Louis C.K.: Hilarious Page #4

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A language on the atm machine?

It's bullshit."

"I shouldn't have to do that.

I'm American."

God, the sh*t

We b*tch about.

I called American Airlines,

And i got a xstani lady.

And she was in Pakistan.

Only people near my fat,

White body should have jobs.

I'll tell you what, though.

When i call American Airlines

And i get the Pakistani lady,

I hang up and i call again.

I do.

I'm gonna tell you honestly.

And it's not because

I don't like her,

And it's not because

She doesn't speak english,

'Cause she speaks

Way better than i do.

She's just a better person.

It's so clear.

And i know--here's why

I don't like talking to her.

'Cause i know she doesn't

Give a sh*t

About me and

My white people problems.

I want to talk

To the lady from Texas,

Who's--

"Well, how can i help you?"

That's the lady i want.

I just know when i--

[Pakistani accent]

"Hello, American--"

"Oh, f***.

You don't care."

There's no way.

Why would you?

I'm in my underwear.

"Hi, i have a layover

In Dallas that's really long,

And i was wondering if--"

And she's like,

"Oh, really?

"I haven't had a clean glass

of water in ten years, okay?

"Two of my kids

Died this morning.

"I still came to work,

You fat sh*t.

"I can hear your fat

Over the phone.

Why don't you hang up

And kill yourself?"

Why would she care?

But we just--God.

Standing at the atm.

"I can't believe

They make me go like this.

Stupid."

What the f***

Are you complaining about?

You push a button and money

Comes out a f***ing slot.

It didn't used to be that way.

When i was younger,

You had to go in the bank.

Remember that?

You had to go inside the bank.

Now you look in the bank,

You're like, "what are those

People doing in there?

Are they cleaning?

The money's out here."

It's amazing how different

Sh*t is now,

And it hasn't been this way

For a long time.

It's been a very short time.

Everybody has a phone

In their pocket.

It didn't used to be

You had a phone--

Just a few years ago,

Nobody had their phone.

It was just the phone.

It was this thing, the phone,

That was in a room

In your house.

And then you had to dial

This f***ing thing.

There was a rotor,

And you had to turn it

And go--

[Imitates rotary phone]

You actually hated people

With zeros in their numbers,

'Cause they made you do--

Well, this guy's got

A zero and a nine.

How badly do i want to talk

To that piece of sh*t?

That's too much work.

Now we have this,

Which is amazing.

We have these phones that you

Can call in an air strike.

You can look at the top

of your own head.

It's amazing, this sh*t,

And it's wasted

On the shittiest generation

of piece of sh*t a**holes

That ever f***ing lived.

I swear to God.

We are.

We're the worst people so far.

Because we have

This beautiful thing,

And we hate it.

We're just--

"F***ing thing."

I don't--

Never saw a person going,

"Look at what

My phone can do."

Nobody does that.

They all go--

"F***ing thing, it sucks.

I can't get it to--"

Give it a second,

Would you?

Could you give it a second?

It's going to space.

Can you give it a second

To get back from space?

Is the speed of light

Too slow for you?

You non-contributing,

Product sponge c*nt?

Can you just wait?

Can you just take

A little breath?

Just wait for that picture of

Axl rose to get on your phone.

Like it even f***ing mattered

What you were doing.

Like it was even important.

We're all just so mad.

"I hate my phone.

It sucks!"

No, it doesn't.

It's amazing.

The shittiest cell phone

In the world

Is a miracle.

Your life sucks

Around the phone.

Why are you so mad at it?

People say

The craziest sh*t.

"I--i hate Verizon."

What are you talking about?

How can that feeling exist?

"I hate Verizon!"

"Why? Did they fire you

And take away your pension?"

"No, it just--couple of times

It was weird for a second."

[Grumbles]

"I hate them!"

Hate Verizon.

Well, make your own, then.

You go make one.

Make your own network.

Get some hubcaps

And climb some trees.

See how close

Yours is to perfect.

Why would it be perfect?

Really,

It's as good as it is.

Why do we expect it

To be f***ing perfect

All the f***ing time?

We're not contributing.

We're not helping it be perfect.

We don't even know what--

What is involved.

Do you have any idea

What is involved

In taking your thing

That you said

That nobody needs

To ever hear ever,

When you go--

"Hey, what's up, dude."

[Blows raspberry]

And a little, invisible,

Magic angel takes it, and--

[Whooshes]

God damn it.

Ho--"when did you

Send me that text?"

If i sent it to you

A month ago, it's amazing.

Whenever it gets to you,

It's amazing.

Whenever it gets to you

It's incredible.

I don't know.

I'm not that old. I'm 41.

But i'm still amazed

At the sh*t in my life.

I'm amazed at the sh*t

In the world.

I was on a plane once,

Like about a month ago,

And they had high-speed,

Wireless internet on the plane,

And they had never

Done that before.

They explained to us

That we were, like,

One of the first aircraft.

And i opened up my laptop,

And i'm online.

I'm looking

At youtube and sh*t

While we're flying.

And then it broke down.

And the woman says, "i'm sorry,

But we have to fix the internet,

So it's down

For the rest of the flight."

The guy next to me goes,

"It's f***ing bullshit."

I'm, like, "dude, how does

The world owe you something

You didn't even know existed

People on planes

Are the worst.

People on planes,

They complain.

They get off the plane,

They come to your house,

And they tell you about

Your whole flight experience.

And they make it sound

Like it was f***ing a--

A cattle car

In Poland in the '40s.

They just make it--

"That was the worst

Day of my life.

"I had to sit on the runway

For 40 minutes."

That's a story

In this country.

That's a f***ing hardship,

That you had to sit

On the runway.

People will listen

To that story.

They'll stop doing the dishes

And turn around and go,

"Oh, my God, really?

For 40 minutes?

That's awful.

You should sue them."

"I had to sit on the runway

For 40 minutes."

Oh, my God, really?

What happened then?

Did you fly through the air

Like a bird?

Incredibly?

Did you soar

Into the clouds impossibly?

Did you partake

In the miracle of human flight?

And then land softly

On giant tires

That you couldn't

Even conceive

How they f***ing

Put air in them?

How dare you.

Bitching about flying.

"I had to pay

For my sandwich."

You're flying!

You're sitting in a chair

In the sky.

You're like a greek myth

Right now.

"But it doesn't

Go back very far,

And it's sort of

Squishing my knees."

The Wright Brothers would

kick us all right in the c*nt

If they knew.

If--if you could go back

In time to Orville Wright

And go, "hey, dude, i had to sit

On the runway for 40 minutes."

And he'd be like,

"Oh, sh*t,

Well, let's

Not even bother, then."

"Hey, Wendell, shut it down.

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