Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Page #3

Not exactly thick, these walls.

DOG:

(off)

No you prat, that's for me.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Dog has a small pile of money and pills that he is distributing to his

lads.

DOG:

How many times do I have to explain this to you, Plank? You find a job

worth doing and you will find your share improving . . . Now do you

have a problem with that?

He obviously doesn't.

INT. ED AIVD BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Tom raises his eyebrows and frowns to Bacon.

EXT. BIG BOY'S GYM/SOLARiUM - NIGHT

Meet Big Chris and Little Chris (twelve years old).

BIG CHRIS:

How long has he been in there, son?

LITTLE CHRIS:

About twenty minutes.

BIG CHRIS:

Is he on his own?

LITTLE CHRIS:

Just carrying a bag.

BIG CHRIS:

Let's have a look, shall we?

INT. GYM/SOLARIUM - NIGHT

BIG CHRIS:

Son, have a look under that one.

Little Chris looks under one of the sunbeds.

LITTLE CHRIS:

It's not him, Dad.

BIG CHRIS:

Try that one.

Little Chris returns from a peek and nods in confirmation.

LITTLE CHRIS:

Sleeping like a baby.

Big Chris then approaches and raises the sunbed.

BIG CHRIS:

This is one of those high-powered numbers, isn't it?

John O'Driscoll's eyes widen; Chris slams down the sunbed on top of him

as hard as he can.

Got some bad news for you, John.

JOHN O'DRISCOLL

What the fu-!

Big Chris slams down the sunbed on top of John.

BIG CHRIS:

Mind your language in front of my boy.

JOHN O'DRISCOLL

Jesus Christ!

Big Chris repeats the earlier treatment twice more.

BIG CHRIS:

That includes blasphemy as well. Now tell me, John . . .

JOHN'O'DRISCOLL

Tell you what, Chris?

A man opens the sunbed mom door.

SUNBED MAN:

I say, hold on.

LITTLE CHRIS:

I say shut it!

SUNBED MAN:

You what?

BIG CHRIS:

He said shut it!

Chris pulls a mean face; the door is closed.]

Tell me John, how you can concentrate on improving a lovely tan, and it

is a lovely tan by the way, when you have more pressing priorities at

hand?

JOHN O'DRISCOLL

Tell Harry . . .

Bang as sunbed comes down again.

BIG CHRIS:

Did I say speak? And it's Mr Harry to you . . . Now don't disappoint me

and chose your words carefully. You may speak.

JOHN O'DRISCOLL

I'll have it for Mr Harry in a few days. I have been busy, and I am

nearly there.

BIG CHRIS:

Son, have a look in his locker.

JOHN O'DRISCOLL

No chance of you lifting this sunbed up is there?

* Cut from completed film.

30

BIG CHRIS:

Yeah, all right.

Big Chris lifts it, then smashes it down again. Now, you want me to

lift it up again?

Little Chris pipes up. Obviously familiar with counting money he has

flown through it.

LITTLE CHRIS:

He's not poor. Five hundred and sixty pounds and that's just in his

wallet . . . F***in' 'ell John, you always walk around with that in

your pocket?

The expression on Big Chris's face changes.

BIG CHRIS:

Oi! Next time you use language like that, boy, you'll wish you hadn't!

LITTLE CHRTS:

Sorry, Dad.

BIG CHRIS:

Right, well, put the rest of the stuff in that, son. You can go home in

a plastic bag tonight, John. You owe what you owe arid before this tan

has faded, you want to have paid.

Chris punches John unconscious and turns the time dial up.

INT. JD'S BAR - NIGHT

JD's bar is an impressive sort of uptown-downtown establishment with

pretty girls serving a laddish clientele. The boys are propped up at

the bar, looking straight ahead in silence. They look nervous. The

silence is broken by Ed.

32

EDDY:

I am going to the john.

He walks off.

TOM:

What you telling us for? The only thing I care about is whether you get

your rest in.

SOAP:

Tom, you're all heart.

TOM:

Listen cooky, you want to make sure that man rests before he plays;

it's in all our interests.

JD:

(the bar owner and Ed's father)

All right lads? How's things? How's it going, Soap? Cooking all right?

Where's that son of mine?

Each time a question is asked the lads try to answer but are just left

with their mouths open, which remain open as a gorgeous girl walks

through the bar (Daisy).

INT. SLOANES' HOUSE LABORATORY - NIGHT

We cut to a small, humid, artificially lit, illegal forest being

cultivated for profit. Someone is smoking a joint and raising his

eyebrows at his friend. These two characters are J and Charles; they

have got hair down to their shoulders, small try-hard goatees and

science-lab coats, with nothing much underneath.

J:

(coughing)

This gear is getting heavier you know, Charles. I got a suspicion we

should have been rocket scientists, or Noble Peace Prize winners or

something.

A horn blows (the door bell).

CHARLES:

Who the hell is that?

INT. SLOANES' HOUSE - NIGHT

The door opens to reveal Willy. Under each arm is a large bag of

fertilizer.

WILLY:

Give me a hand Charlie, I could break sweat at any second.

A voice comes from behind them. At the top of the stairs stands

Winston. He slowly starts to walk down.

WINSTON:

Charles, why have we got this cage?

Pause. Charlie shrugs.

CHARLIE:

Er, for security.

WINSTON:

That's right, for security. So tell me, Charles, what's the point in

having it if we don't f***ing use it?

CHARLIE:

Well, because it's Willy and Willy lives here.

WINSTON:

Yes Charlie, but you didn't know it was Willy, did you?

WILLY:

Chill, Winston, it's me and Charlie can see it's me, so what's the

problem?

WINSTON:

The problem is, Willy, that Charlie and yourself are not the quickest

of cats in the alley at the best of times, so just do as I say and keep

the f***ing cage locked.

Pause as the two in the door look slightly pissed off at being shouted

at. Winston sighs and looks at what Willy is carrying.

WINSTON:

What are you carrying, Willy?

WILLY:

Er, fertilizer.

WINSTON:

You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back

carrying two bags of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing, Willy.

WILLY:

We need fertilizer, Winston.

WINSTON:

We also need a f***ing money counter, William! We have to get the money

out by Thursday and I'll be buggered if I am counting it . . . and if

you have to get your sodding fertilizer, couldn't you be a little more

subtle?

WILLY:

What do you mean?

WINSTON:

I mean we grow copious amounts of ganja, and you don't look like your

average hort-er-f***ing-culturalist, that's what I mean, Willy.

Winston turns on his heels and walks off. 35

INT. JD'S BAR - NIGHT

Ed returns to the bar to find Tom, Soap and BACON

looking in disbelief.

TOM:

(pointing to watch)

What the hell are you doing here?

EDDY:

Why, what's up?

TOM:

Er, let me guess, my foot in your arse? A game of cards and Hatchet

Harry. You're supposed to be getting some rest, boy!

Ed grimaces as his father approaches. He has overheard this last

statement.

JD You playing cards tonight with Harry?

EDDY:

(pauses)

Don't be silly Dad, I wouldn't have anything to do with that.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

We calm down for a while. A cool track is playing. Ed is now smartly

dressed, sitting in an armchair. We have a close-up of his face. He is

motionless, eyes closed; he looks asleep. The camera slowly tracks down

his body We reach a single hand; he is cutting the pack skilfully and

faultlessly; he is very much awake. There is a knock on his door. His

eyes open.

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