Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store Page #3

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And they just stand

on the corner and puff

and look at the f***ing thing

and I miss-I miss you.

That's what it is,

I miss you people,

'cause you used

to stand around like this

and I get to go,

"I'd f*** that one,

and that one's okay,"

but now I don't even-

I'm just looking at the top

of people's heads now.

But I didn't realize

how, like, my friend-

I have a younger friend

who vapes

and she told me it's just

to kinda, like, calm her.

She's like, I barely feel it,

you know.

Sometimes it helps me sleep.

So one night, we're hanging out

and I'm like, I'm gonna go home

and go to sleep,

but I mean, I'll just try it,

so I took one little tiny hit.

I was insane,

I was completely insane.

I was in my house, I couldn't

even walk past a window,

I had to go under the windows,

'cause I was afraid of

the inside of my own brain.

So I started texting people,

just being-

Just texting, "I'm so high.

I'm so f***ing high.

I'm so high," and I texted,

you know, another friend.

"I'm so high I want to suck

the pot jizz out of my own dick

and get higher."

That's what I wrote.

I'm not bragging, I'm just

telling you that's what I wrote.

And I sent it.

And then later, I looked

at my text and I was, like,

I think I might have sent that

to my 12-year-old daughter.

I think it's possible.

And I didn't,

but I too easily could've.

We need-Now my kids

are in my phone.

There needs to be

some very reliable firewall

that says, these numbers

are much harder to text,

that you can't just, whoops!

Traumatized her irreversibly!

That you can go, like,

to write to these numbers,

I have to solve the Hellraiser

puzzle and I have to...

There's two guys with the keys

in the opposite room

that turn them

at the same moment

and there's a warning.

"Are you sure you want

to send this picture

"of your pubic hair

to your ex-wife's mother?"

That's how you want

to break the silence

of six years since the divorce.

"This is my pubic hair.

"Look at all of my pubic hair.

How have you been?"

I try to be a good dad,

but, you know, like-

life just kinda takes off

and kids start, you know,

they got their own ideas

and they're-

My nine-year-old, she's just

figuring out about lying

and that's a tough thing.

It's hard to roll that one back,

because lying is pretty

amazingly useful in life.

It's like, how do you tell a kid

not to use a thing

that just solves every

possible problem, like magic?

How do you...

'Cause that's why-Kids lie

'cause they're in trouble.

They lie 'cause they're in more

trouble than they can take,

you know?

'Cause kids...

Nine-year-old, when

a nine-year-old lies,

it's not for some weird

Machiavellian, you know...

"Do you know what my teacher

said about you?

It was interesting."

They don't just make sh*t up.

They lie because

they're in trouble

and it's more than they can-

'Cause trouble

is too much for a kid.

Trouble-For grown-ups,

we can take trouble.

We don't care.

We just go, oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, am I in trouble?

Oh, whoops!

We don't care.

But to a little kid, trouble is

like this horrible...

Did you take the chocolate?

And she did and she doesn't know

how to handle it.

Did you-

Did you take it?

"No."

Well, all right, then,

have a nice day.

How do you then tell her,

yeah, don't ever apply

that perfect solution again,

to terrifying things.

Mark Twain once said, "A man

who always tells the truth

doesn't have to remember

what he said."

And that's great.

But Mark Twain also said,

"There once was a big black guy

named N*gger Jim."

So...

I don't know if...

...a hundred percent

of the things he said

were perfectly awesome.

Really, Mark? N*gger Jim,

you're gonna go with?

That's the best you can do,

to name the-

It's got kind of a nice ring

to it, N*gger Jim.

Yeah, well, it's a little

on the nose, isn't it?

Could've called him Black Mike,

I mean, just a little...

Take it down one notch of the...

Thanks for that, Mark.

Anyway.

So, while we're in this area...

Now that I know

you guys are cool.

No, no.

No.

No. Um...

No, no.

But, uh-but, uh...

but... but...

This is a story

that takes place-

I'm gonna tell you this story,

it's kind of a messy story.

It takes place over a lot

of years, 'cause it start-

It started with my friend Mike,

who told me this story.

This happened to him

back in the '90s.

He was going home for Christmas

and he lives in Connecticut-

He grew up in Connecticut

in some shitty sh*t town

in shitty, shitty Connecticut,

and he didn't like going home.

He's one of those people.

He came from a place-

Doesn't like it anymore.

And he goes back-

He doesn't know how

to handle his family, you know,

and he came from a family

of white racists

and he doesn't like going home,

but it's still home,

so he went home

for Christmas one year

and everybody's hanging out

during the day, talking,

having lunch,

and his father and his brother

both work at this factory

and his brother's grousing

about his day at work

and he goes, "Yeah,

and then this f***ing n*gger

fell asleep at the forklift."

And then my friend Mike heard

that and he went, "Oh, God.

Why am I part of these people?

I hate this."

And he felt bad.

And then that night,

he's in the kitchen

and he's having a warm milk

or whatever and he...

I don't know why that's-

I don't know

why that's funny, but...

What that says about him.

Yeah, 'cause he's a p*ssy.

No.

He's just sort of having

some time to himself

and his cousin comes downstairs,

who's staying-

And his cousin,

he likes his cousin.

That's the one person

he always felt connected with,

and his cousin's like,

"What's wrong, man?"

And he says, "Well, jeez,

I come home and I hoped

"that everything would be,

you know, normal,

"but then, my brother says,

uhh, he's at the factory

and this n*gger

fell asleep at the forklift."

And his cousin goes,

"Oh, my God,

the n*gger fell asleep

at the forklift?"

So this is the first part

of the story, okay?

So Mike tells me that story

about how he's just not listened

to by anybody in his family,

and then later on, I get

a job writing on a TV show

for Cedric the Entertainer.

Great guy, and he had a show

and he hired a writing staff,

half white writers,

half black writers.

So at lunchtime, we talk

about race, it was just a-

We'd have these provocative,

interesting conversations,

trading notes about race,

the white writers

and the black writers,

and I told that story.

I told the whole thing

about the guy,

"Uhh, n*gger and the forklift,"

And then the cousin saying,

"Uhh, the n*gger

at the forklift!"

And then one of the writers,

a black writer,

he goes, "There's nothing worse

"than a n*gger falling asleep

at the forklift,

making it harder

for the rest of us."

Still, nobody is quite hearing

what my friend

was going through.

And then, about a year later,

I'm hanging out

with my friend Dino.

Dino is Greek.

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