Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Page #5

EDDY:

Donald, do you know how to play this game? The reason I put in half the

anti is because I don't know what I have got. Now play, or fold.

Silence.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT.

Don is thrown out on to the street, screaming and cursing.

EXT. STATELY HOME - NIGHT

The Scousers, having now entered, make their way through the large

house.

DEAN:

OK Gary, we call each other Kenny, all right?

GARY:

All right, Kenny.

Dean looks at Gary's disguise with some distaste. He has a stocking

pulled over only half his face. A sexy thigh grip is replicating an

artificial, frilly moustache, not giving the desired menacing look. A

big bouffant head of hair is neatly being conntrolled up on top.

DEAN:

Can't you pull that stocking down further, Kenny?

GARY:

It just cost me fifty quid to have this done.

(Lovingly rearranging his hair)

If you think I am going to ruin it for a couple of old bastards you're

mistaken, Kenny.

INT. BOXING GYM - NIGHT

Music starts. We cut to a montage of Ed, Hatchet and Barry at work. Ed

must be about 250,000 up but the game is getting out hand and pieces of

paper are being signed; IOUs.

INT. STATELY HOME BEDROOM - NIGHT

Dean returns down a corridor carrying an armful of rifles and enters a

large bedroom. There are a couple of toffs (English aristocrats) tied

up in bed. The old man has bits of tissue between is toes which Gary

has seen fit to light, in order to extract information. Briefly meet

Lord and Lady Appleton Smythe Winston and Daisy's parents).

DEAN:

What are you doing, Kenny?

Gary is on the point of lighting another piece of tissue.

GARY:

Finding out where he keeps the money.

48 49

DEAN:

Kenny, you twat, does it look like these people have got any money?

They can't even afford new furniture. We've got the guns; now if you

don't mind . . .

At that moment they are interrupted by the sound of a shotgun

cartridge. The ancient butler has made an unexpected entrance. He is

holding an equally ancient pair of hammer-lock guns (the ones from the

catalogue) which he has obviously got little control of. The recoil

knocks the butler clear off his feet. The second shot hits the ceiling

covering the old boy in plaster.

We cut to a POV of the butler on his back. We see Dean looking down.

You want to be more careful, old fella. You very nearly took my man's

head clean off with that. You all right, Kenny?

We cut to a shaking shell-shocked Gary, mouth agape. The gun shot has

torn through the centre of Gary's bouffant hairdo leaving him with a

pair of smoking Mickey Mouse ears. Shock prevents him from answering.

Kenny?

INT. BOXING GYM - NIGHT

EDDY:

Ten grand blind.

We see Hatchet feeling his leg; he looks shifty

INT. BOXING GYM CHANGING ROOM - NIGHT

Barry zooms in again; he can see nothing.

HATCHET:

Twenty thousand open.

EDDY looks at his cards: he has a running flush.

EDDY:

Twenty thousand open.

INT. BOXING GYM CHANGING ROOM - NIGHT

Barrv sighs with relief and types in the relevant information.

INT. BOXING GYM - NIGHT

Having received this information Hatchet pauses, then . . .

HATCHET:

I'll fold.

We hear lots of oohs and aahs. EDDY frowns slightly This is odd play.

Rather than looking happy he has a discrete glance over his shoulder;

satisfied that nothing can be amiss, he collects his money.

Don't go spending, that all at once, boy.

INT. BOXING GYM CHANGING ROOM - NIGHT

Barry's phone rings. He jumps in shock and fishes around to find it.

BARRY:

What?

50 ~ 51

INT. RED PHONE BOX - NIGHT

The Scousers reply; Gary is still unable to speak due to his shotgun

experience.

DEAN:

I thought you said no staff, Bazza!

BARRY:

You get the guns?

DEAN:

You should see what they did to poor Gary.

Gary wanders past the phone box in a gormless state. He obviously

doesn't know what day of the week it is.

DEAN:

Gary, get back into the van!

Barry frowns down the telephone. Yeah, yeah, we got 'em.

BARRY:

Good. I'll speak to you later.

Barry clicks the phone off. Dean looks at Gary and raises his voice as

if speaking to a deaf person.

DEAN:

Gary, Gary, if you can hear me, I think we better get you back in the

van now, OK?

Dean takes his arm and guides him back into the van.

BOXING GYM - NIGHT

Stakes have increased dramatically. There is a pause as Frazer looks at

his cards.

EDDY:

Twenty thousand open.

PHIL:

OK. My Doctor would beat me to a heart attack if he knew what was going

on here. I fold.

HATCHET:

Got some cards there, boy? Thirty thousand. Back to you already Eddy?

Hatchet looks impatiently at the door.

EDDY:

Fifty grand.

Hatchet scours Ed's forehead. It is still dry.

HATCHET:

Eighty grand.

BOXING GYM CHANGING ROOM - NIGHT

Barry, who is trying as hard as he can to see Ed's cards, frustratedly

zooms in and out; eventually Ed raises them just

enough; Barry jibs, hey bingo he sees Ed's cards!

Ed's got nothing but a pair of sixes. Barry excitedly starts tapping

away.

53

INT. BOXING GYM - MGHT

EDDY:

One hundred grand.

FRAZER:

Hold on fellas, I know . . .

HATCHER (interrupts j

I know you're not in, which means nobody cares what you know. Two

hundred and fifty.

Hatchet and EDDY minutely study each other's hairlines, waiting for a

nervous droplet to appear. Sweat breaks; a drop on Ed's forehead, fills

frame. Slowly we follow a droplet's journey coursing down Eddy's brow

Eventually this is met by a large unblinking eye, at this point the

pause is broken.

EDDY:

That is quite a raise, one hundred and fifty on my hundred.

HATCHET:

Yes . . . and is there something else you want to say? EDDY

As you know, this puts us in an awkward position. I don't have enough

to continue.

Pause.

CROUPIER:

We will have to see both your cards if no one loans EDDY the money to

continue. It's a loan or we see both your cards.

Silence follows. A lot of nose scratching and examining of imaginary

dirty ftngernails spreads contagiously throughout the remaining

company.

It doesn't look . . .

HATCHET:

(interrupts)

I will.

EDDY:

You will what?

HATCHET:

I will loan you the money.

Silence. The sweat bead reaches the bottom of Ed's chin, trembles for a

second, then unattaches itself. Very slowly it falls. We follow its

long silent journey. Eventually it is greeted by the back of Ed's

cards. It explodes dramatically in sound and vision, symbolizing this

worrying news.

EDDY:

I think I would rather just turn them over.

HATCHET:

I am not interested in what you would rather; I want to keep going. I

am also offering you the money, so we don't have to turn them over

because you can borrow.

EDDY:

I need two hundred and fifty grand.

HATCHET:

No, you need five hundred grand to see me.

Ed's face is now awash, busily blistering with sweat.

EDDY:

That's if I want to see you.

HATCHET:

Well, you're going to have a problem carrying on, aintcha.

The pause is painful.

55

CRUOPIER:

You can still fold.

EDDY doesn't like the sound of this. There is sympathy in her voice.

Harry looks sharply through narrowed eyes at the croupier; the croupier

pleads with Eddy.

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes