Living Will... Page #6

You know what? There is.

How about next time

you control your booze

instead of acting like a retarded skank

on spring break?

- Are you serious?

- Yeah, I'm serious.

If you weren't in the bathroom

puking your guts out, we would have won.

Oh my God.

I don't feel well right now,

so I'm not even gonna get into this

conversation with you.

Fine. Great.

See you later.

Ow.

Ow.

Oh!

Hey, Rollo, thanks for taking me

to happy hour tonight.

I needed that.

Shh.

Yeah!

Yo, brother,

you like your party?

I knew you and the skirt

were on the outs,

so I figured get you some new meat,

get your carrot wet...

young girls,

impressionable,

possibly daddy issues.

Sounds like a party to me.

Party!

All these girls look like

they're in high school.

Exactly. Hell,

I picked up most of them

at the junior high

playground.

No, seriously, they all

think you threw this.

Look alive.

Cut a rug.

Dude, we're all having

a good time but you.

Now check this out... I am rock solid

underneath this.

I've got something

for you upstairs.

Come on, trooper.

Suit up, dick meat,

unless you want me to get

everybody to leave.

- No, let's go party.

- Yeah!

Now let's have

a beer bong!

I'm so glad you finally

came to your senses.

Belcher is gone.

Krista's gone.

It's just us now.

Those emails you sent me

the past couple of weeks

have been driving me crazy.

Emails? What?

Shh, no more talking.

Wait wait.

No, I gotta go.

I gotta go.

- Hey, man.

- Oh.

You set this up,

didn't you?

I knew it.

I knew it.

F*** you, man.

Get the f*** out of my house.

You're always all about

your own agenda.

Just get the f*** out.

I swear to God.

You know what? F*** you.

You're the only person who could see me

and you chose not to.

So go crawl your ass

back to your f***ing

dick mitt Tammy.

- Get the f*** out, seriously.

- F*** you.

A**hole.

We just gotta get this

out of the way.

On the count of three.

One, two...

Hey!

Who does that guy

think he is, man?

That's the K.K.K.

Snowboarder, man.

He can really party.

What the f***?

Just get out.

You guys just get out.

You're worthless.

You're f***ing freaks.

All of you... one, two, three...

get out of here.

I'm serious.

Out out out.

Get out!

Get out of here.

And my best friend...

my roommate...

is f***ing my goddamn

little cousin.

F***er.

I just don't know

what to do anymore.

I just want somebody

to tell me what... can you t...?

Seriously?

Is there anybody

I can talk to?

Krista.

Krista, I love you.

Yo, what the f***

are you doing?

Dude, I am so sorry

you had to see this, man.

Karma's a b*tch,

huh, Will?

What the f***

are you doing here?

I came here to try and get you

your girlfriend back.

I didn't know she was getting turned

into Swiss cheese.

I thought you were supposed

to be my best friend.

How can I even believe

anything that you say?

Dude, I know I'm a dick.

I always have been.

I've learned to deal with it.

But do you honestly

think for a second

I came in here to see

these parts of my cousin...

sh*t, your girlfriend?

I'm upset right now...

not for you,

but for my poor eyes.

I feel like

I was just raped

for being in the room.

Ew a lot.

Dude, I love you, man.

You're my best friend.

You always have been.

There's nobody else.

That's it for me.

I feel the same way.

I love you, man,

like, for real.

You're my best friend,

my soul mate.

Does that "soul mate"

seem too much?

It's pretty gay, man.

It's pretty gay.

Really?

I don't care.

You f***ed

this white boy up.

I'm out of here.

F*** this.

Nothing else matters.

No, it doesn't.

Nothing matters at all.

You had a small dick

anyway.

And you had

a big vagina.

Dude, maybe you should

go check on her.

She's crying her

f***ing eyes out.

F*** her, Belch.

She just turned herself into

a f***ing

double-stuffed Oreo.

I mean, where'd she get

those guys from anyway?

That's besides the point, man.

She's still my cousin.

And to be honest with you,

I actually didn't see anything.

I got here a second

before you did.

What?

I kind of exaggerated

a little bit.

You kind of exaggerated

a little bit?

I'd say that's a pretty f***ing big

overexaggeration, you dick.

You really think so?

I'm pretty sure

they came here to hide

the sausage, bro.

What?

I just assumed.

Look, I'm sorry I tripped you,

but you gotta admit

that was some pretty nasty

business back there.

F*** you, Will. Don't you even

start judging me after what you did.

I thought

you were different,

but you're still

the same jerk you were

that made fun of me and called me

Pissta when we were kids.

Are you trying to tell me that what

you think you saw at that party

justifies you having a threesome

with Murtaugh and Riggs over there?

I didn't f***

those guys, you idiot.

Those are my neighbors.

When you called me,

I had them come over here to pretend

to f*** me just to get you back.

What?

You didn't f***

those guys?

That's fantastic.

I didn't do anything

with Tammy either.

It was this whole

elaborate setup.

An elaborate setup by who, Will?

By Tammy?

You know, I'd really like

to believe you, but I just...

I can't take a chance that

you're gonna hurt me again.

Krista...

there's something

I have to tell you.

Whoa whoa whoa,

don't f***ing do it.

What? I was just gonna...

I know what you were

gonna tell her. Don't.

Don't even acknowledge I'm here.

Don't talk to me.

You want

her back, right?

Well, she's looking at you right now

like you're Gary f***ing Busey.

So just look pretty, dude.

You had something

to tell me?

Um...

- Tell her to give you a minute.

- Just give me a minute.

All right, dude,

seriously, listen to me.

I'm sorry

about everything.

I f***ed up, man.

But everything we just

said back there...

I meant it.

And I'm pretty sure you meant it.

But I'm a ghost.

You can't keep on f***ing

talking to the thin air.

You need something real,

something tangible

in your life,

something that'll

actually love you back.

You need Krista.

That's beautiful.

Will, are you okay?

Tell her you said

she's beautiful.

You're beautiful.

I think

you're so beautiful.

I'm sorry what I said

about your penis, Will.

I didn't mean it.

It's not small.

It's just the right size.

I'm tearing up

over here.

It's beautiful.

It's like a f***ing Hallmark

Hall of Fame moment.

But your dick is still tiny.

Seriously, it's really small.

Like, you could f***

my pee hole.

Good luck.

No-o-o!

No!

Help!

Argh! Will!

Will!

Will!

This just in...

flight 769 crashed

leaving Las Vegas

early this morning

due to technical

difficulties.

Most of the passengers

were coming from

the National

Adult Video Awards.

The flight was said to have

over 50 adult actresses from...

- Will.

...the well-known "Ass Wrangler" series.

- Dude.

- No survivors were found.

Can you imagine how much ghost puss

is gonna be down there?

Lt'd be practically impossible

not to fall into at least one of them.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes