Louis C.K.: Hilarious Page #3

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I just stand there. That's it.

Like a f***ing mental patient

In a bathrobe.

Just--

Cigarette burns

On the robe and sh*t.

Some girl telling me

She got married.

I'm not listening.

"Daddy,

This is my husband."

That's what it feels like,

Anyway.

And i started

Looking at people,

And they're all crispy-clothed

And rosy-cheeked

And full of purpose,

And they're making me

Feel worse.

And i'm about to go back

In the hotel

And jack off another time.

And then i look

Across the street

And i see this couple,

And they were just striking.

They were a beautiful couple.

It was a beautiful woman

With a beautiful man.

I'll say he's beautiful.

I got no problem with it.

I'll suck his dick too.

I don't need your permission.

I don't care.

Walk right over there

And suck his dick.

I mean, i never did that,

But i'm 41.

Maybe i'll do

The second half gay.

I don't know.

It remains an option.

There's got to be

Something to it.

Those folks

Are having a good time.

They have parades.

They--there's no parades

For how i get laid.

They have parades.

Marching down the street

To celebrate that

They blow each other

And f*** each other

In the ass.

Smush their vaginas together,

Or whatever that one is.

Whatever wonderful thing

Those folks are doing

That's none of my business.

So i--okay,

So i'm looking at the couple,

And they're walking

On the other side of the street,

And they have a child with them.

But i can't see their child,

'Cause there's, like,

A dumpster and some other stuff.

I just see, like,

A little head.

And i'm waiting, i'm curious

What their kid looks like,

Because they're so beautiful.

Maybe i want

To f*** their kid.

I don't know.

[Laughs]

That--that's just me

Saying something terrible

Because it makes me laugh

That it upsets you.

That's all that is.

Just so you know.

It's just--it's just enjoyable

To me that you're upset.

That's all it is.

I'm not gonna f*** a kid.

I wouldn't do that.

Maybe a dead kid.

Who are you hurting?

He's dead.

Who are you hurting?

I'm not saying i would kill

A kid and f*** him.

I'm saying if i found

A dead kid in a field

And it wasn't raining,

I might take a shot.

I don't know.

I haven't been

In that situation.

All right.

[Laughs]

Oh, sorry.

All right. Okay.

So i'm looking

At the couple, and...

[Sighs]

They got a kid with them,

And i'm curious

What their kid looks like.

And they come

Around the corner,

And they're--and this

Is a true story.

It wasn't a kid.

It was a little old chinese

Woman walking next to them.

And here's what

My dumb brain tells me.

I go, "oh, that's what

Their child is like."

Not like, "oh, she's

A separate person.

She's not with them."

I'm like,

"Oh, that young couple

"Gave birth to a tiny,

Elderly chinese woman.

Isn't that interesting?"

And then the other

Part of me had to go,

"Dude, you--

"Yeah, that's what happened.

Yes.

A**hole."

And then i was looking

At the little old chinese lady.

She was--there was

A beauty to her.

She's just tiny, little,

Old ch--

I was staring at her

'Cause i was fascinated by her.

I don't know anybody like her,

And i am so not

A little old chinese lady.

That i--i was like,

"What are her thoughts?"

That was what

I was burning inside with.

What is she thinking

Right now?

I can never know.

And i really--the dumb brain

Is telling me

That she's just thinking--

[Imitates chinese]

That's how dumb i am.

That i think chinese

Gibberish that i made up...

Is in her

Actually chinese mind.

That's all.

Just--

"Me chinese."

[Imitates chinese]

Course i didn't--i can't know

What she was thinking.

She could be thinking

Anything.

"Eh, black people steal."

So i'm like--

She might--

I'm not saying they steal.

I'm saying that f***ing

Racist chinese lady

Might have been thinking it.

She might have been.

It's possible.

And i went to England.

I spent a month there.

I liked England.

Everything's different.

I mean, that's obvious,

But some of

The differences were cool.

I like the money,

The money--

Instead of a dollar bill

They have the pound coin.

And it's a coin and

You throw it on the counter.

It felt kind of cool.

Like the old west.

Like going on the--you know,

Being on the dusty trail.

You see a saloon, so you walk

Over to it with your horse.

You throw the rope

Vaguely at the pole outside.

That thing they do.

It's my whole life

On that horse.

Should be fine.

Just...

Walk in the saloon.

"Give me a beer,

The bottle of whiskey,

"And a room for a week,

"Steak dinner, shave

And a haircut and a bath,

"And some new clothes

And a hat and some boots,

And some oats for my horse,

And a woman."

Here you go.

Ping.

That's all.

One heavy coin.

You're fine.

Nobody adds up all those things

You mentioned.

They don't check

To see what coin it was.

The guy just keeps

Drying the glass.

Things were very vague

Back then.

Things just cost money.

"Hey, how much is that?"

"Money."

In the old english movies,

It was different.

It was a little sack of coins.

Remember that little

Drawstring sack

Tossed over

By some faggy lord

With a ruffled shirt.

Throw it disdainfully down

To some commoner

Who's gonna do something

Beneath his station.

"Follow the girl and report

Back to me at midnight.

"Bring a shovel and a sack

"And two reliable men

Such as yourselves.

"Oh, what's that?

Oh, yes, of course.

Well,

This ought to be sufficient."

Meh, just--shink.

"Oh, thank you, sir."

The guy's so happy

To get a general amount

of some kind

of currency or another.

He didn't, like, count it.

Like, "i think you only gave me

Enough for the shovel.

There's not enough there."

That was a good time

In our economy,

When you needed to have gold

To buy sh*t.

We might be going back to that

Pretty soon too.

Things are pretty f***ed up.

People are a little bit scared.

But you know what?

How bad could it really get?

I mean, most Americans

Have so much crap

You could lose most of it

And still be--

Have more sh*t

Than the average Canadian,

Even.

Like, we're the fattest

People in the world,

And we just have

All this sh*t,

And we hate it.

We're just miserable

With our phones.

"F***ing..."

[Murmurs]

Just angry all the time.

And i worry about

The economy failing,

Because we don't--

We can't even--

We're miserable

With a great life.

Like, i don't know

How the f***

We're gonna deal with, like,

When you got to move your mom

Into the cellar and sh*t

And, like, have, like,

Serious problems.

Because we have, like--

Up till now,

We have white--

We have white people problems

In America,

That's what we have.

White people problems.

You know what that is?

That's where your life

Is amazing,

So you just make sh*t up

To be upset about.

People in other countries

Have real problems.

Like, "oh, sh*t,

They're cutting off

All our heads today."

Things like that.

Here we make sh*t up

To be upset about.

"Like, how come i have to choose

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