Louie Anderson: Big Baby Boomer Page #2

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"Well, the brownie's good.

I don't think I'd orderthe salad again."

I knowI should eat the fish,

but I just--I always want to say,

"Do you have anythingless fishy?

You got any porkthat swims?"

[chuckles]

The only timeI want to eat salmon

is duringthose nature shows

where the bearis in the stream and--

[imitates gobbling]

Whenever I see that,I think,

"I should give salmonanother try."

I'm on a food plan now...

You know, where they give youthe whole week.

I'm upto next Wednesday.

You can't give a person my sizethe whole week's worth.

Think about it.

That's likea drug addict.

"Here's your drugsfor the week."

"Thank you.

I love you."

People always want meto smoke pot for some reason

after the show,

and I always tell themthe same thing,

"Listen, I don't needanother reason to be hungry."

I do not.

My friends smoke pot,I get the munchies.

I can't even have foodin the house.

I don't have any foodin the house.

'Cause if I have food inthe house and I'm laying in bed,

I go, "I bet that Cap'n Crunchis lonely in the cupboard."

I do have foodin the house.

I have six rice cakes

that I've been tryingto get rid of for five years.

I have sixof the original rice cakes.

You never--you biteinto that and go, "Ah...

what is that,a styrofoam cup?"

I really wantto be healthy.

Honestly, I do.

I start out--

Like, I'll get upin the morning,

and I'll have oatmeal.

I'll have a banana.

And then around 9:00...

[chuckles]

I go,"Did I eat anything?"

So dry here,isn't it?

It's a good ChapStick place.

Couple hours in this weather,you're ChapStick-ing everything.

"What are you doing?""My cheeks are chapped."

"Well, you're gonna needa bigger stick."

"Could I getthe Butt ChapStick, please?"

Don't you hate this?You're walking down the street.

Your friend goes,"Can I borrow your ChapStick?"

"Can I wearyour underwear?"

It's a nonborrowing item.

You always give it up.

"Keep it."

I have to be healthier now

'cause my doctor'syelling at me about--

They're the ones who are--This is how he talks to me.

[angry parental tone]"Louie."

Got a microphoneand everything.

A show business doctor.

"Louie,I'm worried about you."

"Well,don't charge me then."

No, I had a heart episode.Do you know what that is?

That's what they call it whenyou have really good insurance.

That even--doesn't even sound bad.

"He had a heart episode.No big deal."

I woke upin the middle of the night,

and I go,"Ooh...I didn't eat tacos."

I drove myself to the hospital,you know,

so I could havethat last cigarette.

Well,if you're going to go...

It's a good thingKFC wasn't open.

"Yeah, they found himin the car.

He kicked the bucketholding a bucket."

"Did he leave a note?"

"Well, there was somethingwritten on the window in gravy.

It was either 'sorry'or 'coleslaw'."

I didn't know this.

If you're a fat personand you go to the hospital

and you say "chest pains,"you're in.

"Fat guy, chest pains,come on down."

"What about the guywith no head?"

"We got a bucket of icecoming out for him."

[chuckles]

The nurse takes me in a room,and she goes, "Here, sir.

Put this on."

"On what?"

She puts the, uh,EKG thing on me,

tears it off,you know?

I go,"What does it say?"

"We don't read them."

The doctor comes in.

You're always happy and relievedthe doctor comes in.

Foreign doctor,always thrilled

'cause I knowthey studied.

He goes, "Mr. Anderson,you didn't have a heart attack."

"Oh, so good, could you slidethose cigarettes down here?"

He goes, "But we thinkyou've got some blockage."

"Oh, you know about that?

It's deep-dish."

He said, "We'd like to doan angioplasty on you."

"Oh, no, my breastsare big enough."

I mean, when I heard"angioplasty,"

I'll be honest with you,

I went, "Didn't I have thatat Olive Garden once?

Huh?"

"Could I get the EndlessAngioplasty, please?"

[giggles]

I go,"What's an angioplasty?"

He goes,"Well, we take a wire--"

"A wire?"

I flash back to my dadworking on the car.

"Get me a wire, damn it.I'll fix this damn thing.

We'll getthese brakes working."

"Yeah, we take a wire.

We go inthrough your groin."

"Hmm.Who's 'we'?"

It's notthat Congressman Weiner, is it?

[laughs]

That's a horrible nameto grow up with, isn't that?

Huh?

You're punched every dayat school with that name.

"Weiner, get over here!"

So I agreed to do it'cause, you know,

they dope you upin the hospital.

You agree to stuff,you know?

Isn't it true?

"You ready to go?"

"I'm ready to go!

I'm president!"

So I get downto the angioplasty place.

The same people who makethe robes make the tables.

One cheekover the line

Sweet Jesus

But what an amazing time,you know?

I lay backon that thing,

and it's amazing.

I look up,

and here is my hearton a monitor.

And I knewit was my heart too

'cause that thingwas wrapped in bacon.

The doctor comes in.

He goes,"You see your heart?"

[pained] "Yeah.

It's a Hormel."

He goes, "Do you knowwhich arteries are blocked?"

"You don't know?

Listen,if you're not sure--"

So he heads towards my groin,and--[clears throat]

You hardly ever say that,do you?

"So he headstowards my groin--"

Sounds like the beginningof a 48 Hours.

"He headstowards my groin."

He was feeding the wirein my artery.

That or a puppet showwas going on.

"You shut up.""No, you shut up."

And the wire, you know,it's got to go up the I-90

and then over the 15.

You get excitedwhen the wire shows up.

"You're in!"

And he's goingto put that wire--

Now they do it, I think,even more amazingly,

but the wire goes in--bam.

The arteryis opened up.

He tried it,like, 30 times.

I finally saidto him, "Doc,

what's going on?"

He goes, "I'm goingto get a colleague."

"I don't careif you get a shepherd.

I hear labsare nice dogs."

So he gets methe head of angioplasty.

He's coming in.

Why didn't I have himto begin with?

He fixedmy heart right up,

and right now,my heart's 100%.

I'm really lucky.I'm really--

Like, that'sthe amazing part,

that they could takea guy like me

and make my heart 100%.

You know, it's a--[applause]

Well, that's very nice of you.thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, I just had a stress test.you know what that is?

Where you have your whole familyover, and then, uh--

[laughs]

[chuckles]

No, I love my family,

but it is true with families,isn't it?

They're stressful.

I'm trying to bea healthier person, you know?

I'm working out now.

I go to Anytime Fitnesssometimes.

[chuckles]

How many people work outall the time?

[chuckles]

I just love America.

Huh?

I like those people who,every day, get home from work,

"I'm going to run downand do some cardio."

Get down there.

You know,I get home from work,

"I'm going to lay down.

"I'm going to eat somethingfirst though.

I don't want to get woke upby hunger pains again.

Every time I go to the gym,there's that one person running.

I just wantto say to them,

"You can stop running.

"They won't catch you.

There's food in my car."

Yeah, I always end upon the bike, you know,

with the plank seat.

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