Lloyd the Conqueror Page #4

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Your instincts were impeccable.

I have not seen newcomers

with so much potential

Since before

the black crusades.

Yeah, I think we're

just gonna call it quits.

Well, remember, the entrance

fee is still non-Refundable.

I tried to warn all of you.

Whatever.

We'll figure

something else out.

There has to be another way.

You know, I think you're gonna

have to give Derek that hand job.

Shut up.

You shouldn't limit yourselves

to the physical realm.

Look inside, perchance a

heart job is the solution.

Gross.

Do you gentlemen know the

story of the two foot mage?

No.

Ha ha, it's a marvelous story.

Anyway, the two foot mage

was missing two things.

Listen, I don't care.

You know the details of

the story aren't important,

The moral is about having fun,

Which has been a rare commodity

Since Derek and

his black crusades.

LLOYD:
Listen,

maybe it was kind of fun,

But if we win we get

an 'a' in Dereks class.

Well, I could come out of

retirement one last time,

And train you.

Why are you retired?

It's a long story,

I swore I'd never

take on another student.

Yeah, but you're like a

level 80 wizard, I mean,

That's pretty good, right?

I can melt faces with

the flick of a finger,

And the role of an eight sided

die, so yeah, yeah pretty good.

Wow.

Do you really think you

can help us win this thing?

Well, it won't be easy.

But by krom,

we'll give it our best.

I demand a cooler costume!

That can be done.

And it wouldn't

be a terrible idea

To think about maybe

adding another team member.

Maybe somebody

more uh, warriorly.

I know just the bad ass.

Alright, throw it like

you mean it, Rosie.

Hiya.

Ok, ok, um, ok.

Just imagine some dirty

pervert is about to

Soil your flower, ok,

he's got his filthy hands

All over you, and the

only way you can stop him

Is to crush his windpipe!

Yah.

Don't worry,

I'm sure when it happens,

You will have the

eye of the tiger.

Alright, girls,

let's partner up

And practice

what we've learned.

You have a real gift.

Oh, for teaching,

yeah I don't know,

I just do it to pass the

time and stay in shape, I guess.

Really?

You're such a natural.

My real passion is

competitive cage fighting,

But I'm banned

from all the circuits

Due to unnecessary cruelty.

What if I told you I had a

Competitive fighting

opportunity for you?

F*** you man, no, I don't do

that Russian bullshit, ok,

It's not sanctioned,

you guys have f***ing

Ripped me off

way too many times.

Ok, no, whatever that is,

This is not that,

this is different.

It may sound weird,

but I actually need some help

Fighting some

wizards and elves.

Oh, look, hey man,

In another time I

used to hang out in

Little Tokyo,

walking the street,

Looking for every

chance I could to bite

The head off the golden monkey.

I would have done anything

for just another toke,

I would have

sold my own cousin.

I was sleeping on the streets,

Using my own shoes as

a pillow, but I kicked it.

Yeah.

I f***ing kicked it,

and I found this,

And you can too.

You can, ok, but I

run a drug free dojo,

So get the f*** out of here

until you get your sh*t clean.

No, no, I'm not

smoking the smack.

I'm actually talking

about a sporting type thing

My friends and I got

involved in called larping,

And it's where you dress up and

pretend to be wizards and hit

Each other with foam swords,

and it's kind of fun, kind of.

And I need it to maintain

my financial aid at school.

Hmm. I guess my

mother was right

When she said I'd regret

not going to college.

Good one.

But I really could use

your help, volunteering,

In much the same way that

I selflessly volunteered

To help you, here at the dojo.

Ok, I need to

practice on someone.

Will it help you say yes?

Practicing helps me think.

Ok.

What do I do?

Punch me.

Ha ha, I'm all into equal

rights and everything,

But remember I'm

a man, and therefore

20 times biologically

stronger than any woman.

Just do it.

Ok, but only because

you're a professional.

Here it comes.

Ow, that was totally awesome.

Do you have to wear costumes?

Yeah, I can help you

make one if you want.

Ya!

I'll pick my own costume.

Ok, yeah, cool.

LLOYD:
And then,

she threw me to the ground

With some crazy ninja move.

It was so cool.

You realize you are bragging

you got beat up by a girl?

Yeah, but her boob brushed

against me while I was pinned.

- Really?

- Yes.

Well, it might have been her

knee, but I don't think so.

So hold on, you're saying that

if this girl joins our team,

That we all get

the same treatment?

No, but our team is

gonna be so bad ass.

Wait a minute,

I'm onto you buddy.

- What?

- What?

This whole larping thing

is just one of your

Weird plans to

get with this girl.

No, it isn't.

I read your book you

magnificent bastard.

No, we're doing

this to get the 'c',

So we can keep our financial

aid, and stay in school.

Besides, the other day

was kind of fun, right?

Yeah, it was ok.

Ok, fine, but I want you to

understand something about

This Cassandra chick, you say

she's all into cage fighting,

And seizing the

day and all that.

Right.

Well, mentally she's a dude,

So you need to stop

pussyfooting around,

Just be direct with her.

I'm not just gonna

ask her out, man,

I need to lay some groundwork.

No, don't ask her out,

Just start talking dirty

to her, see how she responds.

What?

Ok, hey look at me,

say hey, Cassandra,

I think your honey pot

needs a hot beef injection,

See how she reacts to that.

My guess is positively.

Wow.

That's some really good advice,

how can I ever thank you?

Hey, Patrick, do you think that

would work with my girlfriend.

That dude off the

internet doesn't count.

ANDY:

Now that we're all here,

Will everyone please make

a circle around me, join hands.

The bond that holds

this circle together

Is the same bond

betwixt all those

Who take part in the larp.

Now tell me, what force

quickens this band of warriors.

LLOYD:

A sort of moderate commitment?

Protein?

Lloyd, commitment,

that was an answer.

And yours was also

an answer, sort of.

But there is a dark side.

King Weiner, aka Derek.

Huh, foolish yes,

but not the darkest, no.

That mantle belongs

to my former protege,

So promising, so powerful.

Andy?

It's still hard

for me to talk about.

What is?

Nothing, uh.

Release the circle.

It's time for you to

choose your characters.

Can I be a robot sent back

in time to battle the orcs?

Huh, it appears that my guidance

is needed, young Oswald.

Give me a word to

describe yourself.

Um, deadly, but happy.

Dwarves are the

happiest folk I know,

Until roused to anger.

I'll be berserker barbarian

dwarf warrior, aroo!

ANDY:

Excellent.

Battle cry needs a little

bit of work, but...

Arooo.

Oh no, I didn't mean now,

work on it later at home.

Later.

Patrick, what quality

guides your foot?

My devilishly handsome face.

Perhaps your wits

match your looks.

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