Lloyd the Conqueror Page #5

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Doth a halfling rogue conceal

himself in your heart?

What?

Do you think maybe you

could play a halfling rogue?

- Think about it later.

- Yeah.

Cassandra.

I'm fast, and I

can land a punch.

Yes, and if you

learn to use a bow,

You would be the spitting

image of an elvish ranger.

Cool.

- Lloyd.

- Huh, yes.

I noticed the other day

that your instincts were to

Cast a spell to

protect your friends,

Rather than to lash out

at the enemy in anger.

Yeah, I guess those paladin

guys are pretty cool.

Warrior priests, indeed,

They're very cool.

Well, you have a long

road ahead of you,

It has really just begun.

There is much work

still to be done here.

We have a little something

to assist us in our training.

Oswald.

I did a little research,

and I discovered that

Business type groups keep

up their productivity,

By measuring their

overall efficiency,

Using charts and other graphs.

I call it,

LLOYD AND OSWALD:

The wall of awesome.

I helped.

LLOYD:

Agent danger is at the top,

And lameness

increases exponentially

The further down you go.

PATRICK:

Who's that guy at the bottom?

That's George

Washington carver.

He was my idea.

Isn't that the guy that

invented peanut butter?

Why is the father of

peanut butter the most lame?

Hey, my granddad

died of a nut allergy.

PATRICK:

We should put your granddad down there.

Hey, my ferret was hit by one

of those electric hybrid cars,

So that should be on there.

I'm not saying the wall

of awesome is perfect,

But it's something.

ANDY:
This fearless tribe of

warriors possesses many gifts,

All of which

you will call upon,

While facing the

dangers ahead of you.

With the creation

of your characters,

You've all dedicated

your minds to the larp.

Now it is time to dedicate

your bodies, and your hearts.

As we progress, you will

all feel your bodies change,

Your hands will

move more surely,

Your eyes will

see more clearly.

Hair will grow where

it never grew before.

That's actually just a nasty

rumor, Patrick, believe me.

Shall we continue?

There are two types of magic,

The first is

precast battle magic.

These are your lightning

bolts, and arctic blasts.

No, what are you doing?

Those are live

rounds my friend.

They are to be used in battle,

against an opponent, like this.

Please cover your ears.

Please, for your safety.

Lightning bolt.

As you can see, quite deadly.

The second type of

magic is spell casting.

Your comrade has been

struck by a poison arrow,

He will die within one round,

unless he can heal himself.

Poison, ok.

Ok, here, general

antidote spell.

By Odins beard,

I banish-

How am I supposed

to recite the spell?

This is your spell book.

Your brain.

In hand to hand combat,

your skills are astounding.

I know.

But the elves' first weapon is

the bow, so please, fire away.

By Odins beard,

that was close.

Sorry.

Try again, but this time,

Focus on the target,

not the weapon.

I have the

highest faith in you.

Oh wait, hold on a second.

Fire away.

You truly have a mighty

warrior within your soul.

I think you're prepared

to go to the next battle.

Charge!

What, are you afraid

to fight me with honor?

The arrow takes ten hit points.

How weak, I have over 30 hps.

Ok.

Ah, oh.

Get back, back to the abyss.

No, we are from Copenhagen.

What?

Yes, it was ranked the most

Livable city by

monocle magazine.

PATRICK:

Aah!

A critical hit.

The rogue has slain his foe.

- Ow.

- Sorry.

But I have much left to do.

Whoa.

JORGEN:
You fight not as men do,

more as women and Swedes.

Guys, I need some

help over here.

Can't Lloyd, we're larping.

Wait, did you say you

had a larping blog?

Yeah, we use it to record

our victories and our wounds,

And to show our

badges of honor.

Would you like the url?

Uh sure, do you have it on you?

On me, uh?

Arctic blast, arctic blast,

I arctic blasted you.

You do not care about my url.

So do you want to

do a counter spell?

Magic is for the weak,

I will fight with honor.

Jorgen thunder thighs,

You will remain frozen

for the next 15 seconds.

Dagmar, you should

document my beating.

Maybe it is you who

should record my defeat.

Sorry.

Victory.

We won, I think we won.

You can unfreeze now.

[GLASS SMASHING]

What do you mean that

they defeated the danes

And the white wizard

is training them?!

And don't forget the girl,

she looks really dangerous.

I'm not forgetting

the girl, Oliver.

They actually have

a chance at winning,

And foiling my

plans of breaking

The white wizard's

wonderful winning record.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to take

a play from your book,

And try to p*ssy my way out.

Ok.

And he was like, I'll sell your

soul to the twisting nether.

And I was like your

mom's a twisting nether.

Oops.

(LAUGHING)

OSWALD:

Im ok.

So you really kicked

ass out there today.

Yeah, well I'm glad you

invited me to join your army.

You guys are kind of fun.

They're ok,

but I think the enjoyment

You're feeling is

more Lloyd centered.

Maybe.

Alright, I'm taking off,

keep it clean gentlemen.

Maybe I should walk you home.

I can take care of myself.

- Yeah.

- See you later.

Ok. See ya.

[DOOR CLOSES]

You should have told

her to slob your knob.

OSWALD:

Why do you guys keep doing this to me?

PATRICK:

Shhh.

Well...

I kind of like it.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Oh, hello Lloyd, how are you?

I'm ok, just heading to class.

Great, great, listen, I've

been worried about you boys

Getting distracted

from your school work.

Uh, no, um, I think we're fine.

Yes, but I would hate for

any of this larping nonsense

To interfere with

your academics,

It is grades first, you know.

Nah, don't worry, it's actually

going better than expected.

Oh, fantastic.

How about this, you withdraw

From the demons

and dwarves league,

And I will give you

and your friends a 'c',

No questions asked.

We can't withdraw.

I'm offering to pass you.

Just say yes.

Well, see there's this girl,

And I think she might like me,

But I kind of think we

need more face time, so.

Just say yes, Lloyd.

I'm sorry I can't do that.

You think you're so big,

don't you Lloyd?

Just regular size.

With your perfect hair.

It's just hair.

Do you want me to fail you?

Wait a minute, we have

an infernal accord,

You have to give

us extra credit.

I would never consider

breaking the infernal accord,

But I can grade your

assignments extra critically,

Meaning you will

fail this class.

What's your problem, man?

You wanted us to sign up,

now you want us out, what?

My problem is that you broke

the spirit of the contract

By seeking help

from the white wizard.

Drop out now, or

suffer the consequences.

Screw you.

We're gonna win the

tournament, and get the 'a+'.

So be it.

You have fealed your own sate.

You mean, sealed your own fate?

F***!

Scratch your name from

the dead man's scroll,

Command to earth

your eternal soul.

Ok remember attackers,

you want to hurt this person.

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