Lloyd the Conqueror Page #3

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And the only way is for us

to enter this tournament.

May I ask the identity

of this dark warlord?

His name's is Derek.

Derek?

He teaches one of our classes.

I am aware of Derek the unholy,

Servant of the gremloire.

Really, you know him?

Yes, and I can't sign you up.

Why not?

For your own safety.

But we want to join.

Trust me,

you'll thank me later.

Wait, this is like

a public thing, right?

I suppose, if you want

to lean on a technicality.

Get the forms,

we're not joking around here.

Are you sure I can't

talk you out of this?

No.

I must warn you,

Your entrance fee

is non-Refundable.

Well?

Oh, you mean now?

Yeah, now would be fine.

Oh, sign this,

I'll be right back.

Can you believe this guy?

Yeah, I can.

Never mind, Oswald.

You will need these,

inside is all the information

You will need to lead

yourselves to victory, or not.

Great, thank you.

Your first match is Saturday,

Your opponents are the danes.

What?!

Prepare the camera,

I would like a photo of my

extreme victory for our blog.

They are mighty warriors,

And you must be prepared

if you plan to defeat them.

Awesome.

Good luck, young warriors,

You will need it.

How much for this?

I'm a man of peace.

[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]

Come in.

LLOYD:

Open the door!

I said come in!

My hands are full,

open the door!

What did he say?

I don't know, something dumb.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey... buddy.

We couldn't hear you

over the television!

What's all that junk?

Stuff for our

weapons and armor.

We have to make our own?

This is already annoying me.

Why do we need armor?

Come here, I'll show you.

Ow! That was

really unnecessary.

Was it?

What were those warriors

that just fought naked,

I'll just be one of those.

I think you have larping

Confused with the

dream you had last night.

Oh ho ho.

Touch.

Been reading these books,

and it says the first thing

We need to do is to come

up with our characters.

Oh, I'll be agent danger,

that way I get to

Carry a gun in each hand.

We're gonna be fighting

orcs and krakentrolls,

Not ninja terrorists.

What the hell is a

krakentroll anyways?

I don't know, it's like a

Monster or something,

I don't know.

No, no, according to this book,

it says it's a twisted spawn

Of an unholy union

between troll and demon.

This just keeps getting lamer.

I was gonna tell you guys,

I found out that orcs typically

Eat their enemies after

they defeat them in battle.

So?

That's some twisted sh*t, man!

They eat people, Lloyd!

Shhh.

Dude, we're not gonna

be fighting real orcs,

Just virgins painted green.

You know if we sit around

making clever jokes all night,

Those virgins are

gonna kick our butts,

Because we won't be prepared.

Whatever, I'll just

do mine in the morning.

Yeah, me too, I wanna

finish this chapter.

But we agreed

we'd do this tonight.

You're the one who

wants us to win so bad,

So it only seems fair that

you make all our armor,

And all our weapons.

Ok, 'a', that's stupid,

'B', what about

your characters?

Just pick something.

We don't care.

You know what, fine.

I wouldn't want either of you

To put any effort

into anything ever!

Oh, hey Lloyd,

Can you make my armor

like extra thick?

Ugh.

Thanks.

What am I supposed to be?

You're a fairy wizard,

You cast spells with your wand.

Why do I have to be the fairy?

I thought you didn't care

what your costume was.

So disappointed

in you right now.

You are a warrior.

I wanted to be a hobbit.

Be a hobbit warrior.

I can't even see

out of this thing.

Not my problem.

Good morning, my young

warriors, and fairy.

Hey Andy, we haven't

spotted the danes yet.

Really, they're

usually very punctual.

Orcs have landed.

Come on, let's get them.

Prepare for the horde.

What is the meaning of this?

We have come to make battle

with the sub creatures,

To teach them the

futility of their quest,

And give them a

taste of the future,

Without having to

build a time machine.

The danes were

scheduled for this match,

Not your foul horde.

Yes, it was the

strangest thing,

I gave them exact directions,

But they called an hour ago,

Saying that they

were completely lost,

And going to be late.

Control, we got a

potential situation here.

We are going to

commandeer this steel chariot

To take us to the land

beyond the galepass shores.

We have agreed

to stand in for them,

So they will not

be disqualified.

Wait, we have to

fight him already?

I'm afraid so,

it is within the rules.

Take your positions.

On this spot, over

3,000 man years ago,

Two armies collided in battle.

Really, right here?

The orc raiders,

led by the dark mage,

Derek of gremloire,

attacked the outer

Settlements of

the human's empire,

A trail of bloody

corpses marked their path.

(YELLS)

The emperor foresaw the green

skin incursion, and dispatched.

Who's your leader?

Fairy baron Patrick

von hugen balls,

Slayer of orc scum.

(PATRICK SPITS)

That's really not necessary.

The emperor's edict was simple,

Protect the settlement from

The foul stench

of the orcish horde.

Humans, to win,

you must prevent the orcs

From reaching the settlement,

and pillaging their women.

Or slay them all.

Prepare yourselves.

Hark, the drums

of war beat loudly.

[PATHETIC WHISTLE BLOW]

Let the larp begin.

The baron throws

caution to the wind,

And charges the orc line.

Ow, it hit me in the eye.

The hobbit warrior has been

slain by the cruel orcish arrow.

I'll avenge you Oswald!

I will use your scalp to

make booties for my brood.

You won't.

Ow, ow, ow.

PATRICK:

Orc scum.

Get away

from me you-

Aaaah!

[PATRICK SCREAMING]

I will cast resurrection

so Oswald may live again.

- Thank you Lloyd.

- You got it.

Erectus obsecuis

labitra, pro homo.

A success.

Rise young Oswald.

Is my still supposed to hurt,

Because it does, a lot.

DEREK:

I will counter that spell,

Nexium, orcana,

zethromat, formatta.

(CHEERING)

And the spell

has been countered.

What?

Now please be seated.

Ha. Give up.

I shall cast

teleportation on myself.

My destination

is the park bench.

Lourdes, bombalus,

scenip, valtraxium.

ANDY:
And the spell is a success,

unless-

Quick, Lloyd, counter it,

Otherwise they'll win.

I- Sh*t,

I- I can't find it.

And you never will,

with the basic spell book.

Teleportation is only

in the limited edition

Twelfth anniversary of

the advanced spell book.

That's the lamest

thing I've ever heard.

You are calling me lame?!

Look at me!

Feast your eyes on me,

drink it in,

Look at my cool helmet!

(CHEERING)

ANDY:

Victory to the orcs.

OSWALD:

No! Why?!

(CHEERING)

Well fellas,

what did you think?

You were right, we should

have listened to you

When you were trying to

convince us not to join.

Yeah, we suck.

And my eye still hurts.

I want my $50 back.

Your $50?

No, no, I want my $50 back.

No, no, no,

$50 is my standard fee

For wearing a fairy outfit!

Hold on a second.

You know, the elven kingdom

of gorg was not built in a day.

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