Louie Anderson: Big Baby Boomer Page #3

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I have to coverthose things up.

There's too much informationon how far you've gone,

how long you've been on,clicking along.

"You're in Europe,riding on a hill."

"I am not."

And you always thinkyou've been on a long time,

and you haven't.

"I'm just going to see.

"It's got to be 20 minutes,right?

"Nine minutes.

"What is that, Central?

"Well, how many calories?Three calories?

"That means I'm going to haveto spit this piece of candy out.

Well, how far did I go?"

"You are still here."

The first week I worked out,I gained 4 pounds.

It was very discouraging.

I yelledat the trainer.

I go,"I gained 4 pounds."

"Don't worry about it, Louie.This is normal.

We're building your core."

"You're building my core?"

"Well, when do wework on the outer crust?

"This core is plenty strong,hauling this ass around

for [mumbles] years."

"How old are you?"

[mumbles]

I remember whenmy parents turned 50.

We used to stare at them.

"Won't be long now.

I get the rambler."

How old are you, sir?

- 27.

- 27.Get out.

27.27.

When I was 27, I could peefrom my bed into the toilet.

[clears throat]

There was a nice arcon it.

There was a rainbowgoing through it.

That's where that expressioncomes from--

"Pot at the endof the rainbow."

Now I just think I peed.

"Did I pee?

"I don't know.

I better try again."

I think we should justeither be under 50 or over 50.

I don't even think we needthat whole 58, 57, 56.

[cheers and applause]

This is all the peoplethat are that age

are going, "Yeah!

Let's get some torches!"

I turned 50eight years ago.

That's what I sayto people.

"How old are you, Louie?"

"I turned 50 eight years ago."

"What did he say?

What is he, 42?What is he?"

I didn't know the signsback then, you know?

My dad used to--we knew he was getting older,

'cause when he'd sit down,he started to go, "Oh, Lord!"

And he'd get up,"Oh, Jesus!"

He was a very religious man,obviously.

[chuckles]

"Oh, Lord."

Yeah, I remember that.

You have a meat tooth yet?

That's when you knowyou're getting older.

You're just standing there--[sucking on tooth]

"What's wrong?"

[sucks tooth]"Meat tooth."

[continues sucking tooth]

You'd be talkingto the president.

It wouldn't matter.

"Louie, nice to meet you."

[sucking tooth]"Yeah...

"It's great meeting you,Mr. Obama.

"Oh, Jesus.

You don't have a business cardon you, do you?"

I take business cards.

They fitright in there.

You get that out,you're relieved.

Ohh!

And you have a snack.

What wasyour f[...] name again?

Nick.

That's what happens too.

You can't rememberanything.

Nick, I want you to come overto the house after the show,

open jars for me.

You can't open anythingafter you're 50.

You got to wait till peoplestop by the house.

"Oh, my God,I'm glad you're here.

"Listen...

"before we eat,could you open this stuff

"here on the table for me?

"Start with the scissors.

"They're in some sortof sick plastic.

"I have cut the hellout of my hand

trying to open them."

Who are they keepingthe scissors from?

They should put my foodin that plastic.

"You are losing weight."

"I can't get it open!

"I'm starving!

Please, help me!"

People don't warn youabout 50.

I'm trying to warn youof a few things.

Time moves faster.

Soon as you hit 50,people start coming up to you--

"Louie,what did you do today?"

"It's over?

I had some soup."

[imitates sobbing]

You're dying for soupafter you're 50.

"Louie, you hungry?"

"Is there any soup?

Could you open it for me?"

Here's what happenswhen you get older.

You open the microwave and go,"When did I have pot pies?

They're still warm."

Kids born today

are gonna live to 1000,they say.

Isn't thatan amazing thing?

No one everapplauds that, ever.

'Cause you're always thinking,"When will I retire, 700?"

They say the reason is

is that technologywill catch up.

I just love ketchup.

I can't go out, I'm telling you.I don't go out.

That's another thingyou don't do after you're 50.

"You want to go out?"

"It's 9:
30.

I got slippers on."

"We're thinking about headingover to the club at 10:00."

"Is it a sleepover?"

Isn't that funny,when you're young,

you do drugsthat can kill you.

You get older,you just want drugs

that'll keep you alive.

That's full circle, baby.

I don't plop anymore.

I used to plop onto the bed

'cause, I don't know,

I bought a really good bed.

I'd plop right down.

And then one day,I plopped right in,

slammed into the wall,

and went right downbetween the bed and the wall.

I was therefor three damn days.

Luckily, I found an old muffinI had dropped down there.

I read where somebodywas 100--

somebody's grandma was 100.

She was going to bungee jump.

Couldn't she come apart?

"There she goes.Oh, my--there she goes.

There she goes.There--grandma!"

I'm thinkingabout going down to the DMV

and have them takingmy license away.

I'm a terrible driver now.

I was the best driver.

I was the driver who would go,"Look at this guy.

"Look at that guy.Look at that woman.

Look at this--all terrible."

Now I get--

I used to drivewith one finger.

Remember those dayswith those big automatic s--?

"Where we going?"

"We're going wherever we want.

"That's where we're going.

"Hold on,get my knee driving."

You know,to get the sandwich.

Now I get in the car,I'm not even sure it's mine.

"I boughta blue car?"

I grab the wheellike I'm on a ship.

"Gilligan!"

People honk at me.

That's when I knew

it was starting to go bad.

Beep!"What the--

"What was sound?

"What did I do?

"Oh, Jeez, I'm going seven.

"Sorry!

Seven seemed fast."

and I'm always apologizingwhen there's no one.

"Sorry!

I'll go ten next time."

They've already gone by,given me the finger.

And as soon as you hit 50,you start hitting curbs.

Bam!

"Did I hit someone?"

"You hit the curb."

"When did theyput that in?"

"When they builtthe street."

"I didn't see it."

I don't back up either.

I don't back up.

I powerright through that curb.

And I lieto people.

"What happenedto your wheel?"

"That damn valet guy."

"All four of them?"

"He's persistent."

Sometimes I'll be out driving,and I'll think to myself,

"Huh...where am I off to?"

I gotta dothe fake call home.

"Hey.

You want anythingwhen I'm over there?"

"At the dentist?"

"Oh, thank you.

"I'ma get you some floss.

The minty kind."

You slow the car downwhen you're older.

"What is that,a new Walgreens?"

Who ever thought drugstoreswere going to be so interesting?

"Look at this thing.

"It keeps your toes apart.

I knew they wouldeventually web."

I'm dumb too.

There's a dumb part of me

when I get in that drugstore

asking the pharmacistquestions.

"So, uh...

"what's the, uh--

"on the Prilosec,what's the--

what's the 'OTC' stand for?"

The pharmacistlooks at me, goes,

"Over...

"The...

Counter."

[laughs]

"I'm going to beunder the counter right now."

I can't see anymore.

Thinking about gettinga miner's helmet.

"I dropped itdown here somewhere."

"What are you doing?"

"I'm looking for gold,God damn it.

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