London Page #5

Yeah. Yeah, l mean, l guess.

-What? Do you not believe me?|-No, of course l believe you, Syd.

That's why l asked. l was concerned.

Makes me so livid|that she's out there...

...telling people this warped version|of what happened.

You know what? Just please don't|go out there telling her l told you this.

That's the last thing you need.

The last thing l'm gonna do|is mention your name.

Well, honestly, if l were you, l wouldn't|even bring the sh*t up, okay?

lt's her last night here.|Focus on something positive.

She don't wanna hear that sh*t.

F***.

What? What's wrong?

l don't know, l don't know.

Because l start sweating|and my heart starts pounding...

...and l feel like my head's spinning|and the world's crashing.

And l get pulled down,|further into, like, the darkest...

...meanest places of my brain,|and l start suffocating.

And you feel like you're dying.

What? What? Say something.

-What would you like me to say?|-Anything. Something. l don't care.

l can't be your crutch, Syd.

Oh, you are such a miserable|f***ing human being.

Miserable in what way?

The way that you're sitting there,|taking my f***ing money...

...and l'm dying. Nothing you do|helps me. The Prozac doesn't help.

The lithium doesn't help. The Zoloft|doesn't help. Nothing you do helps.

You're kind of a f***ing a**hole.

l just wanna f***ing|turn the pain off, you know?

Just give me something that|the pain can go away with, you know?

Can you do that? Don?

l think you're doing great.

When that anxiety hits,|it's terrifying...

...because you're like,|''Maybe l'm really going crazy.

Maybe l've finally|f***ed with my head enough...

...that l just detached from reality.''

-You have these horrible revelations.|-Like what?

l started freaking out about death.|l became obsessed.

l couldn't conceptualize not|being here. Just not being here.

One day, Mallory, you and l|are gonna be dead. Buried. Gone.

You think about religion. People are|just swallowing these concepts.

Like God and heaven,|just to suppress our deepest fears...

...that we don't know why we're here.|lt makes no sense.

lt totally makes sense, okay?

At the same time it allows people|to go on living their everyday lives...

...without constantly obsessing over|these things. These realities.

Life, death, heaven, hell.|Existence, why we're here.

You know, who knows,|it's possible that a god does exist.

Energy, force, spirit, whatever|you wanna call it. l believe that.

Fair enough.|So, what happens when you die?

l don't know. You f***ing die. Why|does there have to be an answer?

Why can't there just be mysteries?|l don't know. Your body dies.

Your actual physical being dies,|but your spirit, l do believe, lives on.

lt lives on in the world. Man, it's this|continuing thing of existence.

lt doesn't have to have|a perfect answer why.

l buy that a little bit more|than an invisible guy...

...taking checks and balances|on 6 million people.

That sounds like Santa Claus to me.

lt's like a fairy tale for adults|who can't handle death.

Yeah, because if you think about it...

...there was a time that we didn't know|that the world was round...

...or that the atom existed|or whatever, right...

...because we didn't have|the technology to observe it.

And then...one day we do, right?

So, l mean, it's totally|conceivably possible...

...that in our lifetime, we will have|the technology to observe God...

...or whatever it is that created us|and the planets...

...and the universe|and everything else. Right?

lt's important to at least have faith|in the possibility...

...of a higher being|or something, or whatever...

...because otherwise, you're just--

You're gonna drive yourself|completely f***ing insane.

Right, but that really is|the operative word isn't it?

What do you mean? What word?

''Faith.'' Because without faith,|what do you have? You have nothing.

You got a few stories written 1 00|years ago, thousands of years ago...

...by people who are more|clueless than we are.

The same people who were crucifying|people who said the world was round.

So, you know. l just need more proof.|l need logic to support this religion.

Okay, if you want proof,|l will give you proof.

There was a study that was done|in Japan with physicists, okay?

They took two vats of rice...

...they put one in one room,|and one in another room.

They put a time-lapse camera on it|so they could observe it for a month.

They let all these people|come into one room...

...and they would say, ''I love you,|rice. You are the best rice.

You are the most beautiful,|most gorgeous, sexy rice there is.''

And in the other room,|they say, ''l f***ing hate you, rice.

I hate you. You're the worst rice.|F*** you, rice, you're the worst rice. ''

After a month, the rice that they|said ''l love you'' to? Still edible.

The other rice looks like|f***ing black sludge.

l saw the pictures. l saw, you know,|the time-lapse video.

lt's a study. lt's real.|l saw it with my own eyes.

That's your proof right there. l mean,|it's energy. We're affecting something.

-God is energy.|-London, you're talking about rice.

Rice. lt has nothing to do with religion.|Nothing to do with God.

-l gave you proof.|-l'm sorry, l don't find proof in that.

You know what your problem is?|You're so undyingly convinced...

...that everything your parents|and teachers taught you...

...you hold it as|this indisputable, almighty truth.

Syd, can we please just drop it?|Can we just f***ing drop it?

You wanna drop it because|you know l'm right. Admit that...

-...we'll talk about whatever you want.|-Shut up.

-Shut the f*** up.|-Just admit it.

You're scared to question authority|because what if they're wrong?

What if all your parents|and all your elders...

...were as scared of death as you,|and brainwashed just like you?

You're just blind to see it.

Okay, so l'm brainwashed...

...because l happen to think|that believing in something...

...other than meaninglessness|and nonexistence is a positive thing?

-Okay. That's really smart, Syd.|-l'm glad you agree with me.

l was being facetious, you dipshit.

Why are you calling me a dipshit?

Why are you calling me a dipshit?

Because...

...you always have to be right.|Why do you always have to be right?

And your ego.|Your ego, it's just huge.

-lt's just out of f***ing control.|-There's no need to freak out.

Syd, because you don't know|when to stop.

You keep going|and going and going...

...until people just wanna|smash your face in.

Okay, okay.|Maybe God doesn't exist.

l guess me and the billions upon|billions and billions of other people...

...who actually pray to something|are completely deluded...

...and you are right.|You are all-knowing.

You're God, Syd. lsn't that what|you wanna f***ing hear anyway?

-That everyone else is wrong and--?|-Doesn't everybody?

And l'm deluded?|And l am f***ing deluded?

You are-- You're sick.|You're sick, Syd.

You need f***ing mental help.

God, you make everybody crazy.|You're making me f***ing crazy.

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