Lloyd the Conqueror

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[ SKATEBOARDING ]

ANDY:

It is here where our story begins.

A magical land that knew

peace for many, many years.

The sport of larping,

also known as

Live action role playing,

Was enjoyed across the

countryside by all who played.

(JOYFUL LAUGHTER)

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

But a shadow soon

fell over the land.

The dark one, Derek,

began his study of the larp,

Twisting its rules

to ensure victory.

His success

attracted many admirers,

Who easily became acolytes

in what was known as

The black crusade.

(YELLING AND CHEERING)

(WARRIORS YELLING)

ANDY:
And the spirit of the game

was lost with their coming.

Fear replaced fun.

And treachery

replaced teamwork.

Holy sh*t.

(APPLAUSE)

ANDY:

Derek's grip grew stronger each year,

Until none

questioned his might.

And yet, whispers of change

are heard in the wind.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Can it be that a champion will

stand against the dark one?

And if so, is there

any chance of victory?

Kicking, kicking.

Kicking.

Yes. Good job.

Good job.

Ha, ha, ha.

- Ha!

- Oh!

[SWORDS CLANGING]

Stop it, Patrick,

you're making me lose.

Don't blame me

for your suckitude.

Oh sweet, I have

a gun in each hand.

Hammer brothers.

[SWORD SLASH AND SCREAMING]

You made me die.

I'm just trying

to help you, Oswald,

It's called

negative reinforcement.

Look, if you're not

gonna respect me,

At least have some

respect for the game.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[SWORDS CLANGING]

So check this out,

on my way home,

I happened to pass

where that hot chick

Teaches kung fu or whatever.

You just happen to pass

by that place every night,

You creepy bastard.

Yeah, but this time I happened

to glance in the window,

And me and her

made eye contact.

I'm 90% sure she smiled.

Like a rye, half smile.

Wow, that's like a fairy tale.

You guys wouldn't understand.

Anyway, let's get started

on this presentation.

What presentation?

The Beowulf project

for lit class.

I thought that wasn't

due till next week.

It is due in twelve

and a half hours,

And we've completed

approximately zero percent,

So that's literally putting

it off till the last minute.

I'm pretty sure that you and Oswald

said that you two would write it,

And then I would present

it in front of the class.

We did not.

I distinctly

remember you saying

I didn't have

to write anything.

I did not.

We're all gonna work on it.

We have to present a concise

analysis of an ancient text,

To the harshest

grader at the school

And you guys

are completely-

What is this Oswald?

Agent danger iii, die

dangerously, the video game.

I have been waiting

forever to play this game.

It's got multi-Player.

How about this,

we play one round,

Just to cleanse our palates,

Then we start

working on the project?

No, no way.

Are you shooting with

a gun in each hand?

Yeah.

Check this out, I'm gonna

shoot this guy in the junk.

VIDEO GAME:

Nut shot.

(LAUGHING)

Sweet.

Ok, one round, then

that's it, I'm serious.

[VIDEO GAME GUNFIRE

AND SWORD CLANGING]

Quit looking at my screen.

I'm not.

How are you finding me

every round and killing me?

That's like asking a

bumble bee how it buzzes.

Got ya, got ya, got ya.

I'm not playing

with a screen looker.

You're a screen

looker, dill hole.

It's 4:
00 a.m.

Better hit the sack.

Me too.

What about the project?

We need a ten minute

report on Beowulf.

Beowulf?

More like

gay-O-Wolf.

Oh good, now we

have an opening.

Hey, don't stress

about it, Lloyd.

We'll throw something

together in the morning,

And I'll draw a

picture for visual aid.

Yeah, no sweat.

Have you guys even read it?

Patrick has my copy.

It was a little

dry for my taste.

We are so screwed.

[GUNSHOT]

[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]

Enter.

Dark mage Derek,

sovereign of gremloire,

Chieftain of the orc hordes,

I humbly beseech your audience.

Granted...

I suppose.

Did you have something to say,

Or are we just enjoying

each other's company?

It's the grand larping council.

Look, if I'm to have time

to fail all these quizzes

Before lunch, I need

you to get to the point.

The grand council has

decreed there will be no

Final battle at the end

of this year's season.

What?

They said there's not

enough teams registered.

They said you're

scaring everyone off.

Oliver, can you explain

to me how I will be

Declared champion if

there is no tournament?

Well you won't, there will

be no champions declared,

As there is no final battle.

Well that is the silliest

thing I've ever heard.

Am I to be punished

for excelling

In the deadly art of battle?

Yeah.

The grand council doesn't

want to see me win again.

They want to stop me

before I break the record

Of the white wizard.

It's all gnome politics.

Shut up, stop your groveling.

Well played grand

council, well played.

But you'll find it takes

more than politicking

To defeat the lord dark mage.

What we must do is

recruit a few fools

To register under

the forces of light.

But where does one

find such dimwits?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

I told you I had

it covered buddy,

Just five minutes.

DEREK:

Whenever you're ready, ladies.

Yes. Oh Jesus.

Um, as you can see,

here's Beowulf, and he was...

well he was the greatest

warrior in the land.

And uh, he was six foot nine,

And had long-

Short black hair.

It's not to

scale, but he's-

LLOYD:

He swam half the time,

And also carried a weapon.

The shield fell off.

And uh...

oh, and he killed grendel.

We will now take questions.

Is this a joke?

This is it,

we goofed around too long,

And now we gotta pay the price.

Your negative

attitude is really

Bringing me down

right now, Lloyd.

Lloyd, all we have to do is just

take the class next semester.

Next semester?

You guys realize we

lose our financial aid

If our grades drop

below a 'c' average.

So?

I have a 'c' in all

my other classes.

Yeah, we're not idiots.

Oh no?

No. Not idiots,

are you sure?

If you take the 'c'

from your other classes,

And you add the 'f'

from this class,

That brings you

to a 'd' average.

Uh oh.

I can't help but feel partially

responsible for this situation.

You guys always do this.

You have one simple task

you have to accomplish,

And you get distracted

by some dumb...

[SIRENS]

Oh man.

Hey, f*** you and

the horse you rode in on!

I know you don't mean that.

I'm so sorry if I inconvenienced

your precious day.

I'm- I'm sorry,

Maybe you have me

confused with somebody else.

I saw the ambulance,

And just wanted to

see if everyone was ok.

Oh, uh, sorry about that.

The neighbors always complain

when the ambulance comes.

I just thought you

were one of them.

No, I'm not.

Lloyd.

Cassandra.

Anyways, I better.

Hey, do you get a lot

of ambulance visits, or?

Well, our training targets

keep getting injured.

I teach a woman's

self defense class,

Sometimes they get

a little enthusiastic.

So do you need to

know karate for that, or?

Not really, he's mostly

just there for me to

Demonstrate different

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