Louis C.K.: Hilarious

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[Soft, indistinct chatter]

- You have your key

In there, sir?

- Yeah.

[Scattered cheers, shouting]

- House lights?

Go--wally, go on house lights.

- You ready?

- Spotlight.

Spotlight. Spotlight.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you.

Hi.

Thank you very much.

Uh, Thank you.

Hello, everybody.

Um, Hello.

I mean, by everybody,

I mean, uh, you guys.

Uh, i mean

Everybody who's here.

Really i shouldn't

Say "everybody,"

Because most people

Are not here.

By a pretty huge majority,

Most people are not here.

Most people are in China,

Actually.

It's true.

Actually, that's not true.

Most people are dead.

Did you know that?

It's true.

Out of all the people

That ever were,

Almost all of them are dead.

There are

Way more dead people.

And you're all gonna die,

And...

And then you're gonna be dead

For way longer than your life.

Like, that's mostly

What you're ever gonna be.

You're just dead people

That didn't die yet.

That's...

There are so many dead people.

Ray Charles is dead.

Hitler.

Bunch of other ones.

But mostly those two guys.

And...

It's true.

Ray Charles and Hitler

Are both dead.

And really it's the only thing

They have in common,

Because otherwise

They're very different dudes.

Many contrasts between Hitler

And Ray Charles.

I'm gonna tell you

A few of 'em.

Um, Ray Charles was black.

Hitler was not.

Hitler killed several Jews.

Too many.

I'll say too many.

He killed an excessive amount

of Jews.

He really...

Beat that thing to the ground.

He killed way--

He just--no moderation.

Ray charles, meanwhile,

Hardly any Jews.

He killed so few Jews.

Uh...

I don't know

How to start Shows.

It's just a problem

That i have.

I never...

I never figured out how to come

Out and just start talking,

Because the first thing

You say on stage

Always feels stupid,

Because there's no real reason

For me to talk to you.

It just doesn't exist.

I don't know you.

You don't--you're--

You don't even know each other.

You're facing

The same direction.

That's all

You have in common.

So i just have to...Bleh!

It's like talking

To a girl at a bar

Because

You're attracted to her.

The first thing you say

Is just gonna be dog sh*t

Coming out of your mouth.

Because you don't know her.

The only honest thing

That you could say to her

Is "i want

To f*** your face."

That's the only thing

You could say

That you could mean.

Anything else you say

Is you trying really hard

Not to say

"I want to f*** your face."

That's the only thing you're--

"Hi, i want

To put my penis in...

The lowest hole

In your head."

I was never good at that.

Like, i was very bad

At being single,

Which is a problem,

Because i'm divorced,

So i'm single again.

After ten years

of marriage, and--

No, here.

Cut the sh*t.

Don't even start

With that noise

Like a puppy died.

Let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something.

And this is important,

Because someday one of your

Friends is gonna get divorced.

It's gonna happen.

And they're gonna tell you.

Don't go, "oh, i'm sorry."

That's a stupid thing to say.

It really is.

First of all,

You're making 'em feel bad

For being really happy,

Which isn't fair.

And second--let me explain

Something to you.

Divorce is always good news.

I know that sounds weird,

But it's true,

Because no good marriage

Has ever ended in divorce.

It's really that simple.

That's never ha--

That would be sad,

If two people were married

And they were really happy,

And they just had a great thing,

And then they got divorced,

That would be really sad.

But that has happened

Zero times.

Literally zero.

Ray Charles

Has killed more Jews

Than happy marriages

Have ended in divorce.

So if your friend

Got divorced,

It means things were bad,

And now they're--

I mean, they're better.

They're not good.

Life is sh*t wall to wall,

But they're better,

So you should be happy.

But the part that's difficult

Is being single at 41

After ten years of marriage

And two kids.

It's--that's like

Having a bunch of money

In the currency of a country

That doesn't exist anymore.

Like...

Like i found 500 million

Prussian francs.

I can't really take

Advantage of being single,

Because i didn't--

I didn't expect to be single.

I'm not prepared.

I didn't think i'd ever be--

I didn't keep

This sh*t up.

You understand?

I didn't maintain

Any of this

At presentation condition.

It's function only.

It was not...

I didn't think

I would need it that way.

I thought i was gonna be shoving

It into the same person

Every three months

Till one of us died.

That's...

What i thought was the nature

of the deployment for this...

I didn't think

I had to be, like,

Appealing to someone

From scratch.

It's like having a--

It's like having a '73

Dodge dart in your backyard.

And it's been sitting back there

With grass growing--

You don't have any--

It's not an old mustang.

You have no plans

To restore that dart.

You don't even see it

When you look out the window.

And now you find out

That's your only way to work.

You need that car now.

And you're like,

"Oh, sh*t, i--

"I didn't take--

It's got bees in it.

"I didn't take care of it.

"It's full of bees.

"There's a family of mice

Living in the tailpipe.

I can't take that to work."

I have no single instincts.

I know too much to be single.

I know everything

That happens now.

That's no good for single.

You got to be optimistic

To be single.

Stupid.

You have to be stupid.

That's what optimistic means,

You know?

It means stupid.

An optimist

Is somebody who goes,

"Hey, maybe something

Nice will happen."

Why the f*** would anything nice

Ever happen?

What are you, stupid?

But that's the attitude

You have to be to be single.

You have to look at somebody

And go, "ooh, maybe..."

I don't look at it that way,

Even when i see somebody

I'm attracted to.

I was at a gym the other day.

Why? Why?

I'm at a gym.

I'm just wearing shorts.

That's all i'm doing there.

Just standing there.

And i look over,

And there's a girl on the--

You know, with a ponytail,

And she's on this thing--

And i'm looking at her,

And i'm like,

"Oh, she's awesome.

Sh*t."

But then i start thinking,

Wait a minute.

I'm single. I'm on the market.

I have value.

I could say something

To her.

I could just walk up

And say something.

And i'm trying to think--

"What am i gonna say?"

What does--what do i look like

To somebody like that?

And then i realize

It's been way too long.

I've just been standing there,

Staring at her.

[Grunts]

I want her!

I have no identity

In the single world.

I can't--i look at them,

I don't know what they're doing.

I--i tried just jerking off

Ito Girls Gone Wild

The other day.

Just to re-enter

The community that way.

Just to feel part of it.

And i bought it.

Not the commercial

On Comedy Central.

I paid money like a grown-up.

I put my credit card down

And waited for it

To come to my house.

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