Living It Up Page #2

to be brought to life twice,

and both times in Desert Hole.

You probably thought nothing

was wrong with him, either, huh?

- Going straight through, Art?

- Nope, got a passenger for you today.

A... A...

- Desert Hole, New Mexico. Hi, Homer.

- Hi, Mr Moore.

Oh, no. Not even for the Pulitzer Prize.

Just a minute, ma'am.

They all do that the first time,

but you'll get used to it.

That's what I'm afraid of. Oh, well!

All aboard!

Oh, just lead me to the coolest,

driest martini in town.

I'm gonna take off my shoes

and wade in it.

I'm sorry, ma'am,

but we don't have a saloon here.

But maybe I can get Joe Stevens

down at the drugstore

to tap a new keg of sarsaparilla.

Oh, no. No, thank you. I just swore off.

I'm looking for Homer Flagg.

Do you have any idea

where I can find the poor kid?

I'm the poor kid, ma'am.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Here, give me these bags.

Sit down!

- You mean you're still working?

- Why should I quit?

"Why should I quit?"

Now, there's a headline for you.

Homer, I'm Wally Cook

of the New York Morning Chronicle,

- Oh, how do you do?

- How do you do?

I know it's difficult

for you to talk about it,

but if you could give me

some information.

- Well, it's sort of all over now.

- Oh, never say it's all over, Homer!

Well, I didn't say it, but Doc Harris...

Look, I don't want to hear

about your ailment.

I don't want to hear anything

that isn't gaiety and laughter

as far as you're concerned.

Because, Homer,

I'm taking you to New York.

- New York?

- That's right.

As guest of Oliver Stone,

editor of the Morning Chronicle,

- Now, don't say anything until I tell you...

- Oh, I didn't say anything.

Good.

We're going to lay the whole

cockeyed city at your feet.

The town will take you to its heart.

Everything you've ever wanted,

you'll have on a silver platter.

- Everything?

- Everything.

Could you get the Super Chief to stop

right here at Desert Hole to pick me up?

Homer, Oliver Stone could get

the Queen Mary to stop here.

All of this just because...

Yes, Homer.

That's putting it bluntly,

but I might as well be honest.

You're going all the way to New York

because you've got radiation poisoning.

How far can I go on a sinus condition?

Oh, don't joke, Homer.

It's too serious.

Now, could you show me to a hotel

so I could freshen up?

- Yes, ma'am. There's one right here.

- Oh, I'll take the bag.

I'll take the coat.

- This way, ma'am.

- All right.

Hi, Shane.

Believe me, I'd take you out of this town

if you were my worst enemy.

Have you lived here all your life?

Oh, twice that, ma'am.

Tell me, Miss Cook, when will we go?

Right after I talk to your doctor.

Oh, do you have to?

Our readers like all

the gruesome details.

They're strong enough

to stand the truth.

Yeah, but am I?

Well, here's the hotel, Miss Cook.

- I'll see you later.

- Bye.

Doc!

Love me, love me, love me, baby, too

Hey, Doc. Excuse me! Hey, Doc!

Listen, Doc! Doc! Hey, excuse me, Doc.

- Hey, Doc! Hey, Doc, you gotta help me!

- You got an appointment?

No, but listen, Doc, there's

a reporter from New York, see?

And she wants me to go there with her,

all expenses paid, and you know why?

- Because I'm dying.

- You're not gonna die, Homer.

I just made out a new report

to the railroad.

Oh, you can overlook it, can't you, Doc?

It could slip your mind, can't it?

Every doctor makes mistakes,

that's why we have hospitals.

Look, the retainer the railroad gives me

is the only thing that keeps me alive.

- I couldn't do a thing like that.

- Oh, yes, you could!

Because if you don't,

I'll just drop them a little line myself.

What a fine doctor they got,

takes X-rays of Swiss watches.

You'd be fired.

Then I'd tell them about

their new stationmaster,

who's trying to gyp them out of $300.

Then you'd be fired.

Yeah, that's probably

what would happen.

That is, if we both weren't

honourable men.

- But we are, aren't we?

- Sure.

What would it hurt you to tell one

little teeny-weeny white lie?

I'm sorry, Homer.

I may have been last in my class,

but I'm a doctor.

I couldn't hand in a phoney report.

I swore the solemn Hippocratic oath.

"With purity and holiness,

I will pass my life and practise my art."

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I couldn't ask you to go back

on an oath like that.

You don't have to lie.

Just give me something fatal.

Oh, I couldn't do that, not on purpose.

It doesn't necessarily have to be

radiation poisoning.

It could be just anything

you got laying around the office.

- I won't be a party to it.

- Force yourself!

- No!

- Well, then, I'll help myself!

Now, don't touch that stuff, Homer!

I'll touch anything

that'll get me to New York.

A little of this.

Two cc's of that.

A little of this.

Witchcraft!

Splendid! Reaction!

I'll drink it.

I'm going to drink it.

- What was that?

- Congratulations, Homer.

You're gonna have the healthiest baby

that was ever born in this town.

Oh, that's her. That's her, Doc. Please.

Come on, Doc, give me a break,

will you, please?

Come in.

Remember, Hippocratic oath.

Dr Harris?

Yes.

I'm Wally Cook

of the New York Chronicle,

How... How...

How.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's been such a long time

since I've seen a girl,

I mean, a female girl in Desert Hole.

Well, if you don't mind,

I'd like some facts about

Homer's ailment.

Miss Cook,

we might as well tell the truth.

You see, about those X-rays...

Oh, Homer, you look pale.

I do?

- You're not well.

- I'm not?

- You better lie down.

- What for?

You just rest and let me do the talking.

Yeah, but...

You wouldn't believe me if I told you

what his pulse was.

Oh, the poor kid.

You know, if you're gonna take him

all the way to New York,

he'd better be under

medical supervision at all times.

Oh, don't you worry.

We'll get him the finest doctors

in the world.

Oh, no, Homer has a strange feeling

that no doctor can do for him what I can.

And it's best not to upset him.

After all, his is a very rare case.

Yeah, Miss Cook, you could search for

years and not find another one like it.

You see, Miss Cook,

it's my duty never to leave his side,

as long as I can be of help

with a little faith, a little knowledge

and a deeply-felt sense

of honour and integrity.

Don't stand there, get a doctor!

Just talked to Oliver, Oliver Stone,

my editor.

He's toe-dancing in the streets,

waiting for us.

Half the town is at La Guardia Airport.

What's that down there? What's that?

Oh, that's little old New York.

If you see a red carpet down there,

Homer, that's for you.

And eight million people

will be weeping and cheering

and buying newspapers.

What a way to make a buck.

Oh, don't feel bad, Miss Cook, because

if your newspaper didn't make money,

I'd have never gotten this trip.

So we're even. I just want to have fun.

Then, have fun, Homer.

From the Battery to the Bronx,

it's all yours.

Take it while you can.

Because in a month from now,

they'll have forgotten all about you.

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