Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store Page #4

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He has no dog in the race,

he doesn't care either way.

He's Greek. Greeks aren't

white or black, they're just-

He's just got a big nose

and he just stands there.

And I told Dino the whole story,

I told him about the guy,

"Uhh, the forklift,"

and the guy, "Uhh!"

And then the black writer-

And then Dino says, "How do

you fall asleep at a forklift?"

My oldest daughter is gonna be

13 next year, that's a big deal.

That's a big deal.

That's-

All the parents ahead of you

always go, like, yeah.

Yeah, wait 'til she...

That's when you...

I'm not afraid

of her teenagehood.

It's gonna be challenging

and difficult

and she'll meet

the challenges, you know.

I'm always proud of my kid.

She's a good kid.

Now, some parents are really

afraid of their daughters.

A lot of dads get scared, like,

I don't know what to do.

I have this friend,

his daughter's 15,

he's like, "She's gonna

start having sex!

"I don't know what to do!

She's gonna have sex,

what do I do?"

I'm like, well,

you don't do anything.

You don't have a role

in that at all.

You're her father.

No role.

Not supportive

or advisory, nothing.

"But what if she has a bad

sexual experience?"

Oh, she's gonna have

a number of those.

Oh, yes, she is.

Her whole life

is gonna be just walking

through a blizzard of bad d*cks,

just...

Ow!

D*cks, just-

Jesus.

What the f***?

That was a big one.

Holy f***, I'm just

trying to get to work.

The little one,

the nine-year-old,

life's a little simpler.

Tap dancing, she takes

tap dancing lessons.

We started her with tap dancing,

because we figure

by the time she grows up,

it'll be the 1930s again,

and, uh, yeah.

She'll have this thing

she can do

that nobody enjoys watching.

Do you know who the audience is

for tap dancing?

The parents of

tap dancing students.

That's all of it.

'Cause we all have

to go to the show

at the end of

the tap dancing semester,

and they have a big theater show

and all the kids get up there,

they all tap dance

in groups of threes.

There's about 6,000 kids.

They do about 20 minutes each.

So the show's about

seven months long,

and everybody dies at the end.

But you go because you want

to see your kid tap dance,

'cause that's an amazing thing,

'cause this was a baby,

she was just a baby.

She was just like...

That's it.

And now she's going like this.

It's amazing.

But you gotta watch

all those other kids

that you don't love at all.

And you gotta watch people,

grown-ups do it.

There's grown-up-

Adult students,

and they get up there.

Get off!

Nobody's here to see you!

Nobody!

Your parents are dead,

you're 52!

Nobody came from work.

Nobody came from work.

I take her every-every

Thursday to tap dancing

and we go up to the school and

she puts on her tap shoes

and she goes in the little room.

I don't go in there, and she

tap dances and I wait outside,

because it's 40 minutes, it's

not enough time to go anywhere.

So I just sit there and listen

to...

And then she comes out.

"I don't-I'm tired of this.

I don't want to go anymore."

Good, don't.

I don't want to bring you.

Quit. Quit.

I don't care.

I don't push my kids

into this sh*t.

'Cause you gotta do it, too.

I don't wanna do it.

"Daddy, I'm tired of soccer."

Soccer is out of our lives

forever,

with those words

from thine mouth.

Soccer is gone.

I don't care-

Don't go to school,

I don't want to get up at 7:00.

Don't do any of this sh*t,

honey. I don't care.

I have money, just eat

the food in the house.

Stay home and eat.

You and your sister,

don't have kids,

I can cover all of us

and then we all die.

That's my goal.

I want to make enough money

that we can just lock the door

and eat the food.

That's it.

"Daddy, what are we

doing today?"

Go to the food room and pick

something out and go to bed.

That's all

that's required of you.

People-People overthink

this life sh*t.

People get all knotted up.

"I don't know what to do

with my life.

"Like, I don't know, like,

what I should be, or, like...

"I don't know, it's like...

What should I, like, do?

With my-

With, like, my life?"

Just get food

and put it in the-

Put food in here.

That's it.

Put food in here.

Walk around and look for food.

And anytime you see

any food, put it in here.

Just take it and put it in here.

Later, when you feel pressure,

sh*t out the sh*t in there.

That's it.

If anybody tries to stop you

from doing either of those,

murder them.

That's it.

Doesn't have to be

any more complicated.

Do it 'til you're died-

'til you're dead.

'Til you're dead, died, dead.

I don't know how long

I'm gonna live, I have no idea.

You don't really ever get

to find out.

You never get to go,

okay, I'm dead, so, 80.

You don't ever get

to have that thought.

"This is it. " You get to go,

"This is probably it."

That's your last thought.

"This is probably it

right here."

Yeah, well, we're all

gonna die at some point.

It's true, man.

And you find out at some point-

It's an interesting thing

about human beings,

that we live with the knowledge

that we're gonna die.

I found out when I was seven

that everybody dies.

My grandfather told me.

He said, "Everybody dies!"

I wasn't even talking to him.

I was just trying

to blow out the candles.

And I was seven years old when

I found out that everybody dies.

And I was excited,

not 'cause everybody dies,

but 'cause I knew it.

I was excited 'cause I knew

I was young to know

that everybody dies.

I knew that most of my friends

didn't know and I thought,

I'm gonna tell them.

I want to be the one

that tells everybody.

I especially

wanted to tell Benjy,

this kid across the street

from me.

There was this kid Benjy,

he lived-I didn't-

He wasn't my friend.

I was seven and he was six,

but if I ever came out

in my front yard,

he would come out

and I'd be like, ugh,

here he comes.

Just hated him.

Hated him.

First person I ever hated.

Like, visceral hate.

He was-

To me, he was a piece of sh*t

cocksucker a**hole.

That's what he was to me,

and I didn't even know

any of those words.

I just had that,

like, as a raw feeling

with no way to say it.

I was too young

for the feeling that I had,

and then somebody-

I heard somebody say

"piece of sh*t cocksucker

a**hole," I was like,

that, yes, thank you.

That's what that-

Yes, that's how-Yes.

Anyway, one day

I was in my front yard

and piece of sh*t Benjy

comes across.

And he says, "I got a new bike,"

or something like that.

And I was like, uh,

"You're gonna die someday."

And he was like,

"What? No, I'm not."

I said, "Yes, you are.

"Everybody dies.

"You're gonna die

and your mom's gonna die

"and your daddy's gonna die.

In that order."

He was really upset

and he starts running.

It's still funny to me,

it still makes me laugh,

40 years later.

I can still see it so clearly

and it still makes me laugh.

Run, Benjy!

You can't run

from this sh*t, b*tch.

It's gonna get you.

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