Loose Cannons Page #2

Counting four from the

other night, that makes seven.

Wow. What's with this guy? Who is he?

That man possesses the keenest

analytical mind I've ever seen, bar none.

Hey, Ellis, how you feeling? Come on,

pal. I want you to meet somebody.

I want you to meet your new partner.

Ellis Fielding, Mac Stern.

People just don't like you, Stern.

Let's get out of here. We're going to

the boatyard. Wrap it up here, Weskit.

- Yeah, you love me, don't you baby?

- Okay, okay, let's go. Get him in a bag.

It's inspiring to see a great

analytical mind at work.

Just wait. Just wait.

Tell him to slow down, will you?

I want to take some notes.

Go on, make cracks.

What's he doing now?

Hey, hey, somebody call a cop.

What?

Jesus Christ, another one.

A gorilla was murdered?

A guy in a gorilla suit was murdered at

the Hookers' Ball about a mile downriver.

- That explains the costumes.

- Okay, captain.

- You find something?

- It's pretty clear, sir.

Let's hear it.

Well, okay. It happened

approximately like this.

That launch there was being pursued

by another, probably larger, powerboat.

The launch came up out of

the water at high speed...

...sailed through all this debris here...

...and then, before final impact,

two victims were thrown clear.

Then when the launch finally

came to rest, two other gentlemen...

...one dressed as the Queen of Hearts

from Alice in Wonderland...

...and the other, probably dressed

as the Mad Hatter...

...jumped out of the boat and ran.

Then someone in the powerboat

on the water opened fire.

And over the fence went

the Queen of Hearts.

Oh, boy, the Queen of Hearts. Good.

Now we'll finally find out who

painted the roses red, won't we?

Now, at this point, all the men

in the powerboat came ashore.

Someone killed the rabbit right here,

where the body was found.

Then two men chased the fat man

dressed as the Queen of Hearts...

...but he got away.

Someone tormented the German

gentleman dressed as the Cheshire Cat.

He taunted him from here all the way

over to here, then shot him.

Here, where the body was found.

That's as detailed as I can be

with cursory examination.

It's reasonably accurate. I could

answer questions now if you want.

Do you want them

one at a time or all together?

- Oh, give them to me all at once.

- Okay. How do you know the gunfire...

...came from this alleged powerboat?

How do you know anybody escaped,

let alone two people?

How do you know one guy

was dressed as the Queen of Hearts?

How do you know he was overweight?

How do you know this guy was German?

How do you know

that he was tormented?

Finally, how do you know

any of this sh*t?

Physical evidence.

Look at all these hits around here

I've marked with the yellow pegs...

...and up on the doors.

- That could have come from the shore.

- No.

Why?

I pulled all kinds of.30 caliber

slugs and shells out of here.

You've gotta admit that's

weird ordnance for an amateur.

I figure the guy must have been a pro.

Look at the door.

Looks like the Dow Jones

Industrial Average.

No professional marksman is that

inaccurate, indicating the firing began...

...when the boat was bobbing in the

water, hence the erratic pattern of fire.

How do you know the guy

dressed as the Queen of Hearts was fat?

I found this scrap of costume

here on the fence...

...indicating whoever wore it got over

the fence. Look, you see this flower?

See? This flower. See?

It's a rose. See the rose?

It's a rose worn by the Queen of Hearts.

See? Everybody knows her eye.

See, there's her eye.

So if we project just how large this card

might have been on a costume...

...we can conclude that the man

who wore it was of great bulk.

That's why I figure there were two men.

The guy who wore this...

...was probably too huge

to get over the fence without help.

Pray continue.

I know this man was tormented because

he's got a broken leg with the tibia...

...protruding through. It would have been

agonizing for him to move at all...

...much less crawl the 30 feet

he was forced to.

- How do you know he's German?

- That's the neatest of all.

The killers were very meticulous in

removing all identifying objects. Details.

They overlooked one thing. Look closely.

You see, he's had his leg broken before.

Probably snapped it skiing.

At least that's what it looks like.

Joe, give me what we extracted.

We pulled out this surgical repair pin.

You can read:

A West German domestic

medical supply company.

- They were clumsy in overlooking this.

- Those morons.

He might have been

another nationality and...

...just had his leg broken and set in

Germany, but there is corroboration.

- What do you see?

- A crotch. I don't much like it.

- The shorts, though.

- Yeah?

There's no fly. No pee-pee hole.

No opening, you know, European-style.

That's it in a nutshell.

Detective Stern, I was most impressed

by your recall of detail...

...in your querying of my account.

You've a very adequate mind.

Well, thank you very much.

I'll go see how they're doing on the other

bodies, especially the headless one.

Oh, right, Ellis, right.

Hey, great work, great work.

- How you doing?

- I'm fine.

- Thanks for the chance, Uncle Del.

- Well, that's great, that's great.

- I gotta talk to Mac for a minute.

- Okay.

- Check the registration on that launch.

- Hey, this guy is sharp.

Oh, yeah?

There's something wrong with that dude.

You know your problem, Mac?

You have no charity.

Hey, what is this,

"Doo-doo on Mac" week?

My training's in forensics,

ballistics, police science.

John Jay College, '74-'79.

Would you mind turning that off, please?

It disrupts my energy patterns.

Well, we can't have that, can we?

Forensics? I guess that's where you

developed your observational powers.

- Hold the wheel for a second, will you?

- What?

Hold this for a second.

I gotta do this.

Mr. Stern.

What are you going to do with that?

What do you think I'm going to do with it,

kid? I'm gonna roll a cigarette...

...then I'm gonna smoke it.

I bet you don't like cigarettes, do you?

- Give off bad vibes?

- No, they make my eyes burn...

...and my lungs hurt.

- I see.

So do you mind?

It's a nasty habit anyway.

So you've been in Narcotics

all this time?

No, actually I've been on sick leave

for much of the last two years.

What's wrong?

Is this a cat?

No, that's a giraffe.

Of course it's a cat. Why?

Will your cat always be coming

on assignments with us?

No, my cat almost never will be

with us on assignments.

Just very special ones.

Actually, I had to leave my apartment

this morning on short notice.

I'm allergic to cats.

Would you mind if I cover him up?

No, Ellis, go ahead. Cover up my cat.

I'll bet you're allergic to

a lot of things, aren't you?

- I'm annoying you, aren't I?

- Just a teensy little bit, really...

Anything else about me

that annoys you? Anything at all?

- No.

- No?

- Come on, there must be one little thing.

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