Little Evil Page #8

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Something I've never told anyone?

Did you know that

I never knew my father growing up?

He split on me when I was just a baby.

So, when I was 20 years old,

I decided to go find him.

And when I finally did,

he told me that I was a worthless loser

who would never do anything with his life.

You know what I decided?

That I didn't have to listen to my dad.

You know, Lucas,

I don't care who your real dad is

or if you were spawned from a cult ritual.

You are you.

And you can be

whoever you want to be, okay?

Daddy?

Yeah, Lucas?

I don't want you to die anymore.

I don't want you to die anymore, either.

And you're right. My real dad

isn't a really good influence on me.

No, I don't think he is.

Hold on. Do you... know your real dad?

Well, sometimes he talks to me

through my toys and the TV.

That's a really good reason

to limit your TV time.

And he said he wants full "custoty."

Do you know what that means?

Yeah. Yeah, it's not good.

Listen, your mom and I

will never let that happen.

Do you understand? I promise.

[PHONE BEEPING]

It's an Amber Alert.

Wait, that's my license.

Sh*t.

Lucas, finish your ice cream.

We got to go.

[POLICE SIREN]

- Hands in the air!

- Okay.

- What did I do?

- Keep 'em up!

[DEMONIC VOICE] You can go to hell!

Don't say that to the officers!

We're working on our manners.

Arms behind your back.

Officer, I think there's a mistake,

I'm his step...

Ow! What are you doing?

My, my, my, my, my.

What a scene. What a scene.

Thank you, officers. A job very well done.

- The boy is safe now.

- What are you doing here?

We told you we were gonna

keep an eye on you.

Oh, Mr. Bloom, you've disappointed us.

We thought you were the one.

"We"? Who... Who's "we"?

You come with me now, sweet pea.

- The reverend will be so glad to see you.

- I don't want to!

The reverend? No. You can't take him!

He's just a child!

Sure he is. And I'm just a sweet little

old lady who evolved from an amoeba.

- Get in the car.

- No, you can't do this!

Daddy!

Daddy, help!

- Daddy!

- I'm coming to get you, buddy.

- Come on, get in the car.

- Lucas!

All right, back up. Come on, back it up.

[CHATTERING]

Holy f***!

[PHONE RINGING]

Hi, Gar.

Hey, it's me. They took Lucas.

- Who took Lucas?

- The CPS lady.

But it's not my fault, I swear.

Now, look...

She's taking him to the reverend,

who I think is a cult leader.

Okay, and they think that Lucas is evil,

which m-may or may not be true,

because, let's face it, in life,

he's gonna make his own choices,

no matter who his father is.

Gary, you don't know

what you're talking about.

I'm talking about free will, Sam!

And I'm talking about him being able

to be whoever he wants to be.

Now, look, I need you to call the police

and settle just a minor Amber Alert.

Hello, my dear. Time to go.

- I am not going anywhere with you.

- Sam?

- [GRUNTS, YELLS]

- Samantha?

- [MAN GRUNTS]

- No!

- Take her to the car.

- Gary!

- Sam!

- Gary!

No! No! No!

She's feisty. Find the knife.

It's here somewhere.

[GARY] Sam? Samantha?!

Sam? Sh*t!

Hey. Hey. Psst. You!

No, I can't be quiet.

You have to come here.

Open this door. Right now! Come on!

Come...

Hey, you gotta open this door.

Okay? My son's in trouble.

I have to save him.

Come on! Open the door! Right now! Please!

Holy sh*t. Thank you.

I gotta go, but I owe you one. Okay?

Save the child.

He is our only hope.

[CHEERING]

- You can do this!

- Don't give up!

[GRUNTS]

[KICKING DOOR]

[DOOR UNLOCKS]

Hey. Hey, hi!

Jeremy, what's up?

Is your dad around, by any chance?

No, my dad left so he could

bang hot women and get high.

Okay. How about your stepdad?

- Thanks, buddy. Gar, what's up?

- Hey. Good to see you.

Um...

- Listen, can you help me saw these off?

- Sh*t.

- They're uncomfortable.

- I been meaning to talk to you anyway.

Let's hit the man cave pronto.

Check this out.

It seems to say that the evil child

is not Satan himself,

but a portal to Satan.

And that by killing him,

that portal will open,

and the real Satan

can then enter his body,

and the end of the world will ensue.

That's what he was saying about

his real father wanting full custody.

Sh*t, dude, that's never good.

Those guys, Gozamel and the reverend,

they wanted me to kill Lucas.

Right, to bring on the apocalypse.

- But now that you dropped that ball...

- They're gonna do it themselves.

- But they have to do it...

- On hallowed ground.

- Yeah.

- If we knew where that was, we could...

The nunnery. Al, the nunnery.

That's why the reverend bought it.

He's gonna have, like,

a blowout party, sacrifice Lucas

and open up the doors of hell.

Doesn't parenting suck?

Yes!

The place is basically a fortress.

There's no way we're gonna be able

to get in there.

- What are you doing?

- It takes a village, you know?

But how are we gonna get in there?

They say there's a reason for everything,

don't they? I think I found my reason.

["TOM SAWYER" PLAYING]

A modern day warrior

Mean, mean stride

Today's Tom Sawyer

Mean, mean pride

Whoa, that's a big truck.

- No, it's a small truck.

- With big tires.

- Is this vehicle equipped with airbags?

- Let's ride, b*tches!

Though his mind is not for rent

Don't put him down as arrogant

- Al, can you go any faster?

- Hang on!

[REVS ENGINE]

[CHANTING]

[GRUNTS]

Did you really think

you could hide from me...

go off and marry some fool

and try to forget?

[GRUNTS]

[WHIMPERS]

This is your destiny.

The end is our destiny!

[CHEERING]

[DAD] Oh!

Oh, f***!

Turn off the vehicle.

Come out with your hands in the air.

What the sh*t is that?

Okay, there may be a bit of

an Amber Alert out on me,

but it's a mistake, I swear.

Can I say at this point?

I think we might be doing something wrong.

We're not doing anything wrong. Okay?

And Lucas, he's not Satan.

He's just a portal to Satan.

And good parenting,

it's about keeping that portal shut.

Man, that's so true.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

Those guys, they can't stop us.

Nobody can stop us.

You know why?

Because this is my destiny.

- I'm with you 100%, man!

- Yeah, me too!

So you're sure

we're doing the right thing?

- Yeah! Yes, we are.

- Yes!

Let's go blow up that nunnery!

- Yeah!

- Ah!

- Al? Do you think we can make it?

- Are you kidding me, bro? Hold on!

[REVS ENGINE]

[SCREAMING]

[CHEERING]

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

[DAD] F***!

[CHANTING]

Brothers and sisters,

the time has come

to revel in the glory of the rapture.

Behold.

He who knows no bounds to evil.

The one, the only...

the Antichrist!

[CHEERING]

- F***!

- Don't stop. Keep going!

Dude, I'm not stopping for anything, man!

- The fence! The fence! The fence!

- Whoa! Whoa!

[SCREAMING]

- We don't have much time!

- Gozer said it has to happen by six.

We've got five minutes!

[GRUNTING]

- It's locked, guys.

- F***!

There's a window!

We can break it and go through it.

Come on, give it a try!

[SHOUTING]

- Get up. Put it up.

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