Louis C.K.: Hilarious Page #2

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I'm an adult.

Iso i'm trying to jerk off

To Girls Gone Wild.

I can't do it,

'Cause i'm a father.

I'm too old.

I'm just getting mad

At everybody in the video.

I'm like, "you f***ing

Irresponsible b*tches.

Go back to school.

What are you doing down there?"

"There's two wars

And a depression.

"Put your--get the oil

off your tits and study,

For f***'s sake."

I just don't look at a woman

As a pair of tits anymore,

And i wish i did,

'Cause i could get laid easier,

'Cause that's what it takes.

Just to go--

[Grunting]

But i can't now.

Like, i went to a club.

I went to a club,

You know, like, a...

[Imitates thumping club music]

Like, a club.

And i'm standing there

Looking at all the people,

And there's the women--

The hot chicks.

The hot girl at the bar.

You know when you see them,

That's just--she's a hot girl

At the bar.

She's got the--

Got the shirt and the skirt,

And the boots.

Those three lines.

It's, like, some

Perfect ratio that they hit

With those three lines,

And you--

And they're all

Standing there like that.

And i used to look

At somebody like that.

I'm like,

"Wow, she's an angel.

What could i ever say

To make her like me?"

Now i look at her and i'm like,

"What is that?

"Is that even a person?

"What the f***

Kind of person is that?

Is that an identity even?

Who would want to be that?"

I have two daughters.

I pray they don't

Grow up to be the--

The hot girl at the bar.

What kind of--

"Hey, what do you do?"

"People want to f*** me."

Really? That's it?

"Yeah.

"I go to this club, and they

Want to f*** me over here.

"Ha ha.

Not you.

Ha ha."

And their male counterparts

Are even more useless.

The guys.

The dudes--the going out

To get laid dudes.

You know those guys

That walk in packs of nine

Down the bar street.

The going out

To get laid guys.

They all got the same

Button-up, stripy,

Going out to get laid

Shirt on.

They all got the same stride,

And there's one short

Guy behind them like--

And they--

They're all out to get--

Like, who's gonna

F*** all nine of you?

What is the fantasy here?

Are you gonna see nine women

In the same configuration,

And just all--?

Are you all gonna walk

Into a giant vagina somewhere?

"Ha ha! Dude!"

And then later they're in front

of a pizza place,

Just angry at each other.

"You said there was p*ssy there,

You idiot!"

"Shut up!"

Then they beat up a stranger

And get the energy out that way.

"F*ggot!"

Those are the most

dangerous people,

Are dudes

That didn't get laid.

They're just f***ing--

[Grumbles]

Just full of come

Coming out of their eyes.

"F***ing--f***ing--

F*** somebody."

Stand there.

I love dudes

That hang out together

And do the whole--

I saw this group of guys,

And one of 'em was such a guy,

He had it turned up so high

That it was crazy.

His friends

Were kind of normal.

He was like--

I'm like, "what? Is that--

That can't be real.

That can't be a personality."

Does he do that at 4:00

In the morning

When he's peeing

And nobody's in his apartment?

He's like--

And he kept doing that gesture

That guys like to do.

The...

That's my favorite

Dumb guy gesture.

Yeah. Pfft.

Pffsh, yeah, right.

I always wonder,

What if there was a guy

Who, whenever he does this,

He has to finish.

Like, just some guy

Who works in your office.

You ask him a question.

"Hey, is Bill in yet?"

"Yeah,

Like, he's ever on time."

[Whispers]

"Oh, f***."

[Cheers and applause]

[Breathes heavily]

"Oh, sh*t.

"Seriously, that dude's

Always late, man.

I'm serious."

[Stammers]

It's always an odd moment

In a guy's life,

The second after you come,

And you're like--

[Shudders]

Reality comes rushing back.

'Cause you've been

Pushing reality away

In pieces

All night to get the--

"Oh, no, it's fine.

"Yeah, no,

It doesn't matter.

"No, i'll just

Leave my car there.

"It doesn't matter.

I'll just go...

"Doesn't matter...

This is weird...

Ah, f***."

And then

You're just like--

You're like the Hulk coming

back down to the other guy.

My clothes are ripped

And there's a dead guy here.

I don't know what happened.

I'm gonna get my duffle bag

And leave town again.

[Whistles]

So this is

A beautiful theater.

I like what i do,

Because i get to work

In a lot of different places.

And, uh, recently

I did a show in New Jersey

In the auditorium

of a technical High School.

I forgot that existed.

technical High School.

That's where dreams

Are narrowed down.

That's--

'Cause we tell our children,

"You can do anything you want."

Their whole lives.

"You can do anything."

But at this place,

We take kids--

Like, they're 15.

They're young.

And we tell them,

"You can do eight things.

We got it down

To eight for you."

And i'm not saying

These people are stupid.

Because i'm stupid.

I really am stupid,

And it bothers me.

Like,

I wish i was more stupid,

'Cause then it wouldn't--

I would--just all

My thoughts would just be--

[Murmuring]

But instead,

Here's how my brain works.

It's stupidity

Followed by self-hatred

And then further analysis.

It's not a very efficient

System of thought.

I have these dumb thoughts,

"Duh,"

And then i go, "what the f***

Is wrong with you?"

And then i figure it out.

But the impulse

Is always stupid.

Like, i saw this guy

In New York one day,

And he's walking his dog,

And this is what i saw.

The guy's got a--

He's got a coffee

And a dog on a leash,

And a phone.

He's on the phone.

So he's got

His phone like this,

And the dog's leash is going

From the phone hand to the dog.

And i look at this and i go,

"Oh, he's got, like,

A dog phone."

Like, that thought

Sincerely inhabited me

For, like, a full minute.

I'm going, "oh, i wonder

What the benefits are

To hooking

Your phone up to a dog."

And then the other part of me

Had to go,

"Why the f***

Would that exist?

You a**hole."

I had a string of bad--

Dumb thoughts the other day.

I was--i don't remember

What town i was in.

I was on the road.

I was just standing

In front of my hotel.

It was 5:
00 in the afternoon.

That's usually what i'm doing

At 5:
00 in the afternoon.

Just standing in front

of my hotel.

Because i've been

Inside all day.

Just with the jacking off

And the ice cream.

It's just horrible.

It's, like, a horrible thing.

All day.

Just depths of f***ing hell.

Just--i wake up,

I get, like, chicken wings.

Sh*t nobody eats

At 10:
00 a.M.

Like, really--hot wings

And i eat 'em all,

And then i'm like, "uh..."

So i get ice cream

To cool it off, you know?

Like...

And then i feel worse,

So i jack off and pass out.

I turn off my phone

In case my kids call.

I can't f***ing face anybody.

I wake up covered with

Three kinds of shame glaze

Just covering my body.

And so right around 5:00

In the afternoon

It starts getting dark,

And i'm like, "i got to be

In the daylight just once."

I have to at least

One time in the day

Be in the daylight.

And that's--

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