Louis C.K.: Hilarious Page #7

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They can't just stand

And be a person without--

Baa! Blah!

And then the food--

We feed them food

That tastes like insanity.

It's insanity, our food.

Do you under--you should

To be able to give a kid

An apple, and they go,

"Oh, thank you.

I love apples."

Kids can't even taste--

Apples are like paper to them.

Because we fill 'em,

We force them to eat--

People force their kids

To eat fast food.

I was in this hamburger--

This woman's, like, just

Shoving french fries in the--

"Eat it!"

The kid's, like,

"Mom, it's salty. It hurts.

I can't eat anymore."

"Shut up.

Have a soda."

We give them msg,

Sugar, and caffeine,

And, weirdly,

They react to those chemicals.

And so they yell, "aah."

And then we hit them.

What f***ing chance

Does a kid have?

We pump the stuff in there.

"Aah!"

"Shut up!

"Stop it.

Why are you like this?"

"'Cause i haven't had actual

Nutrition in eight years, mom.

"I'm dehydrated.

"Give me water.

"Pepsi's not water,

You c*nt.

"Give me a glass of water.

"I'm dying.

I have sores on my tongue

All the time."

"And stop hitting me.

"You're huge.

"How could you hit me?

That's crazy.

You're a giant,

And i can't defend myself."

I really think it's crazy

That we hit our kids.

It really is--here's the crazy

Part about it.

Kids are the only people

In the world

That you're allowed to hit.

Do you realize that?

They're the most vulnerable,

And they're the most destroyed

By being hit,

But it's totally

Okay to hit them.

And they're the only ones.

If you hit a dog,

They f***ing will put you

In jail for that sh*t.

You can't hit a person

Unless you can prove that

They were trying to kill you.

But a little, tiny person

With a head this big

Who trusts you implicitly,

F*** 'em.

Who gives a sh*t?

Just f***ing--

Let's all hit them.

People want you

To hit your kid.

If your kid's making noise,

They'll be like,

"Hit him! Hit him!

"Hit him!

[Growls]

Hit him!"

That's right.

We're proud of it.

We tell--

"I hit my kids."

That's what people say

All the time.

"You're damn right

I hit my kids."

"Why--why do you hit them?"

"'Cause they were doing a thing

I didn't like at the moment,

"And so i hit them,

And guess what?

They didn't do it after that."

Well, that wouldn't be taking

The f***ing easy way out,

Would it?

How about talking to 'em

For a second,

You f***ing retard?

How do you f--

How is that--

How is that the--

What are you, an idiot?

What are you?

A f***ing ape?

"Well, i don't--

It's a pain in the ass."

Well, you f***ed a woman,

And a f***ing baby

Came out of her vagina.

Now you be patient.

It's not their fault.

"Well, i'm teaching 'em

That you hit things."

"It's learning the world.

"You hit him,

And he'll know...

"That i'm stronger than him,

"That it hurts when my hand

Hits his face.

"He'll know.

"He'll get some wisdom

Out of that.

Raising 'em right."

God damn it.

Look, though,

Let me say this.

If you have kids

And you do hit your kids,

I totally get it.

I'm not judging.

Let me just explain.

I get it.

Because my mom hit me.

She hit me all the time.

I don't hit my kids.

I'm not better than my mom.

It's 'cause she was poor

And i have money.

That's really all it is.

It really is.

My mom works really hard.

She was a single mom.

She'd come home all

Bent over after 15 hours.

I'd be like, "mommy,

Nyah nyah nyah."

"Shut up!"

I totally get that.

I work two hours a week

Sometimes,

So it's not really fair,

And i know that.

I know there's moments

When you just f***ing--

I mean, they're--

Being a parent means you have

Your back up against the wall

All the time,

Because it's the only job

You can't quit.

It's the only job

Where you can't just go--

Just put your wrench

Down and go,

"F*** it, guys.

I'm leaving.

"I don't even

Want my last check.

I'm going home."

Anyway, i got two.

And the seven-year-old,

She's no trouble now.

That kid's amazing.

She's better than me.

She's smarter than me.

She's more decent.

She's cleaner.

Like, she comes out

of her room all dressed

With a little bow.

She's like, "hi.

Good morning, daddy."

And i'm in my underwear,

Like, "uh, hi."

I keep trying

Not to screw her up,

Because she's headed

For a great life

Unless i f*** it up.

That's basically

What's going on.

I'm not--i'm not

A father anymore.

I'm just a fat landlord.

I don't really matter.

Like, the other day, she was

Asking me all these questions.

And i totally hear--

She's asking me stuff,

And i'm just trying to tell her

What i know to be the truth.

But you can't just do that.

There's some sh*t

That's true

That you can't tell your kids

When they're certain ages.

I know that sounds simple,

But you don't know all the time

Until you f*** up.

I'm talking to her,

And she goes,

"Daddy, does the earth

Go around the sun?"

And i was like, "yeah."

She goes, "does it do it

All the time?"

And i go, "yeah."

She says, "will the earth always

Go around the sun forever?"

And i was like,

"Well, no, at some point,

The sun's gonna explode."

She's seven years old.

Do you understand

How horrible that is?

She started crying

Immediately.

Crying bitter tears

For the death of all humanity.

And here's how

I tried to save it.

I go, "oh, honey,

This isn't gonna happen

"Until you

And everybody you know

Has been dead

For a very long time."

She didn't know

Any of those things,

And now she knows

All of those things.

She's gonna die.

Everybody she knows

Is gonna die.

They're gonna be dead

For a very long time,

And then the sun's

gonna explode.

She learned all that

In 12 seconds

At the age of seven.

She took it pretty well.

I was proud of her.

She's like, "oh. Dude."

[Breathes heavily]

"Okay, well...

I guess i'll go play.

I don't..."

She's had a tough year,

That kid.

I feel really bad.

Lot of bad things

Happened to her this year.

This summer,

She got bit by a pony.

I'm not kidding.

A pony bit her.

How do you more break

A little girl's heart?

Than a pony bi--

That's like being raped

By Santa Claus.

It was the worst thing

That ever happened,

And it was made worse

By the fact

That it followed the greatest

Moment of her life,

Because she'd never

Seen a pony up close.

We just never were f***ing--

Shitty parents.

We never gave her,

Like, a pony ride.

And last summer

I took the kids to Italy.

I took my girls to Italy

For whatever reason.

I don't know why.

And we're in this farmhouse

In the middle of nowhere.

And i put 'em to bed,

And i come outside,

And there's ponies.

They just showed up

Out of nowhere.

Just wild ponies.

Like 50 ponies.

I'm not f***ing with you.

A huge amount of ponies.

And one donkey.

I don't know why.

There was one donkey

Hanging out with the ponies.

And they're just la--

And i'm like--

[Gasps]

And i run downstairs,

And i wake her up.

The little one, f*** her.

She's not making memories.

Who cares?

It's not worth it.

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