Lloyd the Conqueror Page #2

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grappling moves on.

So what, he just puts on pads

and you wrestle for an hour?

Nothing too glamorous.

I was just showing

the girls how to

Choke out a guy using

only your inner thighs.

Um, it's a really weird

coincidence really because

I've been wanting to get into

women's self defense for like,

As long as I can remember,

and now, you have an opening.

There's no pay,

it's strictly volunteer.

It's not about the money.

Oh, that's an

attractive quality.

Identify a problem,

move in with a solution.

Well, you know me.

Well, you don't

like know me, but.

Ok Lloyd, I'll see

you Thursday at 8:00.

Ok, hey, thanks,

see you on Thursday.

I move in with

a problem, no, I-

I move in with a solution,

I move in with a solution.

Guys we have a problem,

If we don't

bring our grades up,

We will lose our financial aid.

The solution is

that we go in there

And ask very

politely for a redo.

Wow. I really like how

you just took charge,

And clearly stated

what you wanted to do.

So we go in there

and be very polite,

And ask nicely for a redo.

If he wants to shave a monkey

and roll it in pine nuts first,

Then we do it. Ok?

Alright.

Oswald here can give him a

hand job, to sweeten the deal.

- No, I will not.

- You damn well better.

If it comes to it, we will

all give Derek a hand job.

Fine.

Are you all three shaft men,

Or will one of you

be working the balls?

(LLOYD SIGHS)

Just so we're clear, gentlemen,

The only reason I'm seeing

you is because student bylaws

Demand I must provide

all of my students

With a minimum of five

minutes of outside class time.

(LLOYD CLEARS HIS THROAT)

Sir, we were hoping

to talk to you

Regarding

yesterday's presentation.

These bylaws, however,

state nothing about

Actually having to listen.

You now have four

point five minutes.

What is all this stuff?

P*ssy repellant.

We need to know if we can have

a redo on the assignment.

We really need to

pass this class sir.

A redo?

That would only be fair.

Really?

Well yes, you had two

weeks to do an assignment,

And you did no work.

Aw, come on dude,

it's community college!

What do you mean by that?

It means that you're...

I think what Patrick

is trying to say is that

We know we made a huge mistake,

But we are very sorry.

I don't think that's

what he meant Lloyd,

- I think it's...

- It's not.

There must be some way.

I think there might

be two ways actually,

Slim and none.

We will literally

do whatever it takes.

Not whatever it takes,

I mean, there's a few things

we're probably not gonna...

Oswald.

Whatever it takes.

There might be one way.

Name it.

The infernal accord.

[MUSIC STOPS]

DEREK:

No one?

A literary device, also known

as making a deal with the devil.

A party makes

a deal with Satan,

Knowing the odds are

stacked against him,

But his desire is so great,

He's willing to risk

his immortal soul.

And then he wins

against all odds?

No, in post-Victorian

gothic literature,

The protagonist always fails,

And is thus damned to

the eternal fires of hell.

You want us to sell

our souls to the devil?

I want you to register

in my larping league

Under the forces of light.

Do this, I will

supply you dick weeds

With enough extra credit

to maintain a passing grade.

And if we win the whole

thing, do we get like an

Extra, extra credit?

You would have to

defeat me to win.

Yeah, so what do

we get when we win?

If you manage,

by some magic feat,

To win, I'll give you an 'a+'.

That grade, in my

class, gentlemen,

Is as elusive as the

mythical one thousand sided die.

- We accept.

- What?!

Lloyd, what are you doing?

Where do we sign up?

The den of he,

Formerly known as

the white wizard.

And is that a real place?

The sentry box, in Kensington,

By the discount carpet store.

The entry fee is $50.

(QUIETLY) $50?

Time's up gentlemen.

Now leave me to

my dark studies,

Before I change my mind.

So does this mean that we

still have to come to class?

Alright, ok.

PATRICK:
I hope this isn't

what we're expected to wear.

It's just a painting

for the wall.

It looks comfortable.

- Would you do that orc?

- Yes.

With a condom.

I'm sorry sir,

that's not something

That we usually keep in stock,

But uh, I can certainly special

order a loin cloth for you.

Yeah, oh, I definitely

recommend athletic support.

Or you could just

tape it to your leg.

Yeah, oh yeah.

Good day sir.

We are well met, young one.

How may I be of service to you?

The larping tournament thing,

Can we sign up for that here?

Oh, you wish to brave

the ancient lands,

Beyond the gale pass shores,

Where tribes of krakentroll

Slaughter unwary pilgrims

such as yourselves.

If that's where the tournament

is at, then I guess so.

Actually it's usually

out at the park

Behind the old elementary

school, but uh...

DAGMAR:

Foulest treachery!

Yes, no, the

book of rules states

That such a

maneuver is allowed.

You- You side with Jorgen

just to gain flavour.

Sorry about that.

Tempers can get

quite hot around here.

Yeah, well actually

we're not too familiar

With the sport of larping.

Ok, I've seen some pretty

scary stuff in here,

But will someone please give

me a little clarification

In what we're getting

ourselves into.

Live action role

playing, or larping,

Is not easily summarized,

It is many things

to many people.

Don't you guys just bang

each other with fake swords?

I saw an internet video

where a guy with a wizard's hat

Threw tin foil

balls at his cat.

ANDY:

Its not just about sword play,

Or mysteries of the

arcane and incantations.

Larping is more pure,

it's about casting aside

The shackles of the mundane,

Throwing yourself

in harm's way,

For the sake of

something more noble.

Yeah, so like capture the flag,

Except with fake swords.

And you could say that sex is

Wrestling without clothes on.

Dude, have you even had sex?

Trust me, I've wrestled

without clothes on.

My romantic life is not the

topic of discussion here.

He didn't mean any harm.

I am not naive as to the way

That larping is perceived

by the outside world.

And I will not allow

you to joke about

Something that

we hold so dearly.

Please leave.

No, no, you have

to let us sign up.

I am a level 80 wizard!

I don't have to do anything!

Go.

You too moor, go.

Thanks a lot man.

You always do this, why do you

always douche out like this?

Ok, you know what,

look, just chill,

I'm gonna sort it, alright?

Hey, I'm sorry,

I didn't get your name.

I didn't say it.

But I am Andy, son of Chester,

Keeper of this

humble house of games.

It was once known

as the white wizard,

But uh, that was

a long time ago.

Uh, so are you a good wizard,

or a bad wizard?

I serve the king,

And protect those that

cannot protect themselves.

Oh good, because

me and my friends

Signed an infernal accord

with an evil warlord,

Who has beseeched incredible

injustice upon us.

Injustice?

Yeah, horrible.

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