Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store

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1

One of my hobbies

is I collect dust.

Are you from this country?

I go around town

slashing tire prices.

Do you get that?

Do you know that Christmas song

"Do You Hear What I Hear?"

Do you?

You stopped laughing.

You stopped laughing, sir.

You got the idea,

there are no jokes.

There's a kind of hush

all over this room.

I'm addicted to

prescription glasses.

And "20/20" wants to do

my life story.

It gets wor-

A four-year-old wrote this.

Thank you.

No, I'm not leaving yet,

hold on.

This is my stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

I heard great things

about my real ladder,

that he supported three people

at one time.

Last I heard, he's one-

I f***ed that up, too.

The last I heard, he was in

a 12-step program.

It really didn't matter.

Oh, thank you.

Anyway, I've had a lovely-

That's it for me, thank you very

much, thank you very much.

Anyway, with that,

I'm gonna bring up the man.

Do you know the man?

Mister who?

Mr. Louie-who, what?

Mr. Louis Prima? No.

Mr. Louis Armstrong? No.

Mr. Louis C.K.!

Here he is.

Thank you.

Oh.

Oh, my God, you guys.

Oh, my God, thank you.

This-

You guys...

You guys are great, thank you.

This is what I talk like now,

just so you know.

I'm gonna do

the whole show like this.

A really-a very offensive

stereotype...

...of a Mexican.

This is...

This is a Mexican at the border.

Just let me in!

Jesus!

He won't let me-

You guys are d*cks

in there, anyways!

F*** you, America!

Was that too high up,

do you think?

That's why I like-

I always like to stand

just a little bit wrong,

you know?

Just for my own entertainment,

instead of standing like this,

just put it a little bit up

here, just so people are like-

I don't know why

that bothers me.

Especially if I'm somewhere

I don't like being, like CVS.

You know, I hate CVS.

But sometimes

you gotta go in there.

That should be

their slogan, CVS.

Sometimes

you gotta come in here."

Where else you gonna get

your wart Band-Aids

and that stuff

for your dry vaginer?

Dry vaginer.

I used to think

it was called a "vaginer."

I did, because I grew up

in Boston and the-

I don't know

if you are familiar with-

People call it

the Boston accent.

It's not an accent.

It's a whole city of people

saying most words wrong.

It's just a stupidity

in a massive region.

Because my teachers,

they teach you

to talk like that.

My teacher-I had a teacher

named Miss Daugherty,

but she thought

her name was Mrs. Darrity.

She mispronounced her own name.

Mrs. Darrity!

And she'd give us sex-ed-

This was fifth grade.

We had sex ed with Mrs. Darrity,

and she's showing us

the diagram, she's like,

"This is a penis.

"And this is a vaginer.

"Now, during intercourse,

the man ejaculates sperm...

"... up into the vaginer.

"And then later,

"a f***ing baby...

"... comes out of the vaginer.

And sometimes it's 'retahded. '"

This was the '70s.

A teacher said "retahded"

in Boston in the '70s.

"My daughter's retahded."

She used to tell us every day.

"I have a daughter

and she's mentally retahded.

"She's 35 and she lives

in my house.

"She better be f***ing retahded.

I'm gonna stick her back up

in my vaginer."

So I thought it was called

a vaginer 'til I was, like, 25.

And I remember thinking

it was, like-

It's a vaginer, it's a-

Like, a thing

that vagines, you know?

Like, you use it to vagine-

I gotta vagine my driveway.

I don't know.

I just gotta vagine

this new table I just made.

That would make a nice table,

like, you make a new table

and then you take the-

the 80-grit paper

and you sand it, and then 120,

and then you go, "All right,

honey, get up there,"

and she just...

Like, an old-

Like, one of those

Danish tables, or like a...

Ooh.

Nice old Italian table.

"This table is-a very smooth

"because, eh, my wife

have a very juicy p*ssy

"and she vagine the table

and my family,

we do this

for generations, we vagine."

All right.

So I'm 47 now, and, uh...

Yeah, I know, that's about

what it's worth.

That's what it-

That's what that deserves.

"Woo."

"Woo."

"Woo!"

Yeah, 47 doesn't

buy you anything.

18, you can vote,

21, you can drink,

and 47, you can just-

Just keep doing whatever.

Just do...

Just keep being out of breath.

One good thing is that

I've let go of any dream

of getting in great shape,

like, it's like a relief.

Just 'cause-

My whole life I've been like,

well, someday, I should

really get in great shape.

Now, I'm like, what?

Why would I do that?

That's not gonna happen.

Just-

To me, the bar,

the level I wanna reach

as far as the shape I'm in,

I just want it to be

so that if you find out

that I died,

you ask "What happened?"

That's all.

I want you to wonder

what happened.

I don't want it to be

like, "Oh, he died?"

Oh, yeah, well, sure.

Sure he did.

Sure he did.

This'd be bigger news to you-

Did you hear

Louie's still alive?

Sh*t.

Oh, really?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, how?

How?

Some things change

when you get older.

Like, I've reallocated some

of the noises that I make.

Like, the noise

I used to make when I come

is now the noise I make

when I pee.

Oh... oh...

Oh...

Ah...

Ahhh...

Take it all, b*tch.

Very disrespectful

to my toilet, unfortunately.

Yeah, you like that piss,

don't you?

B*tch!

I'm gonna sh*t in your mouth,

too, 'cause you ain't nothing

but a sh*t-eatin',

piss-drinkin' toilet!

Dumb b*tch, toilet!

You ain't intelligent.

You ain't even been outside.

You sit there waiting for me

to sh*t in your face.

Got piss on your lips.

You ain't even special.

I pissed in three toilets today.

You ain't sh*t.

That's terrible.

That's awful.

But that's how my dad

treated his toilet,

so that's where I learned it.

It's a shame.

So that's the noise

I make when I pee.

And, uh, some of you

might be wondering-

None of you are wondering...

...what noise do I make

when I come.

So this is the noise

I make when I come.

I just go...

It is done!

It's a whole thing with clouds

and lightning and crows.

The circle is complete!

It's kind of intense.

And there's a little witch

with white eyes going,

"And a child will be born!"

I don't know.

One time I was

having sex with a woman,

it was our first time

having sex.

Also turned out to be

our last time, but I wasn't-

Didn't know that at the-

Anyway, I was getting-

I was gonna come soon,

so I felt like talking

about it, and...

But I didn't know her very well.

So it came out weird,

I said, "Oh, I'm cooming."

She's like, "What did you say?"

'Cause I was back there.

That's why.

That's why

she had to go like this.

"What'd you say?

What was that back there, chief?

What was that?"

'Cause I'm always back there.

That's a-that's a weird thing

to brag about.

I'm always behind her.

Every time.

So they don't see me crying.

It's weird having sex

with a woman from behind

'cause you don't know

what's going on the whole time

and you get kinda paranoid.

The whole time,

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