy.

- Have a normal life.

- Nobody has a normal life, man.

No, I know, but, like,

in the realm of normal.

There's... There's a realm.

So, your stepkid's a little evil.

It's not like it's the end of the world.

Okay, maybe in this case, it actually is,

but I'm a stepdad, too.

You know what that means?

I would never leave you

on the battlefield. I wouldn't do it!

[GARY] You know, can we just try

walking in silence rest of the way?

[AL] Yeah, man, no problem.

Was I talking too much?

Total silence. No problem.

[GARY] House is right up here.

We made it. I'm home.

- You're home. Jiggity jig.

- Sh*t.

[SWING CREAKING]

- That's not him, is it?

- Yeah.

He loves to swing.

Okay.

All right, little brother.

I gotta get out of here.

I'll catch you at work tomorrow,

all right? Cool.

Wait. What happened to not leaving

a soldier on the battlefield?

I'm not leaving you, man.

I'm not leaving you, like, forever.

But right now, it's getting kinda late.

It's past my bedtime.

I gotta get my snoozies in

'cause I get real f***ing cranky.

You don't want to see me cranky,

do you, man? Take this.

- Take it! Take it!

- What the hell am I gonna do with this?

- I don't know.

- He's just a kid.

- You're a f***ing warrior! I've got to go.

- What...

I gotta do crosswalk duty

in the morning, man. I gotta go!

Al!

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

Oh, f***.

Oh, sh*t.

[SAMANTHA] You know, Gary really is

just the kindest man.

He is so good to us.

He hasn't totally got

the parenting thing... Gary!

- Yeah?

- Gary! Hi. Come in, please.

- You remember Wendy, from the party?

- Of course. Hello.

And this is Mrs. Shaylock

from Child Protective Services.

- Oh, hi. Hello.

- Hello.

- Very nice to meet you. Yes.

- So nice to meet you.

I am so sorry for being late.

I was racing home from work.

- You work in a cornfield? [LAUGHS]

- [NERVOUSLY] No.

- No.

- No.

- I'm in real estate. And I...

- Oh.

Go walking in cornfields at night,

sometimes to gather my thoughts.

Well, then I would love for you

to share them with us right now.

- Mr. Bloom, please have a seat. Come on.

- Okay.

Can I just... I'm sorry.

I was just telling Miss Shaylock

how you are trying...

- Gary?

- Yeah?

How you are trying so hard

to reach out to Lucas.

That's right. Yeah, yeah.

I'm... I am trying.

It's always so hard for stepdads.

Tell me, Mr. Bloom, all the things

that you do with the dear boy.

Uh, w-well, I've taken him to school...

- School.

- And...

I've tried talking to him a bunch

of times. You know?

Gary helped plan Lucas' birthday party.

The one with the burning clown

that traumatized all the children?

Lucas really looks up to Gary.

I mean, just tonight, he told me

that he didn't want to go to sleep

until Gary tucked him in.

But I just saw him outside on the swing.

Gary, don't be silly.

He is upstairs in his bedroom.

It was the sweetest thing.

He said in his little angel voice,

"Can Daddy please tuck me in?"

- He called him "Daddy."

- What an angel.

Yeah, a fallen...

asleep angel, which I am way too bushed

to put down tonight.

- Go tuck your son in.

- He's probably asleep.

He's probably awake

and waiting up for you to tuck him in.

- [SNAPS] Gary!

- All right.

- "A little reluctant to tuck..."

- You don't need to write that down.

I'll be the judge of that.

All right.

Hey, the lights are burned out up here.

[SAMANTHA]

There is a flashlight on the wall.

This is f***ing bullshit.

All right.

Here we go.

He's a f***ing five year old kid.

Nothing to be afraid of.

Okay.

All right.

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

Sh*t.

You marry a beautiful woman

and all hell breaks loose.

All right.

Hey, uh... hey, Lucas?

You want me to tuck you in, buddy?

Lucas, you in here?

Jesus.

Lucas?

"Erutpar."

- [ROARS] I'm Remi the Lion. Wanna play?

- [EXCLAIMS]

[PANTS]

No, Remi, not right now.

[ROARS] I'm Remi the Lion. Wanna play?

- [ROARS] I'm Remi the Lion. Wanna play?

- I told you, Remi, I don't wanna play.

[ROARS] I'm Remi the Lion. Wanna play?

Shut up.

- [DEEP DISTORTED VOICE] You want to play?

- [GASPS]

Samantha? Somebody?

Somebody, help!

- Why is it so hard for men?

- You have to demand more from him.

[GARY] Samantha? Somebody?

Try reading him a book, you sack of sh*t!

[GARY] Sh*t.

[GRUNTS]

[DEMONIC VOICE] Erutpar!

[GARY GASPING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

[GARY PANTING]

[DOOR HANDLE CLANKING]

[BREATHES SHAKILY]

- [DEMONIC VOICE] Erutpar!

- [GASPS]

[THUDS]

Let me tell you. Whatever a child

is going through emotionally,

it's natural for them

to act out in physical ways.

Please remember,

it is never the child's fault.

No matter what happens,

it is never the child's fault.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

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