Loose Cannons Page #3

- No, no, nothing.

Really? Let's be frank now.

My driving. What about my driving?

Since you mentioned it,

could you possibly drive a bit slower?

I always annoy people. I don't mean to.

Is there anything else about me

that I need to improve?

- Anything at all?

- No, sir.

Absolutely nothing.

I'm gonna drive now. Real slow.

- Okay.

- Okay?

Hi, Rachel. Hey, come here,

you little son of a b*tch! Goddamn it!

Hi, Rachel. Hey, come here,

you little son of a b*tch! Goddamn it!

- I'll meet you in the morgue.

- All right.

Get him out of here.

He's slobbering all over my desk.

- Rachel.

- Mac.

Like your slacks. Are they tailored?

First day back, starting with that

sexist stuff again?

Hey, let's put it this way,

I'd rather be sexist than racist.

You're not sexist, you're just crude.

Oh, poor baby. Having a bad day?

Having a terrible day.

Say something nice to me, will you?

You have very strong-looking thighs

for a white man.

I like that, yeah.

Hey, would you be honest with me?

Am I selfish and self-centered?

No, but I have figured out

what's wrong with you.

Wait a minute.

Was there a recent symposium?

Everybody on the planet

get together...

...and discuss what's wrong

with Mac Stern?

I was just gonna say

you need a good woman.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.

- You want to live with me?

- I hear you don't live anywhere.

Well, that's true.

Well, what about my cat living

with you? Just till I find a place.

- Okay, Mac. What's his name?

- Camus.

- Camus? He's not suicidal, is he?

- That's good.

Oh, wait a minute.

Captain said to tell you they've

identified the owner of the boat...

...those guys were killed in.

Harry Gutterman. Harry "The Hippo."

Porno dealer.

Gutterman?

What is that, his stage name?

He owns a little S & M club

down in the industrial district.

Captain said to be sure you take note,

the guy weighs 350 pounds.

What's that mean?

Queen of Hearts.

- Son of a gun. Queen of Hearts.

- Queen of Hearts.

S & M club?

Like sadism and masochism?

Yeah, you know, you scratch my back,

I'll scratch yours. Only real hard.

I can't go into a club like that.

We're not gonna join,

we're just gonna question a witness.

Well, I know, but... You know, it's not

that I'm a Trudy Prudy or anything.

- What? What is it?

- It's that whole concept of pain and...

Look, it's part of the job, kid.

I know. I know.

Don't get me wrong, okay?

But did you ever stop to think that maybe

you're not ideally suited for police work?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

- Lots of times.

- Look. If anybody is rude to you...

...you just tell your old Uncle Mac, and

I'm gonna give them such a smack.

- Okay, thanks.

- Okay.

Look at this. A subculture based on

pain and degradation.

I'm not a prude. I don't think it's

disgusting. I think it's stupid.

Can I help you?

Yeah, you can. Get us a couple of

Shirley Temples, would you?

- Shirley Temples?

- Yeah.

You know, it's that red fizzy sh*t

in a tall glass...

...got a cherry and a couple straws in it.

- On your way. This is a private club.

- He's right. Come on.

- No, wait a minute.

That's unconstitutional,

not to mention impolite.

I came here to see Mr. Gutterman.

You fix that drink for me or I'll...

- No drinks without a membership card.

- What is this?

Here's my membership card.

Lets me go anyplace I want to go.

Right now, I want to go through that

green door to see the place...

...where you guys take those cigarette

butts and put them out in your navels.

Fake badges are cheap.

Show it again.

Hey, you! Hold it! Hold it!

Hold it! Get out...

Hey!

Ellis!

What are you doing? Give me a hand

here, would you? Come on, Ellis!

- Ellis!

- I just can't deal with the violence.

Now you tell me!

Excuse me for a minute.

Please, everyone!

Please, quiet, please!

Would you, please?

Hello, how are you? Albert Glendenning.

How are you? Albert...

Please! Please! Thank you very much.

I'm Albert Glendenning. I'm your

director of sports and recreation today.

And we're going to learn how

to box the correct way. Now...

Put them up! Put them up! Come on.

I'll fight you with one hand

tied behind my back. Come on.

Who's next? Who's next?

Come on, come on, come on.

I'll fight you with my eyes closed.

- I don't really know this guy.

- You nervous?

- Come on...

- Look what we have here, boys.

A really big p*ssy.

You gotta ask yourself one question:

Do you feel lucky, punk? Do you?

Do you?

Out of the West, through a cloud of dust,

with a hearty "Hi-yo, Silver!"...

...rides the Lone Ranger with his

faithful Indian companion, Tonto.

Hi-yo, Silver!

Hold it! Hold it. Get up there. Come on.

Spread them, come on.

Spread them. Get up.

Come on, get up. Spread them.

Hold it right there, butterball.

Come on, get over there.

Hey! Nothing doing. Get back in line.

Come on. Everybody get back.

Party's over. Come on.

Jesus, Joseph, Mary and all the saints.

Ellis, are you all right?

Was l...? Did l...? Oh, no.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine, Mac.

- Yeah.

- What the hell were you doing out there?

A diversionary tactic. You know,

the old Iroquois shaman trick...

...where you make them think

you're crazy, throw them off guard.

Worked like a charm. Didn't it?

Where'd you learn that,

John Jay College?

Well, graduate studies. After.

Call the precinct, get some help.

Sure, Mac. All right,

Metropolitan Police. Clear the way here.

Don't move or I'll shoot. You move,

I swear to God, I'll blow your brains out.

You moved! Didn't you hear what I said?

What are you, deaf, or what?

Don't you see this? You wanna get hurt?

- Are you guys really cops?

- I am. I don't know what the hell he is.

Sh*t, I can't tell the good guys

from the bad guys.

The only time I'm gonna feel safe

is if I shoot everybody.

I'm a nervous wreck. I'm so sorry

I looked at it. Why did I look at it?

Because I'm a schmuck, that's why.

If you're a cop, I demand protection.

You hear? I want protection.

Don't you understand they're crazy?

They're killing everybody who saw it.

Everybody!

You testify, we'll put you in

a witness protection program.

- Oh, really?

- Will you calm down?

What'd you see?

- A movie.

- A movie?!

Yes, a movie. A porno movie, that's all.

Triple-X stuff.

Only this one starred guess who?

Hitler and a couple Nazi guys.

You're kidding.

You saw this with your own eyes?

We all saw it. Except this movie

has no repeat business.

- What are you talking about?

- Everybody who saw the movie is dead...

...except for me and Steckler.

- Steckler? Who's Steckler?

Steckler is the Kraut who stole

the film and was trying to hawk it.

The other German guy,

the Cheshire Cat?

Muller. He's a porno dealer

from Stuttgart.

He's the guy who brought

Steckler over to meet us.

- Hey, Mac...

- Ellis, shush, will you?

I'm trying to get information.

What's a film like this worth?

Major bucks. A collector would pay

almost anything for a copy of it.

Yeah, a bunch of dead Nazis screwing.

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