Little Murders Page #2

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The down elevator jams.

The air on Lexington Avenue is... is purple.

And all the taxis are off duty.

A man on the bus tries to pick me up.

Another man follows me home.

I walk in the door, and the breather's

on the phone.

Isn't that enough to wipe the smile

off anybody's face?

Well, it doesn't wipe it off mine.

Because for every bad thing,

there are two... No, four good things.

There are... There are friends

and a wonderful job...

and tennis,

traveling and skiing...

staying up all night

to watch the sun rise...

flying your own airplane,

horseback riding.

Alfred, I think

I'm falling in love with you.

I said, " I think

I'm falling in love with you."

Alfred, are you

falling in love with me?

I don't know what love is!

- Do you think I'm aggressive?

- I don't mind.

- Do you think I'm too aggressive?

- I like it.

Somebody has to be aggressive.

- Do you like me?

- I think you're terrific.

- Are you attracted to me?

- Come on, Patsy.

Do you want to

make love to me?

- Hey, you're pretty aggressive.

- [Groans]

Your life is in my hands.

- [Chuckles]

- I trust you.

Oh, Alfred, do you really?

- I nearly trust you.

- "Nearly"?

I nearly do.

I really nearly do.

Oh, Alfred!

[Alfred's Voice]

I really nearly trust you!

I nearly... I nearly really...

Patsy, I really, nearly trust you.

[Patsy's Voice]

Oh, Alfred!

- Listen, we don't have to if you don't want to.

- [Muzak]

- No, I want to.

- Are you sure you want to?

No, I think I want to.

Oh.

Oh.

[Phone Ringing]

[Heavy Breathing On Phone]

You're not smiling.

I'll do the kitchen over

in butcher board.

I can get seconds on dishes

in the Village.

Sheets and towels,

Macy's or Bloomingdale's.

A dining room table,

chairs, dressers, a sofa...

we'll go to auctions

over the weekend.

Broadlooms I can pick up

cheap at a wholesaler's.

Oh, bring your photofloods over

from the studio until I find lamps.

I'll have a carpenter in on Monday

to put up a work area, a darkroom...

and you'll need your own closet.

A king-size bed, Sloane's will deliver

in 10 days. In two weeks we'll get married.

Oh, Alfred, I'm so happy.

[Humming]

- I'll bet he's a fag.

- He'll be a fine boy.

I know it in my bones.

What the hell is

the air conditioner on for?

- It's 50 outside.

- It drowns out the traffic.

Well, it's all right

when we don't have guests.

Want people to think we're crazy?

- [Makes Kiss Sound]

- Carol, you're not gonna get that poor boy drunk.

That poor boy

wants to marry my Patsy.

And don't call me Carol.

I hate that name.

I told you never to

call me that name.

You deliberately do that to annoy me.

Call me dear!

- You're gonna love them.

- [Sighs]

- It's not my kind of situation.

- Shh.

I can't stand families.

Now, be good.

- I really want to go home.

- Shh!

I really hate families.

What was the name of that interior decorator

she went to Europe with?

- Howard. He was delicate.

- Swish.

And that actor... the one she went

camping up in Maine with.

Roger. He was very muscular.

Swish. And the musician and

the stockbroker and theJewish novelist.

Oh, they're not like that.

Swish, swish, swish, swish.

I can spot them a mile away.

She draws them like flies.

She's got too much stuff.

Too much stuff.

You wait. You'll see.

This new one, what's his name?

- [Man] Alfred.

- A swish name if I ever heard one.

Are you reading again?

Lesbians of Venus.

Is this what I spent 10,000 a year

on graduate school for?

- Get dressed.

- You lost my place!

- [Doorbell Rings]

- Ooh!

- Patsy, Patsy, Patsy, Patsy.

- Patsy.

- Patsy.

- Oh, my baby girl.

- Oh, Mama!

- [Carol Yelling]

Patsy, Patsy, Patsy!

- You look wonderful.

- Patsy!

- Oh, my daddy! Oh!

- [Yelling]

[Chattering Excitedly]

[Carol Laughing]

[Laughing]

Hey, everybody.

This is Alfred.

[Carol]

Hey, Alfred.

- [All Chattering]

- My baby brother!

[Both Laughing]

Oh, you're so cute.

I could just eat you alive.

[Laughing]

Let your hair grow crazy.

- [Laughing]

- Alfred, have you ever seen such a madhouse?

Will you cut it out?

He's in the house three minutes...

and you're already

putting him on the spot.

Alfred, have you ever seen

anything like this in your life, huh?

Oh, you're just so handsome.

I can't get over it.

I've always had this mad thing

for my kid brother.

Kenny's the comedian around here.

[Laughing]

[Patsy Laughing]

Well, what's your pleasure,

young fella?

Mother, what have you

done to this room?

Oh, nothing special.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

[Carol] If you would bother

to come home more often.

- Uh...

- [Mother] I don't like your looks.

What's the matter with her looks?

She looks like a million dollars.

[Mother]

You got black rings under your eyes.

- Mother, that's eyeliner.

- Uh-huh.

Makes you look exhausted.

- I like it.

- [Mother] Always together.

Do you have the slightest idea

what you're talking about?

- She looks like a million dollars.

- I know.

It's what they're wearing today.

I'm out of step as usual.

What's your pleasure, young fella?

- Why didn't you wear your other outfit?

- What other outfit?

- Will you stop criticizing?

- What other outfit, Mother?

Well, I can't be expected to remember

everything. It isn't as if you still lived here.

Hey, Al. You wanna see

Patsy's old room?

Alfred, Kenny. And he's not

interested in that.

- I bet he is. Want to?

- Maybe later.

- Why should I care?

- Look, he doesn't want to.

Will you stop acting silly?

Well, what's your pleasure,

young fella?

- If I can have a...

- Alfred. Alfred.

Can I shake your hand?

My mother always told us...

you can tell a lot about a person

by the way he shakes hands.

Mmm, you got a good handshake.

- You better watch out, Patsy.

I'll steal your boyfriend.

- [Chuckles]

I'm only joking.

- [All Laughing]

- Oh, Lord.

[Mother] Alfred...

[Chuckles]

Is there something

the matter with your face?

Is there?

Oh, it's just the usual

assortment ofbruises, Mother.

What sort of talk is that?

- Modern talk?

- Well, Alfred's always getting beat up.

- Oh, I don't get hurt.

- What?

- I don't get hurt.

- You don't get hurt?

Your face is a mass of bruises.

Look at the boy, Carol.

- His face is a mass of bruises.

- I have asked you never to call me that name.

- I hate that name, "Carol."

- Well, I have to call you something, dear.

Well, I don't care what you call me!

Just don't call me Carol!

Call him Harriet!

[Laughing]

Oh, you're not being funny, Kenny.

I love your name. I know

lots of men named Carol.

- [Chuckles] Sure. Name one.

- Um...

- Carol...

- Chessman.

King Carol of Romania.

That's right. I am a King Carol.

That's right.

Ha, ha, ha!

What's your pleasure, young fella?

I want to know...

why Alfred gets into these fights.

- [Slapping Alfred's Knee]

- I don't think that's the least bit funny.

Ask him.

Well, there's a lot of little people

who like to start fights with big people.

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