Living Will... Page #5

this is great.

God damn it.

Are you f***ing

kidding me?

Get upstairs.

Okay, let's go upstairs.

Okay.

You're a motherfucking

cousin-f***er...

a motherfucking

cousin-f***er.

Is anybody else in this

room related to me?

Well, stand in

f***ing line,

'cause this is

a cousin-f***er right here.

He's banging everybody.

Do you share D.N.A. With me?

Well, sit on his dick.

Prick.

Are you okay?

Uhhh.

I just, you know...

I think I just want

to take it slow.

Mm-mm, it's a shame.

That came to

a screeching halt.

It seemed like it was

gonna be fun too.

That looked neat.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Sweaty for no reason.

Oh, it stinks in here,

like a lot.

Oh yeah, let's...

everything is fine.

Let's just get

some sleep.

Mess with an a**hole,

you have to deal

with some sh*t.

All right,

we have to come to some

type of resolution here.

Oh, real mature.

You're ignoring me?

I'm the only contact you have

with the living world

and you're not even

gonna talk to me?

Dude, she's f***ing

moving in, man.

I just can't accept that.

Well, you're gonna

have to accept it.

Otherwise I'm gonna call Father Merrin

in here and exorcise your ass.

You wouldn't.

Why wouldn't I?

Krista's really hot.

You're dead to me.

Yeah?

Well, you actually are dead to me.

I'll kill you.

You gotta be kidding me.

You're gonna kill me?

You were just threatening to kill me

by calling that guy from "The Exorcist."

Well, I'm sorry to inform you,

but you're already dead.

Yeah, but you're trying

to make me more dead.

Who knows where I'd end up

if I become more dead?

I could end up in purgatory, hell,

or maybe even

f***ing Delaware, dude. Do you want me

to end up in Delaware?

Whoa, nobody is going

to Delaware, okay?

I'm gonna ask you

real nicely.

I really like Krista and I

think we're good together.

Will you please please

try for me?

Come on.

All right, I will try

to make it work,

but I'm not gonna

like it.

Good. Now I won't have to exorcise

your stinky ghost ass.

You'd have to exercise

your fat f***ing face to the gym.

Your cousin likes me.

Ew.

- Hey.

- Oh, hey. Awesome.

Thank you.

Let's take this off.

You gotta be kidding me.

What the sh*t

is that monstrosity?

- It looks great.

- Well, don't lie to the poor girl.

The damn thing looks like

a retard on a pogo stick

finger-painted it.

Dude, where are

your balls, man?

She just moved in

and already

this place looks like

the Golden Girls live here.

I think

a Care Bear blew up.

I'd rather eat a Band-Aid.

You make me want to vomit.

And any more gay sh*t like that

and you might as well be neutered.

Don't give me

that stink eye.

- Is this level?

- Sure is, yeah.

Oh, "Desperate

Housewives" is on.

Awesome.

Jesus.

You want

some popcorn?

Sure.

"Desperate Housewives"?

I'm taking this.

Dude, give me that back.

Do you want Krista

to walk in and see

a remote control floating

in mid-f***ing-air?

You can have

this remote

when you pry it

from my cold, dead fingers.

Come on, man.

That's my remote.

Forget you, man.

I'm going to

the sorority house.

I hear Pam's new boyfriend

is coming over.

And if what Gina

and Chrissie say is true,

she's gonna be putting out.

I'm not sure how I feel

about Tom though.

And Gina doesn't seem to like him either,

but what does she know anyway?

She's been screwing around

with Bosworth, and he's a Phi Psi.

The guy is like

a walking Petri dish.

Enjoy your

"Desperate Housewhores."

You're a fallopian tube.

Want me to do a striptease

for you, baby?

You bet your tid-bitties,

I do.

You like these?

Oops.

- Who put that floor there?

- I don't know.

You want me to give you

a lap dance?

Yes, so badly.

I hate you.

Oh my God.

Oh, Mommy, Mommy.

Ow!

Ow!

Take it off.

Whoo-hoo!

I dare you two

to make out.

I dare you two

to make out.

And... hey,

I dare you two

to make out too.

My God,

this guy's a genius.

F*** it.

How is it goin',

Samoan?

Dude, could we get some

more suckers over here

to hustle some money

with cards tonight?

The girls at the sorority

house are on break

and I got nothing to do.

I am bored as sh*t.

Sorry, man, Krista and I

are going out

for dinner tonight

and maybe some Quizzo.

We're defending champions

from last week.

Dude, come on, man.

Can't you reschedule or something?

Sorry, man.

Why don't you just hang out

with the boys or something?

- I mean, where are they?

- I think they went

to go hang out in houses

that weren't pollinated with vagina.

Good for them.

Sorry, I guess you're

on your own tonight.

Shut up.

You can suck it, Will.

You can suck it.

Krista's probably

gonna suck it.

Ghostfukt. Com...

the finest ghost f***ing

on the web.

Oh, Belch, you are

a son of a b*tch.

And I'll take

my steak rare.

I like it

"Kill Bill" bloody.

A fine choice.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

After this week

I could really

throw back some wine.

You don't have

to twist my arm.

- How is everything?

- Good.

I hope they got

the steak right.

So few restaurants know how

to cook a steak rare these days.

Oh my God, this thing

is practically alive.

Compliments to the chef.

All right.

Cheers.

Okay, folks, it's our

last and final round.

We need someone

to step up to the forefront

or Floppy Old Man Nuts

are gonna win once again.

Whoo! Yeah!

What's up?

What's up,

motherfuckers?

Yeah, Floppy Old Man Nuts

all up in your grills.

You'd better recognize.

Our final round topic is

'90s sitcom shows.

What? Oh my God,

you guys are f***ed.

You are f***ed

f***ed f***ed.

Floppy Old Man Nuts

are gonna be teabagging

every one of you

people in here.

Yeah!

F*** off.

I don't feel so good.

All right, folks, our next

question this evening:

A young Matthew McConaughey

and Ben Affleck

were featured in this

all-time stoner flick.

A young Matthew McConaughey

and Ben Affleck

were featured in this

all-time stoner flick.

Well, hi, Will.

Tammy.

How are you?

I've been okay,

I guess. You?

I'm fine, I guess.

Who is she?

She looks familiar.

That's Krista...

Belcher's cousin.

I miss you.

Oh, Krista,

this is Tammy.

All right, folks,

the next question:

Who played crackhead...

I'll be right back.

Who played

crackhead Pookie

in "New Jack City"?

How long are we gonna

keep doing this?

Doing what?

This. How long are

we gonna keep faking it

before we give in, Will?

You know,

we're only human.

Why are you still here?

Are you okay?

You don't

look so good.

You're not one of those

bulimic girls, are you?

No, you're much

too heavy for that.

You'd better end

this game fast, Will.

I'm not waiting

for you forever.

What?

Sir, we need your

scorecards now, please.

Oh, what was

with last night?

I don't know.

I never lost in Quizzo

like that before.

We should have

cleaned house.

Not that. What was with your

slut ex-girlfriend?

She was,

like, stalking you.

Are you sure there isn't something

you want to tell me?

What? Yeah, actually.

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