Liz & Dick Page #5

LET ME BE CRUEL, NOT UNNATURAL.

I WILL SPEAK DAGGERS TO HER

BUT USE NONE.

MY TONGUE AND SOUL IN THIS

BE HYPOCRITES.

HOW IN MY WORDS:

SOMEVER SHE BE SHENT.

TO GIVE THEM SEALS NEVER,

MY SOUL, CONSENTS.

Man:
ALL RIGHT, GOOD.

THAT WILL BE ALL

FOR TODAY.

WHAT DID YOU THINK?

I THOUGH IT WAS WONDERFUL.

NO, I WANT YOUR OPINION.

WELL, I CAN'T TELL YOU

A THING ABOUT ACTING.

DID I EVER TELL YOU

I LEARNED EVERYTHING

ABOUT FILM ACTING FROM YOU?

I WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE

IN FRONT OF A CAMERA

UNTIL I SAW:

YOUR STILLNESS.

THANK YOU.

BUT I STILL WOULDN'T TELL YOU

ANYTHING ABOUT STAGE ACTING.

AND YOU WERE GREAT.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

Man:

GOD WILL PUNISH THE IMMORAL!

GOD WILL PUNISH:

THE IMMORAL!

YOU'RE IMMORAL!

YOU ARE IMMORAL!

YOU ARE BAD:

FOR OUR FAMILIES!

[ SHOUTING CONTINUES ]

[ HORN HONKS ]

"REPENT YOUR UNGODLY WAYS" --

THAT'S A NEW ONE.

YOU'RE GOING TO HELL!

YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVEN' READ THE NEWS TODAY.

NO LESS THAN THE VATICAN HAS

MADE A PRONOUNCEMENT ABOUT US.

THE VATICAN -- RIGHT.

[ HORN HONKING ]

[ SHOUTING CONTINUES ]

THE POPE.

WHAT?

WE'RE GUILTY

OF EROTIC VAGRANCY?

[ HONKING CONTINUES ]

AND A DANGER TO THE VERY

INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE?

YES, AND, APPARENTLY,

KATE'S SCHOOL IS A BIT UNHAPPY

WITH OUR BEHAVIOR, TOO.

I'M SO SORRY, RICHARD.

[ HONKING CONTINUES ]

YOU MUST TALK TO EDDIE.

FOR GOD'S SAKE, HE'S BEEN

DRAGGING THIS THING OUT FOREVER.

HE SIMPLY MUS GIVE YOU A DIVORCE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

THIS STOPS NOW.

[ SHOUTING, HONKING CONTINUES ]

JUST NEED YOUR SIGNATURE.

YOU KNOW,

I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO ADD.

HE'S BEEN DOING A NUMBER

IN HIS ACT FOR OVER A YEAR --

CLEO,

THE NYMPHO OF THE NILE.

MM-HMM.

WELL, IT STOPS NOW.

I'LL BE DAMNED IF HE'S GOING TO

MAKE A DIME OFF OF ME

AFTER WE'VE DIVORCED.

[ ELEVATOR BELL DINGS ]

HI.

UM, WE HAVE A RESERVATION

UNDER "SMITH."

HMM.

HERE YOU ARE,

MADEMOISELLE SMITH.

THANK YOU, SIR.

NO, IRENE'S

BRINGING A DRESS,

AND RICHARD'S TRYING HARD

TO FIND A MINISTER

THAT WILL:

ACTUALLY MARRY US.

IT'S HARDER TO FIND SOMEONE

TO MARRY US THAN I THOUGHT.

I HAVE A UNITARIAN.

HOW ARE YOU WITH UNITARIANS?

ARE THEY LEGAL?

AS A KING'S SEAL.

OH.

THEN UNITARIAN IT IS.

DO YOU,

RICHARD WALTER BURTON,

TAKE ELIZABETH ROSEMOND TAYLOR

TO BE YOUR WIFE?

I DO.

AND DO YOU,

ELIZABETH ROSEMOND TAYLOR,

TAKE RICHARD:

TO BE YOUR HUSBAND?

I DO.

BY THE POWER:

INVESTED IN ME,

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU

MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

THAT'S IT?

"THAT'S IT?"

[ Chuckling ]

IT TOOK US TWO YEARS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HAPPY?

MORE THAN.

PERHAPS NOW:

THEY'LL GIVE US SOME PEACE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

Clerk:
ENJOY THE PLAY.

Man:
THANK YOU.

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

Richard:

WHERE IS MY BLOODY WIFE?

[ WOMAN GASPS ]

GOD, THAT WOMAN KNOWS

HOW TO MAKE AN ENTRANCE.

I FEAR I WILL NOT LIVE

TO HEAR THE NEWS FROM ENGLAND,

BUT I DO PROPHESY THE ELECTION

RIGHTS ON FORTINBRAS.

HE HAS MY DYING VOICE.

SO TELL HIM:

WITH THE OCCURRENTS

THAT HAVE SOLICITED

MORE AND LESS.

THE REST...

IS SILENCE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE ]

COME!

IN THE WORDS:

OF THE IMMORTAL BARD,

THERE WILL BE:

NO MORE MARRIAGES!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

INTENSIFY ]

[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]

IFOR.

RICHARD DIDN'T TELL ME --

WILL YOU ACCEP MY APOLOGY?

FOR WHAT?

I WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU.

YOU'VE MADE HIM

VERY, VERY HAPPY.

[ LAUGHS ]

THANK YOU.

JUST...DON'T BREAK HIS HEART,

PLEASE.

TRUST ME -- HE'LL BREAK MINE

BEFORE I BREAK HIS.

ELIZABETH.

YEAH.

ELIZABETH, YOU SIMPLY HAVE TO

MEET THIS MAN.

THIS IS:

ERNEST LEHMAN.

I'M A WRITER.

"SWEET SMELL

OF SUCCESS."

"NORTH BY NORTHWEST" --

WE LOVE YOUR WORK.

WELL, THANK YOU.

I WISH YOU'D WRITE

SOMETHING FOR ME.

ACTUALLY,

I HAVE SOMETHING --

"WHO'S AFRAID

OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?"

OH, I LOVE THE PLAY!

BUT WE COULD DO I TOGETHER.

WELL,

YOU START A NEW FILM --

"THE SPY

WHO CAME IN FROM THE COLD."

YES, BUT I COULD DO THIS ONE

AFTER THAT.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE A LITTLE

TOO MASCULINE FOR GEORGE,

AND I CAN'T QUITE SEE IT.

AND I CAN'T IMAGINE THE TWO

OF YOU FIGHTING LIKE THAT.

OH. WELL, DO YOU HEAR THAT,

MY LITTLE SUGAR TART?

HE CAN'T IMAGINE

US FIGHTING.

WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER,

BECAUSE WHY WOULD ANYONE HIRE

A VOMITING VAT OF VODKA

LIKE YOURSELF?

WELL, AT LEAST WHEN I VOMIT,

I MAKE MELLIFLUOUS SOUNDS,

UNLIKE YOUR LITTLE

MOUSE-CRAP SQUEAKS.

OH, MELLIFLUOUS?

YES.

MELLIFLUOUS?

WHAT WAS HE -- SOME ROMAN

HOMOSEXUAL THAT YOU BUGGERED?

[ LAUGHS ]

MELLIFLUOUS,

BRING ME MY WINE.

THAT'S WONDERFUL,

DARLING.

SEE, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND --

WE ENJOY FIGHTING.

[ LAUGHS ]

WE REALLY DO.

WE'RE MASTERS OF THE ART.

I GUESS WE COULD WAI UNTIL AFTER RICHARD'S FILM.

...LAURENCE OLIVIER

FOR "OTHELLO,"

ROD STEIGER:

FOR "THE PAWNBROKER,"

AND RICHARD BURTON

FOR "THE SPY

WHO CAME IN FROM THE COLD."

THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE.

AND THE WINNER IS...

LEE MARVIN FOR "CAT BALLOU."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

IT MEANS NOTHING.

MM. THAT'S EASY FOR YOU TO SAY.

YOU'VE ALREADY GOT ONE.

AND I'M HERE

TO MAKE SURE:

YOU REMEMBER:

THAT IT MEANS NOTHING.

I LOST TO LEE MARVIN.

[ BOTH LAUGH ]

I MEAN, I LOVE LEE,

BUT "CAT BALLOU"?

HE BEAT ROD AND OLIVIER,

TOO.

[ SIGHS ]

IT'S A FARCE.

I DESERVED THAT.

IF YOU REALLY WANT ONE,

I'LL GIVE YOU MINE.

DON'T PATRONIZE ME.

I DON'T WANT YOURS.

I WANTED THAT ONE.

I'M TRYING

TO CHEER YOU UP.

WELL, DON'T!

[ SIGHS ]

BE A BIG SULK, THEN.

[ SIGHS ]

OKAY.

BE A BIG, PATHETIC,

SAD SULK, THEN!

DAMN IT, WOMAN,

CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THIS HURTS?!

NO. NO.

[ SIGHS ]

FORGIVE ME.

PLEASE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, GOD.

[ LAUGHTER ]

...PUKE.

WHAT?

YOU MAKE ME PUKE!

WELL, THAT WASN' A VERY NICE THING TO SAY.

YOU'RE FANTASTIC.

OH, THANK YOU.

YES, THAT'S MY GAL --

THE VERY ESSENCE

OF A FRUMPY FISHWIFE.

...A SIMP.

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN GOT...

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

YOU'RE CASTRATED

AND GOING TO SEED AND TALLOW?

TALLOW?

THAT'S RIPE COMING FROM YOU,

MY LITTLE BUTTERBALL.

AT LEAST PEOPLE LIKE BUTTER.

THEY EAT IT UP.

LET'S GE THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

I LIKE IT HERE.

YOU JUST DON'T LIKE I WHEN I GET ALL OF

THE ATTENTION, DO YOU?

I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN YOU GE ALL OF THE ATTENTION?

THEN WHY THE HELL

DID I MARRY YOU?!

I HOPE THAT WAS:

AN EMPTY BOTTLE, GEORGE.

YOU CAN'T AFFORD

TO WASTE GOOD LIQUOR.

ELIZABETH, YOU CAN STOP.

THE CROWDS AREN'T WATCHING.

LIKE I CARE:

WHO'S WATCHING!

ELIZABETH, STOP IT!

THIS IS NOT YOU!

OH, YEAH?

WHAT'S ME?!

IS THAT ME?!

IS THAT ME?

[ GASPS ]

OH, GOD.

IS THAT HOW I LOOK?

WHY WOULD ANYONE WAN TO PRINT A PHOTO LIKE THAT?

THEY USED TO ONLY PRIN THE NICE, GLAMOROUS ONES.

[ SIGHS ]

[ CHUCKLES ]

I LOOK LIKE QUASIMODO.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE PAYING MORE

NOW FOR THE UGLY ONES --

CANDID SHOTS.

WHY? [ SIGHS ]

WHO WOULD WANT THAT?

I DON'T CARE.

I WILL LOVE YOU EVEN IF YOU GE AS FAT AS A HIPPO.

NO, YOU WOULDN'T.

TRY ME.

[ MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING ]

[ TELEPHONE RINGING ]

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