Louis C.K.: Live at the Comedy Store Page #7

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She's like, "He's just,

you know, I text him

"and he, like, he doesn't,

like, respond right away

"and then, when he does, it's

like, whatever, so that's weird.

"And then, like, I saw him

and he's just being weird.

"And so then he, like, calls me,

he's like, I'm sorry I'm weird.

"It's, like, weird, right now.

And I was like, whatever.

And then we had sex.

And it's just weird."

And then I'm listening

'cause I wanted to know,

what is her friend gonna say?

I want to know what kind of

friend she has, you know.

And her friend just says,

"He's a piece of sh*t.

"He's a piece of sh*t.

"He's not good enough for you,

'cause you're amazing.

"You're amazing.

So he just can't handle

how amazing you are."

And I remember thinking,

that is a shitty friend.

That's not a good friend.

That is not a good way

to approach life.

"I'm amazing!

"And anybody who doesn't

text me back is just-

can't handle

how amazing I am."

I mean, she's a student.

She can't be-

She's not Nelson Mandela,

she's in college.

She-I'm sure she's fine,

but you're amazing,

the way you... take classes.

What is-

What is so amazing?

She's kinda boring, he's kind of

a douche, so it's fine.

They're fine.

You need to know that

you're boring a little bit.

It's important.

Self love is a good thing,

but self awareness

is more important.

You need to, once in a while go,

oh, I'm kind of an a**hole.

You have to have

that thought once in a while,

or you're a psychopath.

You know like when you say

to a friend of yours,

"You're being an a**hole"

and they're like, "No, I'm not."

Well, it's not up to you

if you're an a**hole or not.

That's up to everybody else.

You don't get to say no to that.

"You're an a**hole."

"No, I'm not."

"Oh, sorry, I thought-

Okay, I'm glad I checked.

I guess you're not."

If somebody tells you

you're an a**hole,

you should go, "Oh, sh*t."

All right, what happened,

how did I get here?

It's like somebody saying,

you know,

"You got something

on your face. " "No, I don't."

It's like America-

I feel like America is, like,

the world's worst girlfriend.

America is like

a terrible girlfriend

to the rest of the world,

'cause when somebody

hurts America,

she remembers it forever,

but if she does anything bad,

it's like it- "What?"

"It did-

I didn't do anything."

America, why do you keep

bombing those people in Yemen

and all these-

"Well, it's 'cause 9/11, okay?

9/11, so shut up, a**holes."

Okay, but you killed

hundreds of thousands of people,

so I think you can-

"Yeah, no, but 9/11.

"F*** you.

You don't even understand."

Yeah, but you're

torturing people.

"I-It wasn't even

torture, oh, my God.

"He's such a baby.

I didn't even do anything

to him."

And...

And I'm saying this about women

'cause I'm a guy.

Women might say this about-

that this is what guys are like.

That's just what it's like,

you know,

because I think racism

and sexism are very different.

To me, racism is just a mistake.

It's like, just an error.

It doesn't really make

any sense,

we can just do away with it,

but sexism isn't going anywhere,

'cause sexism is way deep

the f*** down inside,

so it's just the way

we feel about each other.

It's, "Ahh, women!

"Women! Women!

"Women!

Women! Women!"

And you're like, "Men!

"Men, men! Men!

"Men!

"Men! Men!

Men!"

Anyway, so I'm watching "The

Wizard of Oz" with my daughters.

Is that enough of

a palate cleanser?

All right.

I'm watching "The Wizard of Oz,"

I don't know if you've seen it,

it's about a little girl

named Dorothy,

a very sweet little girl played

by an alcoholic older lady,

who, uh...

Lives in Kansas, she has a dog,

she's very upset.

And she keeps telling-

"My dog!"

And everybody's like,

This is a farm. We're working.

Leave us alone.

And then there's a tornado

and they all run inside

and they barely look for her.

It's unbelievable.

It was so upsetting to me when

I was a kid to see this movie,

'cause Auntie Em is like,

"Dorothy! Okay, f*** it."

And she just goes right inside.

Bolts the door.

Unbelievable.

So Dorothy goes up to Oz.

So here's the thing, I was

watching it the other night,

and there's this one moment

that really stunned me.

It's when Ray Bolger,

who played the Scarecrow,

he just got ripped apart

by flying monkeys

and he's very upset

and he has this performance

that's way over the top,

even for this movie.

Do you remember that moment?

The Tin Man comes over.

"What happened?"

And he's like,

"Well, first

they tore my arms off

"and they threw them over there!

And then they tore my legs off

and they threw them over there!"

And I've seen this movie

a thousand times,

but for some reason this time,

that moment made me go,

"Oh, sh*t!"

Ooh!

That was a lot.

And I started to wonder

if Victor Fleming,

the guy who directed

"The Wizard of Oz,"

if he had a moment during

the filming of the movie

where he was, like, I think

I gotta have a word with Ray,

'cause that's getting

to be a lot.

All right, let him-

Just let him do another one.

Okay, action!

"What happened?"

"Well, first they tore

my arms off

"and they threw them over there!

"And then they tore my legs off.

They threw them over there!"

Okay, cut!

Comes over.

Uh...

So listen.

Ray...

Yes?

Eh, you're fine.

You guys have been great,

thanks a lot for coming.

I hope you enjoyed it.

Thank you very much!

Thank you!

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