Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Page #4

INT. SEEDY BAR - NIGHT

Near-naked girls are gyrating against blue poles, which keep

distracting these men's attention. Meet the two Scousers - Gary and

Dean. The Scousers are in their late twenties, one big, one small. Gary

(the smaller) sports a large demi-perm. They bear strong Liverpudlian

accents. They are meeting Barry (Hatchet's man).

GARY:

Shotguns? What, like guns that fire shot?

BARRY:

Oh, you must be the brains then. That's right, guns that fire shot . .

. Make sure you bring everything from inside the gun cabinet. There

will be a load of guns, that's all I want. I'll pay you when you

deliver. Everything outside the cabinet you can keep; it's yours.

GARY:

(sarcastically)

Oh, thanks very much. And there had better be something there for us.

BARRY:

It's a f***ing stately home, of course there'll be something there.

DEAN:

Like what?

BARRY:

Like antiques.

DEAN:

Antiques? What the f*** do we know about antiques? We rob post offices

and steal cars, what the f*** do we know about antiques?

BARRY:

If it looks old, it's worth money, simple. So stop f***ing moaning and

rob the place.

GARY:

So who's the Guv? Who we doing this for?

BARRY:

You're doing it for me is all you need to know. You only know that

because you need to know.

GARY:

I see, one of those `on a need to know' basis things, like a James Bond

film, is it?

BARRY:

Careful, remember who's giving you this job.

A bit of confused eye-rolling goes on. Barry eventually looks at his

watch.

I am off, it's all yours now. Call me when you're done.

As he leaves, the two Scousers eye him distastefully.

GARY:

(to Dean)

I hate these Southern shites.

BARRY:

(on his way out, whispering to himself)

F***ing Northern monkeys.

EXT. BOXING CLUB ENTRANCE - NIGHT

EDDY and the lads have all made an obvious effort with their

appearance. They are met by a doorman.

DOORMAN:

Invitations.

EDDY:

Invitations?

DOORMAN:

Yeah invitations, you know a pretty white piece of paper with your name

on it.

EDDY:

Well we have got about a hundred thousand pretty pieces of paper with

the Queen on it. Will that do?

DOORMAN:

All right, just you; the others can wait in Samoan Jo's next door.

EDDY:

Samoan Jo's? Yon mean the pub? Hold on . . .

DOORMAN:

Hold on bollocks, no one but card players in here tonight sonny, and I

do mean no one.

INT. BOXING GYM - NIGHT

EDDY enters the boxing gym on his own, and raises his eyebrows at the

thought of climbing into the ring. Everybody else is sitting down

counting their money and converting it to chips. Ed takes the only

empty chair and has a quick look around, particularly behind.

EDDY:

Evening Frazer, Phil, Don. This is a bit dramatic, isn't it? Is it

supposed to be symbolic?

40

PHIL/DON

All right Ed. Apparently it's for security.

EDDY:

I would have brought my gloves if I had known.

HATCHET:

You must be Eddy. JD's son.

EDDY:

Yup, you must be Harry? Sorry, I didn't know your father.

HATCHET:

Never mind son, you just might meet him if you carry on like that.

There is an attractive blonde croupier shuffling the cards. EDDY

Evening Tanya, it has been a while.

EXT. SAMOAN JO'S - NIGHT

As the boys walk in to Samoan Jo's, a man comes tearing out of the door

covered in flames followed by his friends trying to put the flames out.

The lads look on in mild shock.

TOM:

I heard this place was rough.

EXT. STATELY HOME - NIGHT

The Scousers make their way to the front door and unravel their lock-

picking kit. '

42

SAMOAN Jo's - NIGHT

SOAP:

What sort of a pub is this then?

SAMOAN JO:

A Samoan one. Anything else?

BACON:

(receiving a monstrous, leafy cocktail)

What's that?

SAMOAN JO:

A cocktail, you asked for a cocktail.

BACON:

No, I asked you to give me a refreshing drink. I wasn't expecting a

f***ing rainforest; you could fall in love with an orang-utan in that.

SAMOAN JO:

You want a pint, go to the pub.

BACON:

I thought this was a pub.

SAMOAN JO:

It's a Samoan pub.

BACON:

Well whatever it is, could you get your man to turn the TV down?

SAMOAN JO:

You ask him if you like, but I would leave him to it if I was you.

BACON looks at Rory Breaker, the man watching the TV.

BACON:

Excuse me, could you turn the TV down?

RORY BREAKER:

No.

He takes a swig of whatever he is drinking and frowns at Bacon. BACON

frowns back, then Soap interrupts.

SOAP:

This is the English-Brazil game, isn't it?

INT. BOXING GYM - NIGHT

CROUPIER:

This is three card brag, gentlemen. That means that three threes is the

highest, then three aces and then running down accordingly; then it's a

running flush, a run, a flush, then a pair: An open man can't see a

blind man, and it will cost you twice the anti to see your opponent.

Don't f*** around, fellas; you all know the rules and you know I won't

stand for it.

FRAZER:

What sort of shirt is that then, Ed? 'Three hundred open.

EDDY:

The type of shirt that has buttons on the front and collars at the top,

Frazer. One hundred and fifty blind.

DON:

Three hundred and fifty open.

PHIL:

Fold.

* Cut from completed film.

HATCHET:

Three hundred and fifty open.

FRAZER:

You're the only fella in London who wears shirts like that. Three

hundred and fifty open.

EDDY:

No Frazer, it's just I'm the only classy fella you have had the

pleasure of seeing in London. One hundred and seventy-five blind.

DON:

Four hundred open.

HATCHET:

Four hundred open.

FRAZER:

Eight hundred. Like that, do ya, son?

EDDY:

When my knees stop knocking I'll live with it. Four hundred blind.

INT. BOXING GYM CHANGING ROOM - NIGHT

Barry, who is sitting among sweaty towels, takes out a four-inch

monitor and switches it on, and hey presto we can see the card table.

The camera is placed behind Ed in one of the four posts. Barry zooms

in, pauses on the back of Ed's head, gets his focus and jibs down to

view his cards, pauses and re focuses, because Ed is playing blind. He

hasn't raised them: there is nothing Barry can do. We cut to Barry's

other hand. He is pressing a button on a remote control. We cut

straight to Harry's leg which is receiving the pulse.

46

BOXING GYM - NIGHT

HATCHET:

Listen ladies, this is cards. Men play cards, you want to talk soft you

should be at the f***ing hairdressers, so shut up and play.

(dramatic pause)

I fold.

FRAZER:

Two thousand open.

EDDY:

One thousand blind.

DON:

Two thousand open.

FRAZER:

Deep end, eh? Fold.

EDDY:

Two thousand blind.

DON:

You what?

There is a pause as Don examines Ed's brow looking for a trace of

nerves.

Two grand? You're still blind. You have been eating too much English

beef, mate; honkers, mad.

HATCHET:

Well, you going to play?

Cut from completed film.

DON:

F***ing right I am going to play. Three thousand, there.

CROUPIER:

Four thousand to an open man, you know that.

We can feel the confidence emanating from Eddy. Don continues to search

Ed's forehead waiting for a break of nervous moisture, but it's as dry

as a desert disco.

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