Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store Page #5

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I wonder if he's dead.

Anyway.

So he came back with his mom,

his mom is so angry,

and then I was scared.

And his mom came over,

"What did you say to him?"

And I said, "I just told him

that everybody dies."

And she goes, "Well,

that's not necessarily true."

I was like, "What?"

She says, "Well, some people

die, but not everybody does."

And I was so full of questions.

I was like, what about-

What about Abraham Lincoln and

George Washington, they're dead.

But she said, "Yeah,

"that's 'cause something

happened to them.

"George Washington

didn't take care of himself

"and Lincoln got shot,

but there's a lot of people

alive from those days."

And I was like, really?

What about, like, Bible people?

And she's like, "Yeah, I-

We have to go."

And then she left,

'cause I think she realized,

this is only gonna get worse.

She's not on a good side

of this argument.

And then I went to my mom

and I told her the whole thing,

she's like, don't worry,

that lady's a f***ing idiot,

don't listen to her.

My mom said, "Don't worry, baby,

you're definitely going to die."

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

People from the Bible.

I wonder if people in the Bible

knew they were gonna be

in the Bible.

Like, "You guys, this is totally

gonna be in the Bible.

"This is totally-You guys,

"we're gonna get in the Bible,

everybody.

I gotta get my roots done

so I look good for the Bible."

Yeah, my dog died recently.

I had to tell the kids

that the dog is dead.

That's a tough thing, telling

your kids that the dog died.

You gotta tell 'em

at some point.

You can't just keep going,

What? No, he's-Where'd he go?

Oh, look, there he goes.

I don't know, he's-

That little scamp.

There he goes, go get 'em.

Go get 'em!

Told my kids the dog died

and we dealt with it.

And I was proud of them

how they expressed

their feelings about it.

They cried.

I was proud of them

how they dealt

with their feelings

and what they said about

it and how they processed it

and I realized, this was

a positive thing.

That's how you start thinking

as a parent,

a lot of things you don't think

would be positive really are,

'cause-'cause a dog dying

is an opportunity

to deal with death

with your kids.

It's like a dry run for Grandma.

It is, it is.

Dog dies, you talk about it,

you deal with it.

Later on, you go, so, you know

all that stuff we talked about?

About the dog?

Yeah, so, Grandma now.

Mm-hmm.

All the same stuff.

That's right.

All right, go brush your teeth.

I had a dog when I was a kid

and he hated me,

and it really hurt.

It's a true story,

my dog hated me and I-

I wanted a dog so bad,

I was, like, ten years old,

I used to beg my mother

for a dog

and she just would say,

like, you had one

when you were a baby

and it died, it's fine.

But finally, she said,

you can have a dog

if you keep your room clean

for a month.

And I was so excited, 'cause

I was, like, I'm getting a dog.

I told all my friends,

I'm gonna get a dog.

All I have to do is keep my room

clean for a month.

I lasted about a week

and it just went to sh*t.

I couldn't do it and then

I tried, like, three, four days,

I couldn't do it.

And I got so depressed.

I was like, I'm ten

and I already know

my life is gonna be sh*t

'cause I can't do anything.

And finally, my mom

was like, just-

We'll get the dog, you're

bumming everybody out.

So she got us a dog.

And the dog looked at me

and he hated me, on sight.

And I worked hard

to take care of this dog.

I was kind to him and he

still hated me, which hurt.

That's why it hurt.

'Cause he must've just hated,

like, who I am inside.

He-You could tell how he felt,

'cause he was very expressive.

He was a terrier, you know,

so he had eyebrows.

Like, I'd walk in the room

and he'd go, like,

oh, f***, I can't.

And he would just leave!

I would take him for a walk

and I had to use a leash

and I didn't want

to use a leash.

I wanted to be one of those

cool guys with a dog

that just comes along,

you know one of those guys.

He's always got, like, a suede

jacket with patches in it.

And, like, scratchy hair,

he's like, hey.

And he gets in his old pickup

and he's like, come on, dog.

He goes, like-

You know those guys that can

whistle that cool whistle?

Whatever.

Whew!

And the dog jumps in the back

and they both get laid somewhere

because they're both so cool.

That's what I wanted.

But my dog, we'd go for a walk

and the leash was, like, taut,

like this, it wasn't even like,

yeah, we're friends.

It was like, how far from

this kid can I get my face?

He would be choking himself

the whole-

"I hate you!

I hate you!"

And if I ever, like, slipped

and dropped the leash, he-

He was like, I'm not your dog.

He would just run.

He would run like a slave,

he would just take off.

That's how he ran.

It's an apt description.

That's how he ran.

He didn't run like a deer.

This is how a deer...

He ran like this.

He ran away so many times

and then we'd get a call

from the pound.

"Hi, we have your dog."

And you could hear my dog

in the background,

like, "Don't-

"Seriously?

I told you I don't wanna..."

I've never been

a big animal person.

Some animals I hate.

Uh, bats, I think bats

are just disgusting.

I hate bats.

I hate-It's a rat

with leather wings.

You ever seen one and

they, like, look around?

It's like, somebody, you know?

They have a face.

It's disgusting.

I hate bats.

And I'm sure there's

a whole thing of-

Oh, did you know that bats

make all the French toast

in the world, or whatever?

I don't care.

I hate them.

I had a bad bat experience.

This summer, I was, uh-

We rented a house this summer,

I got a house for me

and the kids.

My ex wife and I-

We share custody of the kids,

and so this summer, I had half-

One month they go with her,

one month with me,

so I got a nice house

in the country

and it was beautiful,

the kids loved it,

but the kids go to sleep

at, you know, 8:
00 at night.

So I'm just laying awake,

terrified.

Terrified.

I'm so scared in the country,

'cause it's just quiet

and it's just mystery.

And trees and darkness.

I live in New York City,

I feel perfectly safe there.

I'm surrounded by murderers

and child molesters and Jews.

Sorry.

I mean, there are,

there are a lot.

There's a bunch of those, but...

So...

So one night, I'm in the country

house and I'm just laying-

just laying awake, just begging

for the f***ing sun to come up

so I can sleep through my days

with the kids.

And I'm laying awake and I'm-

My bedroom's

above the kitchen and I-

Suddenly I hear this-

I swear to God, I heard

this sound, I heard...

I heard that,

like, clear as a bell.

And immediately,

my heart is pounding.

I'm like, I'm going to have

a heart attack right now,

because there is a witch

in the kitchen.

First of all, there are witches.

I have no doubt, in that moment,

there's witches.

That's how easy it was

to flip me over.

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