Louis C.K.: Hilarious Page #6

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When you heard that sh--

It's just so funny

That it almost ruined your life.

You're homeless now because

You can't cope or reason anymore

Because that hilarious thing

Just shattered your mind,

And three months later you got

Sh*t and leaves in your hair,

And you're drenched

In pee in the gutter.

That's how funny

"Hilarious" is.

I don't know

This Lisa c*nt,

But she ain't that funny.

There's just no way.

She's that funny on sight?

F*** her.

Seriously.

I hope she's dead.

I really do.

I hate her.

I hope she died today.

Weirdly and horribly.

I hope the person

She loved most

Pushed her off a cliff,

And she was just falling and

Screaming the whole way down,

Never accepting it.

And then Superman

swooped her up

And then dropped her

from higher.

[Laughter and applause]

I seriously hope

That happened...

To stupid Lisa.

With her one tit

bigger than the other,

And her f***ing frizzy hair,

And her...

Her big nose.

F***ing Jew.

[Laughter]

What am i doing?

I've lost my mind.

"Jew" is a funny word,

Because--

It is.

Because "Jew" is the only word

That is the polite thing

to call a group of people

And the slur

for the same group.

Most groups

have a good and a bad--

Theirs, the same word,

Just with a little stank on it,

And it becomes a terrible

Thing to call a person.

'Cause you can say.

"He's a Jew." It's fine.

Ibut "he's a Jew."

Like, that's all it takes.

I wish the president

Would slip one into a speech

That's just on the border,

Just to f***

With people's heads.

Just in the middle,

You know.

"We all got to get along

In this country.

"We need everybody.

I"blacks and whites

And christians and Jews,

And let's just try to..."

Hmm.

I don't...

Can't call him on it,

But that seemed inappropriate.

F***ing Lisa.

F***ing Lisa, man.

It's just--

It didn't deserve that.

The story didn't deserve--

Here's what he should have said.

This is what

That story deserved.

It should have been like,

"I saw Lisa today."

The other guy should have said,

"That happened."

That's it.

That's all it deserved.

He should have said,

"That happened,"

And then they just

Should have started making out.

I don't know why i wanted that.

I just wanted these

Two old fat guys

To just start blowing

Each other on the floor.

Not even gay blowing.

Just awkward,

Heterosexual sucking,

That they don't know

What they're doing.

And they don't even get hard

Partway through.

They're just sucking

Each other's soft penises.

And they're both crying,

'Cause they're embarrassed

And confused.

Now that would be hilarious.

Then you would have a story

That you could call hilarious

Without being accused

of hyperbole.

It's amazing, the stories that

People think are interesting.

And that's always one of 'em,

Is when your friend ran

Into somebody from their past,

And they can't

Wait to tell you.

And first they want

To tell you for 40 minutes

How blown away you're gonna be

That they saw this person.

"Dude, you're not gonna believe

Who i saw today."

Yes, i am.

Course i am.

Don't even tell me.

I don't care.

"No. No, dude.

"Dude!

"When you find out--

Holy sh*t!

"When you find out who i saw,

"You are gonna sh*t in your

Father's mouth when i tell you.

"I'm serious!

"When i tell you who i saw,

"You are gonna

Kill, f***, and eat

"Four mexican retarded kids

When i tell you who i saw today.

"I'm s--you're gonna do that.

"I'm serious

That you're gonna do that.

"You're not gonna--

"You're just gonna

Rip out your a**hole

"And throw it on the wall.

"It's gonna stick there,

"And you're gonna

Dive through it

Into another dimension."

[Laughs]

Tell you who i saw today.

Anyway, i don't know

Why i'm such an a**hole.

I really am.

I have--i'm grumpy.

I don't--i get impatient

With people quickly, you know?

I just get tired of--

When people are boring,

I want to kill them, you know,

And that's not fair.

I used to like people more,

But now i have children,

And that changes your life.

It changes your life

In a lot of ways.

Like, you spend

A lot of time with people

You never would have chosen

To spend time with.

Not in a million years.

I spend whole days

With people i'm like,

"I never would have

Hung out with you."

I didn't choose you.

Our children chose each other

Based on no criteria,

By the way.

They're the same size.

They don't give a sh*t

Who they make me

Hang out with.

My daughter had

A playdate the other day.

This kid comes over,

And his father brings him,

And his father

Brings his f***ing face

Into my house.

And i have to ask it questions

For an hour and a half.

"Ugh. What do you do?

I don't care.

"God damn it.

"What other sh*t

Are you passing on

"To that little f*ggot

You brought over here

"To play with my kid?

"I don't--i hate your son.

"I hate him.

He smells."

Gets too close

When he talks.

"Can i have raisins?"

Yes, you can have--

Just...Stand...

Dude, i'm not--

You're not mine.

I don't love you.

Do you understand?

I don't have any--no love.

None.

I don't even have an instinct

To protect you.

I don't care if you die.

I seriously--i won't

Feel anything if you die.

I'll have to pretend.

For your dad.

I like kids.

Parents, i'm not crazy about.

Most parents--

Like, this whole country,

Our thing is the children.

We have to do it all

For the children.

And, meanwhile,

Nobody gives a sh*t

About how

They raise their kids.

People put minimal effort

Into it.

They have--their kids--

They're, like,

Consumers of their kids.

Like, they want to call

Customer service.

"Why does he play

Video games all day?

I don't understand

Why he plays video--"

Maybe 'cause you bought him

A f***ing video game,

You idiot.

Throw it a--

Throw it away!

Who told you

That was a good idea?

A developing mind.

[Grunts]

F***ing idiots.

My kids don't even

Watch television.

And when i tell

Most other parents that,

You know what they say?

They go,

"Aw, f*** you."

Why?

"Just 'cause f*** you.

"F***ing hippie weirdo.

"They're gonna

Grow up weirdos.

"'Cause they don't watch

Just f***ing anger and colors

Screaming in their face."

[Screams]

If your kids watch tv,

Here's what you should do.

Just--if you think

That's really a good idea

To have 'em watch tv,

Next time your kid's

Watching television,

Just come up behind them when

They don't know you're there,

And just turn it off

Without any warning.

Just go--pfft.

Watch what happens.

They go--

[Screams]

Do you think

That's a good sign?

You think it's a sign

That it's healthy for them?

That when it's taken away

They go--

[Mutters]

Because you've created

Such a high bar of stimulus

That nothing competes.

A beautiful day is sh*t

To a child now.

A gorgeous, panoramic day

With hawks catching f***ing mice

And flying away

And bears with f***ing fish

In their teeth.

And the kid's like,

"I want to watch the television!

This is nothing!"

That's what's wrong

With our kids.

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