Louis C.K.: Hilarious Page #5

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"They make you wait for a bit.

That hardly seems worth it."

There's always delays.

That's what everybody

Complains about.

There's always delays

When i fly.

Really? Delays.

It's too slow.

Air travel's too slow.

New York to California

In six hours.

That used to take 30 years,

To do that,

And a bunch of you would die

On the way there.

You'd get shot in the neck

With an arrow and you'd go--

[Gags]

And fall down.

And the other passengers

Would just bury you

And put a stick there with your

Hat on it and keep walking.

And one of 'em

Would f*** your wife

And have three babies.

And all the old people

Would die.

You'd be a whole different

Group of people

By the time

You got to California.

Now you watch

An Adam Sandler movie

And you take a big, runny dump

And you're there.

I was, uh, i was flying

About a week ago,

And, uh, i was in the airport,

And i saw this really old man,

And he's on--

He's on a wheelchair.

I can f***ing hear

That sh*t,

So back the f*** off.

I can hear

It in your headsets.

Just careful.

Or turn them down.

Sorry to f*** up

The entire show for that,

But i could hear--

[Imitates earpiece chatter]

"Get closer to him.

"No, it's okay, it's fine.

Get closer to him.

He won't mind."

All right.

Wait a second.

[Cheers and applause]

Okay, uh,

This about where i was?

Okay.

[Audience member shouts]

That's right.

I was on a--

I was in the, um...

I was in the airport.

Ugh...

Tot--just drenched right now.

Totally drenched.

It's like i peed.

It's crazy.

Okay, so i'm in the airport,

And i'm going through security,

And they bring this old man

In a wheelchair,

And he was...

Crazy old.

I mean, he was the oldest thing

I've ever seen.

I've been

To museums and sh*t.

This dude...

I didn't know

There had been as much time

As this guy was old.

I mean,

He was at least forever.

He was at least that old.

Just tiny,

Little nosferatu hands

And eggy head.

Just one of those...

So frail.

It was like

Just the atmosphere

Was crushing him

Into a diamond.

Just...

[Screeches]

And they're

Pushing him through,

And i'm not the only per--

Like,

He was parting the people,

'Cause people were going,

"What the f***?

That's crazy.

He's really old!"

And they take him

Through security,

And, you know,

If you're really old

Or you're in a wheelchair,

You can't go through

The metal detector

If you're in a wheelchair,

So they take you

To secondary clearance,

Which is far more stringent.

Like, the oldest and feeblest

People get the highest scrutiny.

So they take him over there,

And he's--i mean, he doesn't

Even look good for infinity.

He's not even like, a--

He's, like--

Got a whole thing going.

And they take him over,

And they start checking him

For weapons.

Like, thor--like,

What do you got there, huh?

Like, checking him.

And they lift him--

I swear to God,

They picked him up

Gently out of the wheelchair

By the shoulders,

And he's standing between

These two guys like this,

And they're going--

[Imitates beeping]

And i'm like, "really?

Is that the guy, fellas?

"You think that's the guy?

Do you want to maybe

Let him go?"

Let him enjoy the last

Ten seconds of his life

Doing something else.

What--what is he gonna--

Even if he pulled it off,

He deserves whatever he wanted,

Really.

What is he gonna do?

Even if he had a grenade--

Let him keep it.

And i know what they'd say.

They'd be like, "well,

Where do you draw the line?"

He--this is the line.

This guy right here,

He's the actual line.

It's very clear.

There's always somebody going

Through security who's like,

"I don't want

To take off my shoes.

"Stupid.

I'm not a terrorist."

Oh, that's right.

We only make

Terrorists do that.

I'm sorry.

[Grumbles]

That's what we sound like now.

[Grumbles]

Just the whole country.

We're like

Fat eighth graders.

All of us.

Just--

Not fair.

You ever listen to people?

When i was in England,

I went into this cafe

Full of AfghaniJ people,

And they're--they just had

Crackly energy

To their language.

I don't know

What they were saying,

But it was like--

[Imitates language]

There's energy.

We don't have that anymore.

You ever listen to people?

You ever listen to what

People really sound like?

The other day i was

In some whatever coffee--

I don't know,

You can only be in six places.

Whichever one i was in.

And i'm listening to just fat

White people talk to each other.

These two fat white guys

Behind me.

One of 'em is like...

[Mumbling, slurring]

And his friend's like,

"I know, it's...

[Mumbling, slurring]

...Obama."

These two women are talking.

One of them's like...

[Higher-pitched mumbling,

Slurring]

"I know, it's..."

[Higher-pitched mumbling,

Slurring]

"...Stephanie."

Anyway, i was listening

To the two guys,

And one of 'em used a word

That really pissed me off,

Because it was how he used it.

He used the word

"Hilarious."

That's one of those words

That we use--

That we don't care

What it means.

We go right for the top shelf

With our words now.

We don't think about

How we talk.

We just say the--

Right to the f***ing just--

"Dude, it was amazing.

It was amazing."

Ireally?

You were amazed?

You were amazed by

A basket of chicken wings?

Really?

Amazing.

What are you gonna--

What are you gonna do

With the rest of your life now?

What if something

Really happens to you?

What if Jesus comes down

From the sky

And makes love to you

All night long,

And leaves the new,

Living lord in your belly?

What are you gonna call that?

You used "amazing"

On a basket of chicken wings.

You've limited yourself verbally

To a sh*t life.

All these words we use.

"Genius."

That's--

You can--anybody

Can be a genius now.

It used to be

You had to have a thought

No one ever had before,

Or you had to invent a number.

Now it's like, "hey, i got a cup

In case we need another cup."

"Dude, you're a genius."

So these guys,

They used "hilarious."

And i remember

The context exactly,

Because i had

The hate recorder

Running in

The back of my head.

I was just standing there

F***ing angry.

I'm listening to 'em.

One guy says to the other guy,

He goes, uh,

"Hey, dude, so, uh...

[Breathes heavily]

So guess who i saw today."

And his friend goes,

"Who?"

I swear to God

That's how he said it.

It just slid out.

Just "who?"

I was like,

"Tighten your lips up, man.

Make an effort."

"Who."

That's how a person talks.

This guy,

He's just secreting words

Out of the front of his head.

"Who?"

[Sputtering, slurring]

So his friend goes,

"I saw Lisa today."

And he goes,

"That's hilarious."

How the f***

Is that hilarious?

That you saw Lisa.

Is Lisa a poodle

On her hind legs?

How is that hilarious?

Was she standing next to

Jerry Lewis when he was younger?

How the f***

Is that hilarious?

Do you know

What "hilarious" means?

"Hilarious" means so funny

That you almost went insane

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