Lolita Page #2

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(phone ringing)

Dolores:

It's for me!

Hello? No, I'm sorry, she's busy.

Charlotte:

I hope you'll forgive her bad manners.

(music playing)

Charlotte:

Now what?!

Dolores:

Look, it's my modern dance creation!

Charlotte:

Dolores Haze, turn that music down!

She's an absolute pest...

just slap her hard if she interferes with your meditations.

Psst...

Hum...

do you know that I have one most ambitious dream?

To get ahold of a real trained maid...

like that German girl that the Talbots spoke of?

And have her live in the house.

Humbert:

No room.

Charlotte:

Oh, cherie, cherie...

you underestimate the possibilities of our humble household.

We would put her in Lo's room.

I intended to turn that hole into a guest room anyway.

Humbert:

Where would Lo sleep?

Charlotte:

Little Lo, I'm afraid, does not enter the picture at all...

little Lo goes straight from camp to a good boarding school...

with strict discipline and some sound religious training.

Dolores:

I won't go!

Charlotte:

I want all of these name tags sewn on your clothes by tomorrow.

Dolores:

I don't want to go.

Charlotte:

I don't believe I asked your opinion, Dolores!

Dolores:

I don't wanna go, and you can't make me.

Charlotte:

Look, we all think it's a good idea...

Professor Humbert thinks it's a good idea...

I think it's a good idea, and you are going!!

Dolores:

Double-crosser!

Humbert:

Ow!

Charlotte:

I asked you to put that suitcase in the car an hour ago...

Louise, thank you so much for helping the poor child.

Goddamnit! Dolores, I told you to put this lunch basket in the back seat!

Didn't I?

Dolores:

Why do you tell me to do everything?

Charlotte:

Louise, Brussels sprouts and meat loaf for dinner.

Louise:

All right, drive careful.

Charlotte:

Thank you. Let's go.

Louise:

(To Dolores)Bye, my baby, you be good.

Dolores:

Bye, Louise.

I'll miss you...

Charlotte:

Ahhhgh!

Dolores, let's go!

Louise:

You be sweet, my baby.

Charlotte:

Speed it up.

Get in the car!

Now what?

(Dolores runs back into house and upstairs to Humbert, she embraces then kisses him and leaves)

Charlotte:

That child!

Louise, maybe tenderloin.

Louise:

That'd be good.

Charlotte:

I'm waiting!

If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times...

not to make me wait in the car.

If you weren't going to camp, I would ground you.

Louise:

Mr. Humble!

These damn stairs gonna be the death of me...

Mr. Humble!

Mr. Humble!

Mr. Humble?

I have something for you.

Humbert:

Oh, yes.

Louise:

I'm leaving, but... I'll be back later.

What the hell you doin' in there?

Charlotte:

"This is a confession. I love you.

I'm a passionate and lonely woman, and you are the love of my life.

Now you know, so please destroy this letter and go.

I shall return by dinner time and you must be gone by then."

"You see, cherie, if I found you at home...

the fact of your remaining would mean only one thing...

that you want me as much as I do you...

as a lifelong mate.

And that you are ready to link up your life with mine forever and ever...

and be a father to my little girl."

Humbert:

Two weeks later we were married in a simple ceremony.

Big Haze made sure Little Haze was not in attendance.

Charlotte:

Mmm, this is bliss. This is heaven on earth, isn't it, Hum?

Humbert:

Hmm.

Charlotte:

Are you working on your book?

Humbert:

Yes.

Charlotte:

Secret drawer... what's in there?

Humbert:

Locked-up love letters.

Charlotte:

Where's the key?

Humbert:

Hidden.

During the six weeks we'd been married...

I successfully avoided most of my husbandly duties.

Through July I'd been offering Charlotte sleeping tablets...

which she gobbled down happily; she was a great taker of pills.

Radio:

"I'm in the mood for love..."

Humbert:

The last dose I had tried had knocked her out for four hours.

But that is not enough to guarantee me an undisturbed night.

Doctor:

Hum...

Humbert:

At last.

I think I must be immune.

What would you give me if you wanted to...

to knock out... say... a cow?

Just, just for... seven or eight hours.

So that...

you know, "the cow"...

would stay asleep?

Even if you were tossing and turning next to it?

Doctor:

Well...

why don't you... try these?

They're new.

My wife takes them, and...

I don't hear a peep out of her all night long.

Humbert:

Sounds like just the thing.

I'm home.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Charlotte:

"The Haze woman."

"The fat cow"?

"The obnoxious Mama"?

Well, the "old, stupid Haze woman" is no longer your dupe.

Humbert:

Charlotte...

Charlotte:

You're a monster.

You're a despicable, criminal monster.

Humbert:

Now...

Charlotte:

If you come near me, I'll scream out the window.

Get away from me! I'm leaving tonight.

You can keep this house, I don't care...

but you will never see that miserable brat ever again.

Now, get out of my sight!

Humbert:

Charlotte, you mustn't... do that... you mustn't ruin our lives.

That's... just a...

just a fragment of a novel I'm writing.

I used your name in those just for convenience.

I'll get us a drink.

Nice stiff drink, clear both our heads.

(phone rings)

Humbert:

Charlotte, I've made us a nice stiff drink.

Yes?

That's ridiculous.

There's a man on the phone saying you've been killed, Charlotte.

Charlotte?

I'm sorry...

(Goes outside, Charlotte lying dead on road)

Police Man:

Stand back, please.

Humbert:

Where's my wife?

Police Man:

Are you Mr. Humbert?

Humbert:

I am.

Driver:

She ran right in front of me.

I didn't even see her.

Sir?

Coroner:

I'm sorry, sir. Is this Mrs. Humbert?

Sir... is this Mrs. Humbert?

Humbert:

Oh, God.

Oh, God... oh, God.

Young Girl:

She was walking to the mailbox.

She was going to mail these letters.

I'm sorry.

Humbert:

Thank you.

Coroner:

Going... to lie down, officer. Would that be all right?

Police Man:

You go right ahead.

Humbert:

I'll just be across in the house...

(dial tone)

Humbert:

Is that the Enchanted Hunters Hotel?

Yes, this is Mr. Humbert.

Tomorrow night. Just the one night, please.

Yes, a room with twin beds.

For two... well, one and a half people, really...

it's just for me and my...

my short... my small daughter.

Camp Mistress:

She should be here any minute.

I sent Charlie for her, over at the barn.

Humbert:

Who's Charlie?

Come on, come on...

Camp Mistress:

It's such a pleasure to watch our young people make friends.

Humbert:

So, who is this Charlie?

Camp Mistress:

Here she is.

Dolores:

Hi, Dad.

(sings)”Mum and Hum, Hum and Mum..."

"Hum and Mum"... How's Mum?

Humbert:

Well, the doctors aren't quite sure...

It's something abdominal.

Dolores:

Abominable?

Humbert:

Abdominal.

She's in a special hospital in Lepingville.

So, I thought... we’d...

go over to Briceland...

spend the night, and... visit the hospital tomorrow...

or the next day.

So, did you have a good time at camp?

Dolores:

Um-hmm.

Humbert:

You know, I missed you.

I missed you a lot.

Dolores:

Well, I didn't miss you.

In fact, I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you.

But so what, 'cause you don't care about me anymore anyway.

Humbert:

Why do you think I don't care about you?

Dolores:

Well, you haven't kissed me yet, have you?

Humbert:

I'm sorry, officer...

Officer:

See a blue sedan...

same make as yours, they might have passed you back at the turn?

Humbert:

Oof... blue sedan... no, I don't think we...

Dolores:

We didn't see a blue sedan.

No, I don't think we did.

Are you sure it was blue?

Might have seen one that was more purple.

Or maybe it was more red.

Officer:

All right, all right, okay. Thank you.

Humbert:

Thank you.

Dolores:

Don't shoot, don't shoot.

Officer:

Welcome, sir.

Humbert:

Thank you.

The bag's in the back.

Dolores:

Wow, looks swank.

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