Loose Cannons Page #4

Yeah, I'd pay...

No, it's not just a skin flick.

There's historical stuff in it too.

Could we get out of here?

They may be following us.

- Mac, excuse me...

- Please, I'm trying to get information...

- Yeah, do you mind?

- This guy Steckler, he barely knew you.

- Why'd he want to save you?

- You've gotta look!

Jesus.

- I'm glad you put on the brakes, Mac.

- Let me out.

So am I.

Somebody want...

Must want Gutterman pretty bad.

- We got trouble. We got trouble.

- Who are these guys?

What's that?

I brought this from a guy at an antique

store. He swore to me it would work.

Come on, Toto.

If I get killed, I'm gonna go back

and kick his butt.

Get out of the way!

I'll get you, my little pretty. And your little

dog too. I want those ruby slippers.

What are you doing,

playing leapfrog?

- Come on, put them up. Put them up.

- Get out of there, Hondo!

Oh, my God.

What?! You call this protection?!

- Oh, God.

- Give me some fire! Come on!

- Do I have to?

- Yeah!

- What were you doing in the street?

- Another diversionary tactic.

- Can you drive?

- Yeah.

Drive? You're gonna follow them?

Are you guys crazy? Oh, sh*t.

- Come on, Ellis.

- Your turn signal doesn't work.

Are you bullshitting me? Come on!

Don't curse when I'm driving.

It's very distracting.

Ellis, this is not driver's ed.

Step on the gas!

A courteous driver is a safe driver, Mac.

This is an authorized police pursuit,

you understand me?

This is cops-and-robbers time. Cops

and robbers! Cops and robbers, Ellis.

Cops and robbers!

- Oh, sh*t!

- Slow down!

- What's he doing?

- I don't know.

Mr. Sulu, set a course

for the Klingon battle fleet.

Prepare photon torpedoes and

phasers for full engagement.

- Mr. Scott, damage report.

- No, no, no damage report.

- You're not Capt. Kirk.

- You're right. I'm not Kirk.

- Slow down. You're gonna kill us!

- I'm Scott in engineering.

We'll never get those reactors back to

full power before we engage the enemy.

- Oh, jeez.

- You're not Mr. Scott.

I'm Bones. Bones! The ship's medic.

- Do something!

- What do you want me to do?

I'm Mr. Spock. Capt. Kirk,

I relieve you of your command.

That's what you call doing something?

Playing Mr. Spock?!

Hey! All my stuff went... Oh, Jesus!

Hey, bad guys!

Wait a minute. Oh, not my car!

Look what you're doing to my car!

Welcome to the NASCAR

driving school.

Anybody can learn to drive a stock car

with our patented technique of teaching.

The wall! Look out!

Yellow flag on the track. Yellow flag.

No, no! Not the other side of my car!

Starting time:
271.

We're traveling at hyperphase velocity

to planet Kirilon.

- Mr. Sulu, warp speed.

- Warp...

No! No! No! Not warp speed!

Mr. Scott, damage report.

What's going on, captain?

I can't get any power to this reactor.

What in blue blazes happened?

The Enterprise is sagging

like a limp pud.

- Put your hands on that wheel, clown!

- Hi, boys. I'm Ricky Rudd.

Totalled! Ruined! The engine,

the body, even the damn ashtray!

I put hundreds of man-hours and

thousands of dollars into that machine.

And that's a dream that died! It just died!

- Take it easy, will you?

- Take it easy?

I just did the Firecracker 400 with

Ricky Rudd, Rusty Wallace...

...Capt. Kirk and Cmdr. Spock!

I'm sorry, Mac. I thought he was ready.

Yeah, he's ready all right.

For a nut house someplace.

Hey, Del, the good news is that

he qualified for a group rate.

Goddamn it, will you shut up?! Now sit

down and listen to me, will you, please?

You owe me that, at least.

All right. I owe you that.

This is not going to be easy.

Oh, Jesus.

All right. All right, here it is, straight out.

- Ellis is my nephew.

- Oh, God.

- Yeah, I thought you'd like that one.

- Del.

That's a good one.

He always wanted to be a cop,

but he simply wasn't cut out for it.

But he wouldn't let go of it.

All the time:

"I wanna be a cop, Del. Everybody in the

family is a cop, Del. I wanna be a cop."

So I felt sorry for him

and gave him a break.

So I put him in Narcotics.

Hey, he was mind-blowing, Mac.

Kid was a natural, a goddamned genius.

He went undercover.

Got picked up by a couple of

Colombians. You know those bastards.

Before they're through with you,

killing you is a favor.

They tortured that kid, Mac,

for two days solid and left him for dead.

You should see the scars.

And that's when this personality-disorder

business started.

It was wild.

I mean, it scared the sh*t out of me.

He started imitating people.

Armando. Armando was the man

who tortured him.

He acted out the whole thing.

Then he came up with this

crazy English guy.

Then more came out.

A cast of thousands.

- It was unbelievable.

- I've seen it. I've seen it.

So he was institutionalized for a year

with the brothers.

- The brothers?

- Benedictine monks.

They looked after him.

They think now he's ready.

Well, obviously he's not.

Come on, Mac.

Give the kid a break, will you?

He can't get it together all at once.

He's gonna have a few draw...

Don't f*** with me, Mac.

I owe that kid, and you owe me.

If it wasn't for me, it might very well

be you up there with those brothers.

Well, that's true.

So if I don't take the kid,

you're gonna give me Weskit, huh?

Have to, pal. He's the senior man.

Your nephew?

This guy we found in the marsh was

a agent of the German government?

Not only that. Steckler, the guy with

the film? Guess who pays his salary?

- Who?

- Kurt Von Metz.

The one running for chancellor

of Germany?

- Same guy.

- You're kidding.

Steckler was his personal secretary.

Interesting, all the German connections,

huh? Fielding.

So we got a German agent,

a porno king. Now Von Metz.

That's a load of sauerkraut.

How about me running over to the

German Embassy to look around?

Why don't you?

Mac. I know you don't want me

for your partner anymore.

I don't blame you.

By now you know I've got

this little condition...

...and one of the things that triggers it

is driving.

Condition, huh?

Well, I'll tell you, we're gonna have

a kind of a limited partnership.

Your Uncle Del will tell you about it.

I'm going home.

- You told him I was your nephew?

- He guessed.

I don't have a home.

You do now.

Forgive me, sir,

but I only want a simple yes or no.

Were you associated

with Adolf Hitler?

I shall answer you as I did...

... when I was nominated commander

of NA TO, Mr. Waslinski.

I never had the displeasure

of even meeting Adolf Hitler.

Any guess, Mr. Von Metz,

where these rumors have come from?

Sensation mongers.

The supermarket journalists.

Next, they will have me in a bungalow

with Marilyn Monroe.

Or maybe I am in daily communication

with your Elvis Presley.

- Let me now go on to ask...

- Just a moment, Mr. Waslinski.

Are your viewers aware

that I was in prison?

Would you care to enlighten them

as to why I was there?

Sir, you were sentenced

for participating in the September plot.

- Which was?

- A plot to assassinate Hitler.

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