Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store Page #2

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she might be like...

I was on the subway in New York.

This isn't another sex story.

This is a traveling story.

Are you ready?

So I'm on the subway

and I'm standing there-

I wasn't holding anything,

I just like to stand like this.

I'm standing there.

I walk around the city

like this.

Hi.

So I'm standing there and

from behind me over here,

I hear this. I hear...

And I was like, whew, okay.

It's a crazy person.

I mean, it's not a big surprise

in New York.

Then I heard it again.

I was like,

all right, I wanna see,

I wanna see the crazy person.

I just wanna take a look.

So I look over and

it's not what I expected.

It wasn't a big homeless guy

with two sets of headphones

that don't work

or anything like that.

It was a...

A young woman,

she looked like she was about 21

and she's standing there,

she's very, kinda nice-

Properly dressed.

She was very, like,

Michigan-y or something.

Very suburban-y, Michigan-y

kinda thing.

And she's standing there

with her ponytail,

and then all of a sudden,

she starts going like this,

she goes...

La-la la-la-la la-la!"

And I realize, oh,

she's, like, a student,

like, a singing music student,

and she's doing her vocal

exercises on the subway.

You know what?

It wasn't charming or nice.

It was arrogant and rude,

'cause she just had

this look like, it's-

I'm so cool, 'cause I'm studying

music in New York City

and I just do my thing

right on the subway every day.

La-la la-la-la la-la, everybody!

La-la la-la-la la-la,

tired nurse

who just did a 14-hour shift!

We live in an interesting time,

you know.

'Cause you can be

on an airplane,

you're like one

of 200 passengers.

You're on a flight

30,000 feet in the air,

and in the middle of the flight

if you just decide to do this,

you're sitting in your seat

and you just start going

like this, you go...

Maaah!

Maaah! Mahh!

If you do that and

don't stop doing it,

they will land the plane.

You can will a plane

to the ground

without a weapon or a threat.

You don't even

have to do that much,

you can just sit there and

just start going, "Down!

Down!"

Seriously, if you were

on a plane

and you just didn't

stop saying "down."

"Down!

Down!"

"Sir, is there a problem?"

"Down!

Down!"

Fighter jets will appear-

I mean, you're going

to the nearest airport.

And then I guess

you're in trouble, but...

What? They can't put you,

like, in prison

because you said

"down" several times.

They, like, bother you.

"Why'd you do it?

Are you a terrorist?

Why'd you do it?"

"I just-I just didn't want

to be up anymore.

"I just didn't like it.

"I mean, I just said the word

of the-where I wanted to be.

"You didn't have to do it.

It was just a suggestion,

Jesus Christ."

I was on a plane once and there

was two babies on the plane.

And other people,

it wasn't just...

It wasn't just me

and two babies.

That would be weird.

You get on a plane,

there's just two babies.

Come on, we're leaving soon.

He's the pilot baby.

I'm the other baby.

No, that's all right,

I'm not gonna...

You babies have a good flight,

but I'm gonna find

another way to get there.

Yeah, I don't like the way

this was starting.

Anyway, I was on a plane

and there was these two babies

and they were crying

the whole time,

crying the whole flight,

and that happens a lot.

I don't think they knew each

other, they were just crying.

I've seen this

on so many flights,

I started to wonder, is there

a reason for this?

Is there, like,

an actual reason why babies-

So I looked it up. Turns out,

there's an actual reason

why babies cry on airplanes,

and it's because they're upset

that gay people

are getting married.

Yeah.

They're, like, really upset.

Like, inconsolably upset.

Honey, it's-

The country's changing.

Waah!

And I don't agree with them.

I think if people are in love,

they should get married.

But they can't-

They can't accept that.

'Cause they're just-You know,

they're just being babies.

Babies are selfish.

They are, babies are selfish.

They just, waah!

No baby ever goes, "Waah,

but how you doing, though?"

I have two daughters and both of

them at one time were babies

and I held them

and they cried on planes.

It's happened to me,

I've had a baby on a plane.

If you're ever-

This is how selfish people are.

When you're on a plane and

you hear a baby crying,

you think that's

happening to you.

You're like, "Ugh, this is

gonna ruin my flight!

It's gonna ruin it!"

Well, look at the parent,

'cause that person is holding

a crying baby on a plane,

which means they've been

traveling with a baby all day,

which means they have

a baby, okay?

So their life isn't even good.

They don't like anything.

Their whole life is, ugh, Jesus!

If there's any joy for them,

it's that this is now

bothering other people.

"Yeah, you listen

to this sh*t now!"

Waah!

I remember one time, my baby

was crying on the plane,

she was really upset,

and this guy,

some businessman on the plane,

'cause businessmen

always think that every flight

is a private plane of theirs

that we're all, like,

piggybacking on.

And this guy has

his f***ing newspaper

and he turns around to look

at me and my baby

and he looks right at me.

He doesn't kinda, like,

go like this.

He looks at me like, hmm?

Like, could you?

I'm like, "Oh, I'm sorry,

is this bothering you?

Let me just..."

You all just clapped

for a dead baby.

You applauded a dead baby.

I have two children.

Uh, nine and 12 years old.

Both girls.

Uh, they're both gay.

Um...

I'm raising 'em gay.

Most people

raise their kids straight,

I'm just gonna raise mine gay.

Maybe they'll do what

they want later, but, uh,

as long as they're in

my house, they're gay.

I tell 'em every day,

you're gay, honey, good night.

Go to bed.

Brush your gay teeth, gay honey.

Don't forget to be gay.

Having children

is a big responsibility

and I've never really done

very well at it.

I've made a lot of mistakes.

Some of them big, some of them

small, you know?

Like, I'm still a person,

I still am an idiot, you know,

still, like, I-

I got high one night,

I got really high, because

I don't do drugs.

I never do drugs, never.

So that when I do...

...they're way more fun.

To me, that's my best advice

about drugs.

If you want to enjoy drugs,

never do them, never.

Because then when you do,

they're actually fun.

'Cause when drugs

are a part of your life,

they're just another pain

in the ass in your life.

It's just a, ugh, my drugs suck.

I don't want to have

that problem.

I always want to be that person

where it's a new thing,

somebody's like,

hey, you wanna try this?

And I'm like, oh!

I don't know if I should.

This is crazy.

I don't even know

how I'm gonna do it.

I mean, what is this?

Anyway, I got-

My friend had the little vape-

I'm a little worried, honestly,

by the young people

with the vaping

and they just do this

and then they just vape.

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