Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store Page #6

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There are witches.

And there's one in the kitchen,

and I gotta go down there.

I gotta-I can't just, eh,

she'll get-

They like kids,

she'll get the kids.

So I go downstairs,

I'm terr-Terrified.

And I'm standing

outside the kitchen door

like this, for like, an hour.

Too scared to go in, until

a little bit of logic seeped in

and told me, even if

there is a witch in there,

she wouldn't just make a noise

and then just stand there

for, like, an hour.

So I go in, there's

nobody in the kitchen.

And then I hear the noise again,

and it was the dishwasher.

The dishwasher has weird tubes

and when the soap goes

through 'em, it's kind of vocal,

I don't know why, but it goes...

It was the weirdest thing,

to watch my dishwasher do it.

I was like, all right,

it's cool.

I'm fine, there's no witches.

I'm about to go upstairs,

and a-

And a bat, a f***ing a**hole bat

picked that moment-

He's like, ha ha!

And he just flew right-

right by my head, like this,

and I just-I went, "Aaah!"

And I just fell on the floor.

"Aaah!"

And I immediately,

I crawl into the closet,

I closed the door and

I called 911 right away.

I don't know if you've

ever called 911

and you don't realize

until they answer

how you shouldn't be

calling 911?

"911, tell us your emergency."

"I-I'm sorry, I'm very sorry

to be bothering you.

This doesn't qualify."

The lady's like,

"Sir, what's the problem?"

I said, "There's a bat

in my house.

And I don't like it."

But she was nice to me,

'cause it's country 911.

If you call 911

in New York City,

"there's a bat in my house!"

They'll be like, "Sir,

we'll send a car right over

to shoot you in the face."

But she was nice, she's like,

"Sir, we understand,

"you're divorced,

you're overcompensating

"with the country house.

You're in over your head."

She said, call this guy,

she gave me a number,

she said, call this guy, he's

a guy who takes care of bats.

He's a man who's, uh-

bats are his focus.

I felt like she was doing a lot

of work to not say "bat man."

Like she was kind of

going around...

"He's a male human

who bats are his...

I'm not gonna say bat-

I don't wanna say it."

So I called the bat man...

...and he comes over

and I'm in the closet looking

through the crack, at-

The bat is on the ceiling,

hanging upside down,

he's just looking around.

The most disgusting thing.

And so finally, there's

a knock at my door and I go,

I crawl to the door and

I open it and he's like, hello.

And he says, "Where's the bat?"

And I'm like, "Ehhh..."

So the guy walks over

and he just takes the bat.

That's it.

He just took it.

He's like, all right?

Yeah, you pretty much nailed it.

That's amazing.

It's like I called somebody

and said, "Help,

there's a box of tissues

on my table!"

Oh, thank goodness.

What a relief, to have

a man in the house.

Would you like some sweet tea?

I wasn't expecting company.

Ooh, my robe fell open.

He saw my breasts.

Ooh.

What do we do now?

Mr. bat man?

You know, I'm kind of grateful

to that bat now,

now that you're going

to f*** me.

You're not?

Well, all right,

you can go, then.

I can't-

I can't get out of it.

I'm sorry.

I just like to keep doing that

'til the laughter stops.

F***, he's really-

This is getting upsetting.

What if I just did that

for, like, 40 minutes?

Well, if you weren't

gonna help me,

then why did you come over?

I'm alone here all day and I

hardly can handle it anymore.

All right, all right.

So...

No, no.

No, don't do that.

Don't do that.

I was, um...

I was in New York one time,

I was on the subway platform

and I saw two rats, uh,

and they were f***ing.

And I never saw that before.

I'm like, oh, sh*t.

There's two rats

f***ing right there.

And so I watched 'em, um,

'cause you can watch rats f***.

It's not a big deal.

You don't have to go, like...

You can really just

totally just watch 'em.

Hmm, I see.

Anyway, I'm watching 'em,

I'm just curious.

I mean, it wasn't...

surprising how they do it.

It's not like she's on top

going, mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm, mm.

Thank you.

I love it, I love it.

Ooh!

I think this is a Japanese rat

I'm doing, I don't know.

"Ooh, it's so good to f*** you!

Ohh! Come on, Ricky,

do me!"

I don't know, all right.

Anyway, it wasn't

anything like that.

It was a pretty standard

rat f***.

Just, he's on top,

kinda smushing her

into the pavement

and she's like...

And I'm watching 'em, just-

I mean, I didn't, like,

miss my train.

Just, while I was there.

'Cause I was-

I was curious.

It didn't turn me on,

I was just curious.

'Cause I want to know, what is

it gonna be like when he comes.

That's what I wanted to know.

What is it like

when a rat comes?

Is it, like, uh-

Is it just a biological thing,

just a dispassionate,

kinda just, meh! And then

he just goes home?

Or is it like,

"Yeah, f***ing yeah!"

Is it like, "Aww..."

Is it, you know?

Is it ecstasy?

Is it an orgasm?

I told that story

to a friend of mine.

She was like, "Well,

what about the girl rat?

"What about her orgasm?

Why didn't you empower her

and wonder how she comes?"

What, are you crazy?

Girl rats don't come.

There's no way the girl gets

to come when rats f***.

First of all, he's not

gonna hold out for her.

He's not that kinda dude,

you can tell.

He didn't give a sh*t.

He's gonna f*** her and leave,

he doesn't even know her name.

He's not sitting there

waiting for her and trying

to think of things to not come,

like giant garbage bags with

no food in them or whatever.

And even if he did,

she's on a subway platform

in front of people.

She's not gonna be able

to get to that place,

that inside place,

that girl rats need

to find their orgasm.

'Cause I know

what girl rats need.

I know how to make

a girl rat come.

I do, you just pick 'em up and

hold 'em upside down and just...

Just to be clear,

what I was doing there...

I just want to make sure

you know.

I spit in her mouth

while I played

with her little a**hole.

Don't judge her,

that's what she likes.

I did it for her.

I was watching "The Wizard

of Oz" with my daughters and-

I know that's-

I know that's, uh-

That's a weird couple of stories

to put together.

Fingering a rat's a**hole

to orgasm

and watching "The Wizard of Oz"

with my daughters,

but they happened

to have happened

one right after the other.

Most things that I do, I do

right after I made a rat come.

That's what I do at night.

It's my-

It's the only way I try to help.

All right.

So I was...

Let me just tell you this first.

I was, uh, I was at a place to-

eating dinner in New York and

I heard these two women talking

and one of 'em is talking about

the guy she's dating.

They were about 21 years old,

like, NYU students,

and so she's talking about it

and, you know, a lot of times

I'll hear this, a woman talking

about the guy she's dating

and she runs down

the stuff that's not satisfying,

the things she doesn't like.

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