Living Will... Page #4

worth your time.

Worth my time?

Worth my time?

I'm a ghost, dude.

All I have is time, you dipshit.

Besides,

would you consider

getting to see B.T.B.

Lathering up with a loofah

worth 12 hours of your time?

I know I would.

B.T. B?

Big-Tittied Brunette?

Swish.

The one and only.

Oh, no way.

I think it would be worth

12 hours of my pitiful life

to see that.

I could die happy.

Sh*t, I could die

all over again.

I could die, like, four times.

I could die infinity

just to see that f***ing

tied race of two zeppelins

chasing at my face.

I wanted to sleep in them,

- if I wasn't dead.

- Yeah.

Yeah, it's hard

to sell that to a girl.

Hey girl.

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, just trying

to figure out

why my breasts are

getting so swollen.

Mine are kind of sore

right now too.

My nipples are getting

really long and hard.

Well, maybe if you touched them...

can you tell me,

do they feel odd to you?

Does this feel odd?

As long as they feel

normal to you ladies.

- I trust your opinion.

- Yeah, nice and bouncy.

You're such good friends.

Whoa, man,

she sounds like

a fairy princess.

Wait a minute, what do you care about

seeing naked chicks anyway?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,

can you still get a...?

Where are you going

with this, shark bait?

Can you...?

Can l...?

I don't know.

Can you still get a...?

You're making me feel

really awkward.

Awkward? Seriously?

This is the first goddamn

thing I would ask you

if you showed up on my front step

as Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Yes, I jerk off.

Is that what

you're groping for?

Yeah, that's one way

to put it, I guess.

I beat the sh*t out of this thing.

Are you serious?

This thing's got

miles on it.

Hell, it's got gum

stuck on the bottom;

it's got a cigarette burn;

gravel shoved into the tip;

and my foreskin looks like

it lost a catfight.

So yes, I jerk off.

Are you happy now?

- I beat the crap out of it.

- Ew.

People have stepped on it

and I didn't even notice.

So can you still...?

What happens when you...?

What happens with the...

whew?

Now I'm the one

who's uncomfortable.

Yes, I have a triumphant

and glorious end

to all my beatings.

So when all things

coincide...

you know what I mean?

...when I blow...

- Got it.

- It feels great,

but since I died,

I can't see it.

So it kind of just goes

haywire wherever.

So I gotta focus it and get in

the specific spot. But I can't see it,

so I assume you mortals

can't see it either.

How do you know?

Well, did you take

a shower today?

Yes.

Did you notice anything

on your towel?

No.

Then you can't see it.

Oh, come on, really?

My towel?

Why? There are so many

other places.

If you had a black light

right now.

It would look like

a dancehall in here.

What's up with the dog,

seriously?

Belle here is the best

friend I've ever known.

She hangs out with me all day long,

unlike my other friends

who go to their stupid

job and ignore me.

You stole someone's dog?

I didn't steal her.

She's free to go whenever she wants.

Right, Belle?

I'm going to bed.

- Just get rid of it, okay?

- Nope.

Unless it takes ghost-dog shits

and eats ghost-dog food,

then get rid of it.

Why do I like you?

Just get rid of it. I'm going to bed.

Good night.

Do what you must.

The dog's staying.

Good night, man.

Nice tuxedo, man.

He likes your coat.

You want to hear

the strangest part?

I think this lady

must be a freak.

I found some of her ladies' things

in my husband's briefcase.

And I was gonna totally

bust him on it,

but I don't think

I have enough evidence.

Don't break it.

Dude, sorority f***ing row...

amazing.

What are we doing later?

'Cause the Sigmas

are having a 10:
00 mixer

and those filthy f***ing whores

are sausage wallets.

We are not doing

anything.

Seriously, what are

we doing, dude?

Look,

there's something

I gotta tell you.

Spit it out, Rain Man.

I'm kind of going out

with your cousin.

What? What cousin?

Your cousin Krista.

Pissta Krista?

I should have

f***ing known, man.

This whole time you were

tiptoeing around, acting all weird.

And I just thought you were

out sucking dude dick

or you had some fat broad on the side

you were trying to hide from me.

I don't want you

dating her.

I don't think

you have a choice.

How in the sh*t

do I not have a choice?

Well, you're kind of dead.

Wait a minute.

Where did you even see my cousin at?

Where was it, Will?

At your funeral.

My funeral?

Did you even take

a minute to mourn me

or did you just stampede your dick

into my family members?

I didn't f*** her, okay?

You didn't f*** her? What, did you

just finger her in the bathroom?

Did you eat her out on top

of the f***ing casket?

F*** you.

All right, well,

I gotta go.

You gotta go.

Prick.

You've been busy, huh?

Yeah, I have been,

kind of.

You holding up okay?

Yeah, I've been

hanging in there, I guess.

You suck!

Is there

something wrong?

Uh, no no.

I'm just... I was just

a little flustered when you

mentioned Belcher, that's all.

That's bullshit.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

There's just been

so much going on.

I'm just feeling a little

squeezed out lately, you know.

You're a cousin-f***er!

I'm going to the bathroom.

Okay.

I knew you were here,

you f***.

I can't believe

you're getting all wah-wah

with my little cousin

at the f***ing bar.

Wah-wah? What, is that

supposed to be porn music?

What are you trying to imply

with your shitty sound effects?

You know exactly what I'm trying to imply,

Will, exactly what I'm trying to imply.

And for your information,

that was

a perfectly dead-on

porn recreation.

Not that it's any

of your business,

but I was nowhere near

bow-chicka-bow-bow with Krista at the bar.

And that's how you do

porn music.

You have an ugly penis.

Well, don't f***ing look.

Whatever, man. Just stop getting all

chicka-pow-pow

with my little f***ing

cousin at the bar.

That is "Seinfeld" music,

you dipshit.

And you know what?

For your information,

I'll chicka-chicka-chicka-pow

with whoever I want to

whenever I want to

wherever I want to.

110% with you, huh?

Belcher out.

Did you just say that?

Belcher out?

Get the cum out of

your ears, b*tch lips.

Well, maybe

if you stopped sticking your

dainty-cake ghost dick in my ear,

I'd be able to hear

a little better.

Yeah, f*** you too,

greaseball.

Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine.

Where were we?

Well, I mentioned Scotty

and you kind of

freaked out a bit,

so I won't

do that again.

Yeah, let's not talk about

Scotty Belcher anymore.

Whoa, getting a little

frisky there, William.

Yeah.

Bow-chicka-bow-bow.

Okay, easy there, tiger.

Look, I've been thinking

a lot about what you asked me.

But before I answer you,

I want to make sure

that you're

100% over Tammy.

Krista, I am completely

over her, 100%.

Well, if you're

absolutely sure,

then my answer is yes,

I will move in with you.

Great. Great.

This is...

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