Looking for Eric Page #6

jump the gun here, what...

Hey, get in there, mate.

Eric's meeting Lily

Shut it! Shut up.

Eric's meeting Lily

Shut it. Shut up.

Take no notice of him.

- Eric Bishop's meeting Lily

- Go on, get on your bus.

- See ya, Dolly.

- Daisy.

Eric's meeting Lily

Here, listen have a good match.

Shut it, shut it.

You know what, Lily?

I'll always be grateful that you never

turned her against me, you know.

To be honest, it hurt that she

had so much fun with you.

Just didn't seem fair somehow.

Well, you got all the crap, didn't you?

Homework. Complaints.

I just took her to see Cantona.

Yes and no.

You know something,

I was so furious with you at first.

And then I got to thinking,

"My God, what that man is missing. "

Jesus, is there something

wrong with Daisy?

No.

No, nothing. She's

sleeping like an angel. Why?

Why? Well, look at you

together, you two.

This never happens.

Have you been talking?

No, we've been sat

here in silence, Sam.

I mean, God, what would me

and your dad have to talk about?

- She ain't gonna bite you, Dad.

- I know, I know.

- I'm just shocked, that's all.

- Yeah.

I was sat about six inches

away from her.

I just wanted to put me arms

round her and I couldn't.

When you have learned

how to ride a bike,

how to kick a ball,

it's for all your life.

Not for me, mate. I've lost it.

It's all gone.

Nobody forgets rock 'n' roll.

I haven't, you know,

haven't touched anyone in years.

I mean, I just can't.

She touched me on the arm.

F*** me, I just froze.

Anyway, enough of that bollocks.

Let's talk about football.

Tell us about Fergie at Old Trafford.

Is he...

There is no such word as can't.

- Let's dance.

- Let's dance?

- I'm the girl. Come on.

- You're the girl?

Whoa, f***ing hang

on a minute now, mate.

I think you've got

the wrong end of the stick here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

that's just a step too far now.

Right, that's it. What the f***?

You know what?

We're smoking too much of this sh*t,

you know.

It's gonna have to stop.

Women.

She works part time

so she can help her mum.

Help Sam. She does baby massage.

Same at the old folks' home.

She just nourishes

everything she touches.

Know what she told me?

"You caused me to change, Eric.

"Everything I imagined crumbled.

"I never expected to be on me own. "

- Do you know what I do?

- What?

No, I shouldn't be telling you this.

Well, you gotta tell me now, Lily.

Come on.

About once every three months,

I go on the net and I'll pick out

a little bed and breakfast.

You know,

by a river or maybe a nice walk.

Even by the sea sometimes

or a little church.

And then I just up and I go.

Never the same place,

so it's always a little adventure.

- It sounds great.

- Yeah.

Do you not get a bit lonely

when you go to these places though?

No. Sometimes I take a lover.

Shocked?

Well, I suppose

it's inevitable really, innit?

Probablement, some lean, shy,

athletic foreign student

fascinated by a mature woman

with gentle hands.

F***ing hell, mate, I was hoping

it was some bald bastard from Bolton.

F***ing hell.

- No way.

- These are yours.

Jesus Christ, I don't believe it.

Me blue suede shoes.

I had a bonfire in

the back garden one night.

Went round the house and I gathered

absolutely everything

that belonged to you.

Come to throwing them on and,

well, I just couldn't do it.

Thank God for that.

That was a good night.

You know what? It was the best night.

I like this woman.

I like this woman a lot.

She has big balls.

Big balls, Eric, you know?

Yeah, well, one day she's gonna

look me straight in the eye

and not feel sorry for me.

That's all I want.

Personal trainer. New regime. Day one.

- What?

- Come on.

I'll show you.

Front and side. Yeah. Front and side.

Open it. Open yourself to the right.

And with a jump. Okay?

Jump, open.

Jog.

Right, jump and open.

Left, jump, open.

Good. And again.

And again.

Good.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

What's it look like I'm doing?

I'm keeping fit, mate.

- What?

- Youse two wanna try it sometime.

Are you all right?

Part of me new regime.

I'm a changed man.

You're something.

You two, come over to my gaff tonight.

About seven o'clock.

And bring Meatballs with ya.

Still jogging?

- What's happening?

- All right, lad?

- Right, lads. Come in.

- What's the big news?

- What's the Bobby Moore?

- Right, I'm having a clear-out, right?

There's far too much sh*t

in this house for a start.

- Not kidding, are you.

- Too many TVs.

So we're having a clear-out of tellies.

Telly number one. In here, lads.

Right, here we go.

- Hello, ladies.

- Whoa.

Aye aye, what's going on here?

- F***ing hell.

- What you doing?

Is that Maureen

from the mini mart?

Eric, get out.

Come on, what you doing?

No, I've seen this. It's called,

Shaving Ryan's Privates.

Eh, Ryan?

Eric, can you f*** off, please?

We're just chillin'.

You can't tell

your dad to f*** off.

You're smoking a spliff,

you got beer on the go,

you're watching a porn film.

Show him some respect.

Yeah, well what's

it got to do with you?

Get the telly out, lads.

That's enough. Come on.

Right, come on, let's be having it.

You're not taking my telly.

That's my telly.

There's another one in the kitchen.

That's my telly. I got that for you.

One in Jess's room.

Leave the one in mine, Spleen.

Don't even think

about going in my room, Spleen.

- Cheers, lads.

- What you doing? Put that back!

That's my telly! That's my telly.

You're not taking...

I brought that for you.

- Cheers, lads.

- What you taking it for?

Spleen's gonna get

the one in the kitchen.

And there's one in Ryan's

room and one in Jess's room.

Don't even think about going in my room.

Leave the one

in my room, eh, lads.

- Don't...

- Thanks a lot.

Leave the one in your room?

What, what are you doing?

Why are you taking my telly?

That smells good, Dad.

- Oh, it is. Lovely.

- What is it?

Steak, chips,

peas, carrots and gravy.

- About time, Eric. I'm starving.

- Yes.

Dearie me.

Where's our plates?

Didn't I tell you, lads?

Oh, sorry, I forgot.

New rules. No work, no food.

What?

I've been waiting for this.

I ain't eaten all day.

So?

Oh, yeah.

Play your games, Eric. Not arsed.

Good. 'Cause it makes me feel great.

Yeah, I hope it does.

'Cause you don't have a clue.

F***ing mangey twat.

I hope you choke on it, you c*nt.

Hello?

Eric, did you just phone me?

Yeah, that was me, Lily.

And what did you want?

Christ, I've forgotten what

I was gonna ask ya.

So you thought you'd

put the phone down on me?

Oh, no. I was just wondering if

you'd like to come round

at the weekend, you know,

for a bite to eat?

Sam can come as well, you know,

when she's finished.

Only if you want to, like,

and you've got nowt on.

You know, if you're not in

the Lake District at a B and B

with your young athletic lover

having a shag.

Very funny, Eric.

I didn't mean it like that, Lily.

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