Little Evil Page #7

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[GRUNTS]

It was very nice to meet you, Mrs. Bloom.

Of course, you know, I'm going to keep

a very close eye on you and your family.

- [CHUCKLES] Of course. It's fine.

- Very nice to meet you, too...

- Wendy.

- Wendy. Yes. You're parked in front of me.

Oh, I'll be right out.

- [RAINING]

- Oh!

What was going on

with that idiot husband of yours?

- No idea. I am so angry, I could scream.

- [PHONE RINGING]

Oh, it's him.

He must be too scared to come downstairs.

- Wendy, thank you for your support.

- Of course. Anytime!

I could not have done it without you.

Get that woman out of my driveway.

- Happily.

- [PHONE RINGING]

Gary, what on earth are you doing?

[BREAKING UP] Your evil, freaky,

little son buried me in the backyard!

Stop yelling, okay?

- You know I can't understand you when...

- Your evil f***ing son...

[GASPS]

Oh...

Lucas?

Honey?

[CHUCKLING EXHALE]

So creative.

[PHONE RINGING]

Gary? Where is Lucas?

Okay, I'm sorry that I yelled before.

I'm getting a little oxygen deprived.

What? Where are you?

I'm in the backyard.

Bring a shovel and come as fast as you can

or I'm gonna die!

[GASPS]

[PANTING]

[GRUNTS] Gary? Lucas?

[THUNDER CRASHES]

That's it!

Time out, young man!

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[WHIMPERING]

Oh, my God, Gary!

Gary, say something! Are you okay?

I...

want...

a divorce!

Don't say that!

Get out of there, Gary.

Oh, can I? Thanks.

- [PANTS]

- [GARY GRUNTS]

Gary, please don't overreact, okay?

- I know he didn't mean to...

- He didn't mean to?

He just wanted you to read him a book!

I'm pretty sure that's not what he wanted.

I should have insisted that you two spend

more time together before we got married.

Oh, yeah, that would have been great,

getting to know him a little bit better.

You've really outdone yourself, Gary.

Congratulations.

- I've tried reaching out.

- Tried? You drove him to school.

You've tried talking to him a few times.

Excuse me if I didn't buy you

a dad of the year mug.

He buried me alive, Sam!

Children act out because they

don't know how to express their emotions.

You're the adult.

You were supposed to help him.

But you won't even want to look at my son,

because he's not yours!

- That is not why.

- Then why?

Because he's the f***ing Antichrist, Sam!

- That's why!

- [THUNDER CRASHES]

- Listen to me.

- No.

Sam!

Come on, Lucas.

Sam.

Oh, great.

Now it's raining blood, Sam!

Not cool, Lucas!

Not cool!

Fundamentals! Fundamentals!

It was awful.

Just the whole thing, indescribably awful.

I know what you mean, man.

We all been there.

No, you haven't.

Come on, Jeremy. Eye on the ball.

- [GRUNTS]

- That's okay, buddy. There you go!

Look, I hate to say it, man, but I think

you might actually have to kill the kid.

[WHISPERING] No, I can't do it.

Gregory Peck did it in The Omen.

No, he didn't.

He got shot before he could do it.

And I'm pretty sure that everyone thought

he was an awful father after that.

Well, they already think that

about you, so...

- What? Who does? Who said that?

- Nobody.

- Just my wife and all her friends.

- What?

- The school board... [MUTTERS]

- Okay. Okay. All right.

I didn't want to tell you this,

'cause I didn't want you to get jealous.

But I won the Dad ball this morning.

- What?

- Isn't that awesome?

Yeah. That's awesome.

It made me realize

that there's a lot to live for.

A lot of innocent people

are gonna go to hell.

- I know, I know.

- Maybe not totally innocent, but people!

- That's not cool!

- Okay. All right.

You know, you don't have to make it

look like you did it.

You could take him

to King Willie's Water Park.

Get him some floaties, fill 'em with sand,

push him down that big-ass slide.

Nature's gonna take its course.

That sh*t happens all the time.

- That place is a safety hazard.

- It has to be on hallowed ground.

I'm pretty sure that the water park

is hallowed ground. The pope blessed it.

Sam's never gonna let me

near him again anyway.

Go over there,

bring her some flowers, man.

Tell her you're sorry

that you called her kid the Antichrist.

I do that sh*t all the time.

Sometimes, he deserves it.

Marsupials! [CLAPPING]

- Hey.

- Hey.

I am... really sorry about what I said.

You said some awful things. Awful things.

I want to turn this around, Sam.

I really do.

I want to be the man, the father,

that I know I can be.

I know it's his birthday today,

and I'd love if I could just have

a little father-son time with him.

Maybe teach him to swim?

Lucas doesn't know how to swim.

Well, that's what we're here for, Reeroy,

to teach Lucas how to swim.

Ready to go up that big one there?

Okay, how about this?

How about we, uh, go play around,

work up our courage?

Sound good, Reeroy?

All right. Don't worry, buddy.

We'll have a blast. Okay?

Let's go.

I can see clearly now

The rain is gone

I can see all obstacles in my way

Gone are the dark clouds

That had me blind

- It's gonna be a bright

- Bright

- Bright

- Bright

Sunshine-y day

- It's gonna be a bright

- Bright...

Oh, I'm dodging. I'm dodging.

[CHUCKLES] Oh! Oh! Oh!

That's it! That's it!

- I got you. Oh, I got you.

- [LAUGHING]

Oh, my God, are you laughing?

I don't think

I've ever seen you laugh before.

Aw, you and your son

look really cute together.

- Do you want me to take a picture?

- No, that's all right.

Really? It's no problem.

- Sure. Yeah. Why not?

- [LAUGHS]

There you go.

Okay, lean in a little closer.

A little closer.

Great.

- There you go.

- Thanks.

Lucas is ready for the big slide now.

Are you sure? You know what?

We actually don't...

[LUCAS GIGGLES]

All right, listen, Lucas,

these are gonna help you float.

Hurry it up!

We're gonna be one minute.

It's his first time.

I know these feel heavy, Lucas,

but once they hit the water,

they're just gonna get much lighter, okay?

Listen to me.

You don't have to do this.

- Come on already!

- I told you he's not ready!

Do you understand? Oh!

[LUCAS] Whoa!

Oh, no. Oh, my God.

What the hell am I doing?

Oh, what the hell?

God, I don't know if you're real.

If you are, you probably hate me,

but you gotta give me a sign here.

You gotta give me a sign.

You gotta give me a sign.

Give me a sign. Give me a sign.

Oh, my God, that's it.

That's it! That's it!

Lucas!

It is a pretty sweet waterslide.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Lucas!

Oh, my God, Lucas!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh, I'm never taking

my eyes off you again. Okay?

- Okay.

- Okay.

I promise.

Oh, my God.

- You okay?

- [GIGGLES]

- You want to do it again?

- No.

Okay. Yeah. Me neither.

[EXHALES]

[GARY] I'm sorry we lost Reeroy...

your evil goat puppet.

We'll find you another one, all right?

Gary.

- Yes, Lucas?

- I'm sorry I buried you in the backyard.

That's all right, I get it.

Sorry I put sand in your floaties.

That's okay. I get it.

I guess I haven't been

a very good stepdad, have I?

You're still here.

Uh... Lucas, can I tell you something?

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