Louie Anderson: Big Baby Boomer

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1

[upbeat music]

[cheers and applause]

- Ladies and gentlemen,Louie Anderson.

[cheers and applause]

- Hi, everybody.

Thank you so much.

What a beautiful day,wasn't it?

Wow.

I almost went for a walk.

I just got backfrom Canada,

you know?

First of all, I had to flyin the tiniest plane,

so tiny they hadto weigh us.

Yeah, funny for you.

The guy says, "We're goingto have to weigh you."

"Well, could I takemy shoes off first?"

I had to lay in the aisle,so we could land.

Canada is something,isn't it?

You know it's onlya matter of time

before they start measuringour butts.

You realize that,don't you, huh?

I suppose it'll be likethat thing you stick the bag in

to see if it'll fitin the overhead.

"Sir, can you putyour butt in there?

We don't thinkyou're a coach seat."

You don't?

You hear your brotherbehind you,

"He's a stagecoach seat."

Then you do thisto your brother.

You ever do this--tiny talk?

[mouths words]

Only other family membersand cats and dogs

can understand it.

You'll see womenin the supermarket

with their kidssometimes--

[mouths words]

Dogs and cats.

You can't bring theminto Canada

unless they havea hockey uniform on.

You have a dog or cat?

Dog?Aren't dogs great?

The dog's always happyto see you.

You're always happy to see--no matter what.

If you come back five timesin five minutes,

the dog is still happyto see you each time.

Huh?

"Oh, my God,you came back!

"Oh, where'd you go?

"Don't ever leave me again!

Now let me lick you."

Cats don't careif you're home.

"Hey, Fluffy!"

[mouths words]

Cats lovewhen you're fat.

They're always over therewhen you're fat.

They're doingthe elliptical,

working out on your stomach,you know?

"Don't you move.

I'll scratchthe hell out of you."

Have you been to Canada?

Have you?'Cause it's an experience.

First of all, you fill outthe immigration thing.

"Are you carrying$10,000 or more?"

"Are you crazy?

"I'm comingfrom the States.

We don't have $10,000."

"Are you bringingany weapons?"

"Yeah, I got a Howitzerin my hollow leg."

[imitates gunshot]

Does anybody say,"Yeah, I'm bringing weapons in,

and I'm flush with cash"?

How about the walkfrom the plane to customs?

Have you ever done that?

What is that for, to weed outthe sick and infirmed?

Then I get up there,and you know,

even though I don't haveany drugs on me,

I'm still nervouswith the customs people.

I don't haveany drugs.

A doughnut maybe,but no drugs.

And then he says to me,

"Are you planning on visitinga farm while you're here?"

"Well, should I?"

I get there at 12:30at night, you know?

I was starving.

And there's nothing openin Canada at 12:30.

I said to the guywho was driving me--he goes,

"There's really nothing open."

I go, "Take meto the gas station.

I like that food."

Women won't eat it,but men will.

[feminine voice]"I'm not eating that."

[masculine voice]"What's wrong with that?

"It's tuna.

"It's packaged.

"I'll get thatand the apple

they playedhacky sack with."

Don't you think they throwthe fruit around

when no one's there?

Whoever's working--"Hey, Bill."

[mouths words]

And I come out of the store,

and a homeless guycomes up to me.

He goes,"I haven't eaten in five days."

"Well,you're not getting this."

I didn't say it,but I thought it, you know?

You know, haven't eatenin five days?

What's that like?

I went three hours once,but that was just a bad waiter.

I gave him money, so hecould get his tuna sandwich,

and the guydriving me goes,

"You know he's goingto buy dope with that."

"Well, I didn't thinkhe was going to start an IRA."

of course he's goingto buy crack with that.

Why not?

If you're homeless,you buy crack.

If you're on crack,you don't think you're homeless.

"How you doing?"

"I'm president!"

[mouths words]

Everybody has their own crack.Food's mine.

I see those99 McDoubles.

I think, "How can I affordnot to get one?"

For $3, I couldbe sick as a dog.

People talk a--talk about food like it's drugs.

Do you ever hear peopletalk like,

[whispers]"Oh, my God.

"Come on.Come here.

"We went downto this place.

"You gotta go down an alley,and you knock.

"They let you in.

There's food in there."

"Well, where is it?"

[whispers]"I can't tell you."

Food is actually somethingthat haunts me, you know?

That's why I eat it.

And...

[chuckles]

I open my drapes in the morning,and right across the street,

McDonald's, Pizza Hut,Cold Stone, Krispy Kreme.

That's my Mount Rushmore.

That's right.

Those are also my passwords.

McDonald's, Pizza Hut,Cold Stone, Krispy Kr--

And they're buildinga urgent care center

right next to it.

Not a minute too soon.

McDonald's.

They startedthe whole thing.

They started feeding uswhen we were kids.

They saidit's like dope.

When you drive by McDonald'swith your parents,

"Dad!

"McDonald's!

"Dad, McDonald's!

"Dad, McDonald's!

"Dad, McDonald's!

"Dad!

There's a liquor storeby it, Dad."

McDonald's.

Those aren't arches.

Those are butt cheeks.

You turn those around.

"Oh, I know her."

I try to order healthy'cause I have thin friends.

They're always happyfor you

when you're fatand you order healthy.

Your thin friends--I don't know why,

they're just happy.

"I'll get the chicken wrap."

"Oh, Louie.

"You're going to get a wrap?

So proud of you."

"Now don't gettoo excited.

I'm going to have themdeep-fry it."

One time I was in there,I go, "What's a Mac Wrap?"

"We took a Big Macand put it in a wrap."

[deep voice]"You're all going to hell."

"You want one?"

"Yeah."

McDonald's.they're good.

Pizza Hut.Eh, they're all right.

I hadthat Chicago Pizza.

You ever been to Chicagoand had the deep-dish pizza?

Jesus.

There's still a piece of thatin my colon somewhere.

If you get to a certain age,you can't digest that anymore.

It's like a tennis shoein a dryer.

Clunk, clunk, clunk.

Sometimes I'll just be walkingand go, "Oof, Chicago."

[cheers and applause]

I love Cold Stone.Do you have that?

That's good,isn't it?

So many choices though.

"Would you like a cupor a cone?"

"Crush a cone up,and put it in the cup."

"What size do you want?"

"Grand Canyon."

"You want Butterfingerin there?"

"Yeah, and don't forgethis sister, Baby Ruth."

"You want us to crusha brownie in here?"

"Do it!"

"That'll be $85."

"I'll take it!

Could I geta shoulder strap?"

"How did you hurt your arm?"

"Ice cream."

I try to order healthy.do you ever try that?

There's always, like,one or two things on there.

There's always salmonon there.

"Could I get the salmonon a plank?

Could I get the blindfoldwith that?"

Usually end up orderingthe same thing.

"Could I getthe grilled chicken,

some steamed broccoli,please?"

"You wanted somethingon that broccoli?"

"Steam."

"You want some cheddaron there?"

[meekly]"Yeah.

Could you steam itthough?"

"Could I geta Caesar salad?"

"You want chickenor shrimp?"

"Brownie."

[laughs]

"Louie, what is thatyou're eating?"

"Caesar salad."

"Is that a brownie on there,Louie?"

"Yeah."

"Well, how is it?"

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