Louis C.K.: Shameless

PLEASE WELCOME LOUIS C.K.!

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANKS,

THAT'S VERY NICE.

HELLO, EVERYBODY.

HOW ARE YA?

WOO!

GOOD, THANKS FOR-

THANK YOU, OH, GOOD.

THANKS, THANKS FOR COMING,

THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

THANKS FOR NO DYING BEFORE YOU GOT HERE.

WHICH COULD'VE HAPPENED.

- THANKS FOR GETTING

THROUGH THE TRAFFIC.

I DROVE HERE,

AND ON THE WAY HERE

I SAW A BUMPER STICKER

ON A CAR, AND IT SAID,

UH, IT SAID "TELL YOUR

GIRLFRIEND I SAID THANKS."

ISN'T THAT A LITTLE PERSONAL

FOR A BUMPER STICKER, REALLY?

A BUMPER STICKER

SHOULD BE LIKE,

"HEY, I'M IN

FRONT OF YOU, BUH-BAA,"

WHATEVER, YOU KNOW.

NOT, "HEY, I F***ED

YOUR GIRLFRIEND."

YOU REALLY WANT THA ON YOUR CAR

ALL DAY FOR WHOEVER'S

BEHIND YOU?

"TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND

I SAID THANKS,"

HOW DOES HE KNOW I'M NOT BEHIND

HIM JUST GETTING MAD,

AND...

CRAZY, TAKING IT PERSONAL,

"MOTHERF***ER... "

I FOLLOW HIM HOME, I GET OUT OF

MY CAR IN HIS DRIVEWAY

WITH A PIPE,

"WHAT THE F*** DOES THAT MEAN?"

THANK HER FOR WHAT, EXACTLY?

- WAIT A MINUTE,

YOU F***ED MY GIRLFRIEND?

THEN YOU MADE THA BUMPER STICKER

AND FOUND ME IN TRAFFIC

AND GOT IN FRONT OF ME?

WOO!

MOTHERF***ER.

AND I JUST BEAT HIM

TO DEATH WITH A PIPE

RIGHT THERE IN:

HIS DRIVEWAY, MM, MM!

AND JERK OFF ON HIS CORPSE.

DIDN'T NEED THAT PART.

DIDN'T NEED IT.

THE STORY WAS TOTAY COMPLETE

WITHOUT THE JERKING OFF

ON THE CORPSE.

IT'S TOO LATE.

- I WAS AT A BAR

THE OTHER NIGHT,

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE

BECAUSE I'M LYING.

BUT, UM-

I WAS...

- I WAS AT A BAR,

AND, UH, UM,

I WAS WAITING FOR THE BATHROOM

FOR A REALLY LONG TIME,

THERE WAS A GUY IN THE BATHROOM

AND I'M WAITING FOR HIM.

AND THEN AFTER A WHILE,

THIS GUY THAT WORKS THERE

WALKS BY, HE GOES,

"ARE YOU STILL WAITING?"

AND I'M LIKE, "YEAH."

SO HE BANGS ON:

THE DOOR AND HE GOES,

"COME, A**HOLE,

SH*T AND GET OUT!"

AND THEN HE WALKS AWAY.

- I WAS IN NEW YORK,

I WENT TO A-UH,

I WENT TO THIS POLISH MEA PLACE IN NEW YORK,

AND I GO TO THE GUY

AT THE COUNTER, I WAS LIKE,

"HEY, COULD I GET A SANDWICH?"

AND HE'S LIKE, "YES!"

AND HE JUST MADE ME A SANDWICH.

HEH, HEH, HEH.

THAT WAS IT, HE DIDN'T ASK ME

WHAT KIND OR ANYTHING,

HE JUST MADE IT.

IT HAD, LIKE, RAISINS

AND BONES IN IT. WHAT THE F***?

- PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES

EAT WEIRD FOOD, MAN.

I WAS IN CHINATOWN, AND, UH,

YOU KNOW ONE OF THE GROCERIES-

I KNOW THAT'S NOT ANOTHER

COUNTRY, BUT, UH, YOU KNOW-

HA HA HA-

- YOU-YOU KNOW THE GROCERY

STORES IN CHINATOWN,

THEY'RE FOR THE CHINESE PEOPLE,

THEY EAT THEIR ACTUAL FOOD,

AND, UH, I WAS

IN ONE OF THOSE, AND THEY-

THEY HAD DUCK VAGINAS,

I SWEAR TO GOD.

A HUGE BARREL OF

F***IN' DUCK VAGINAS...

WITH A SCOOP STUCK IN IT.

YEAH!

- AND I'M STANDING THERE

JUST STARING AT THIS

F***ING HUGE...

AND I'M THINKING,

COULD WE POSSIBLY DOMINATE

A SPECIES MORE THAN THAT?

- THAN THAT-WE'RE SELLING THEIR

VAGINAS IN A F***ING BARREL.

- DUCKS ARE JUS LIKE, "DUDES... JESUS.

"YOU WON THE WAR,

TAKE IT EASY,

YOU DON'T HAVE TO

SELL OUR VAGINAS."

- I DIDN'T GET ANY,

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO KNOW-

WHAT IF I LOVE DUCK VAGINAS?

I DON'T WANT TO FIND OUT.

- IT'S NOT LIKE MILLIONS

OF THINGS TASTE LIKE

A F***ING DUCK VAGINA,

IT WOULD BE VERY SPECIFIC

TO BE ADDICTED TO THAT.

NOT FOR ME.

- I HAVE THIS FRIEND,

HE HAS A PHONE THAT CAN "IM,"

HE CAN INSTANT MESSAGE, AND SO

NOW I REALLY WANT HIM TO DIE,

BECAUSE I'M SICK OF GETTING

THESE F***ING MESSAGES

FROM HIM ON HIS PHONE.

"I'M IN A SHOW STORE."

THAT'S THE WHOLE MESSAGE!

WE'RE NOT SECRET AGENTS, I DON' NEED TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.

SO I GET THIS:

MESSAGE FROM HIM,

HE SAYS, "I'M ON AN

AIRPLANE IN SEATTLE."

SO I WROTE BACK AND I SAID,

"WELL, I HOPE

YOUR PLANE CRASHES."

- AND HE GETS PISSED OFF

AND HE CALLS ME,

"TAKE IT BACK, WE'RE ABOU TO TAKE OFF."

I'M LIKE, "F*** YOU,

I HOPE IT CRASHES.

I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT BACK."

HOPE IT CRASHES TWICE.

HOPE IT CRASHES:

AND KILLS HALF OF YOU

AND THEY GO, "F*** IT,

LET'S Y AGAIN,"

AND THEY TAKE OFF

AND CRASH AGAIN.

I HOPE THAT HAPPENS.

SINCERELY I HOPE IT.

- AND HE-HE TRIES

TO MAKE IT-HE GOES,

"WELL, HOW ARE YOU GONNA

FEEL NOW IF MY PLANE CRASHES

AFTER YOU WEN AND SAID THAT?"

I'M LIKE, ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME?

THAT WOULD BE AMAZING!

TO KNOW THAT I CAN DO THAT?

I'D HAPPILY TRADE YOUR LIFE FOR

KNOWLEDGE OF MY POWERS.

HE'S ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO JUS MAKES YOU HATE HIM,

BECAUSE, UH, YOU KNOW WHEN

YOU HAVE A FRIEND THAT YOU HATE?

YOU CAN'T BREAK UP WITH

YOUR FRIENDS, YOU KNOW?

HE ALWAYS STARTS CONVERSATIONS

THAT I DON'T WANT TO HAVE.

YOU KNOW, HE'S LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU

HAD A TIME MACHINE?"

I'M LIKE, F*** YOU.

I DON'T-

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WOULDN'T USE IT.

I'D JUST LET I SIT IN MY HOUSE.

I'D PUT A DRINK ON IT,

YOU KNOW, I GOT A TIME MACHINE,

I NEVER EVEN WENT IN IT.

I DON'T KNOW,

I'M NOT INTERESTED.

I'D USE I TO GO BACK 30 MINUTES AGO

AND PUNCH YOU IN THE F***ING

FACE BEFORE YOU ASK ME THAT.

THAT'S ALL.

ONE USE.

SO HE GOES, "WELL,

HERE'S WHAT I WOULD DO."

'CAUSE OF COURSE THAT'S

THE WHOLE F***ING POIN OF ASKING ME, IS TO STARE

AT ME WHILE I SAY MINE

AND THEN SAY HIS.

SO HE SAID IF:

HE HAD A TIME MACHINE,

HE WOULD'VE

KILLED HITLER, LIKE,

HE WOULD GO BACK

AND KILL HITLER.

I LOVE THAT HE THINKS

HE COULD JUST KILL HITLER

JUST 'CAUSE

HE JUST GOES BACK THERE

AND WALK UP AND KILL THE DUDE.

AND I WAS THINKING,

THAT'S A NOBLE PURPOSE

FOR A TIME MACHINE,

I WOULD DO THAT.

BUT I WOULD'VE

GONE BACK WITH HIM

BUT I WOULDN' HAVE KILLED HITLER.

I WOULD'VE RAPED HIM.

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

BECAUSE I THINK THA WOULD'VE BEEN ENOUGH,

I THINK THAT WOULD'VE STOPPED

HIM FROM DOING ALL THAT SH*T.

IF HE HAD BEEN RAPED BY ME,

HE NEVER WOULD'VE PULLED

ANY OF THAT STUFF, MAN.

"SHOULD WE INVADE POLAND?"

"NO, I'LL JUST TAKE A SHOWER,

I DON'T FEEL GOOD."

- LOW SELF-ESTEEM,

AND, YOU KNOW...

- I'M NOT CONDONING RAPE,

OBVIOUSLY,

YOU SHOULD NEVER RAPE ANYONE.

UM, UNLESS YOU HAVE A REASON,

LIKE YOU WANT TO

F*** SOMEBODY AND

THEY WON'T LET YOU,

IN WHICH CASE, UH...

- WHAT OTHER

OPTION DO YOU HAVE?

HOW ELSE ARE YOU

SUPPOSED TO HAVE AN ORGASM

IN THEIR BODY:

IF YOU DON'T RAPE THEM?

LIKE, WHAT THE F***?

HA HA HA. OK.

THAT'S F***ED UP.

SO, HERE'S A WEIRD THING

THAT HAPPENED TO ME.

I HAVE THIS, UH,

I HAVE THIS T-SHIRT,

AND IT SAYS:

"AWESOME POSSUM" ON IT.

AND IT'S GOT A PICTURE

OF A POSSUM.

I KNOW IT'S STUPID, BUT A FRIEND

OF MINE GAVE IT TO ME-

F*** YOU, I BOUGHT IT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS COOL.

BUT, UH, I-

I'D NEVER SEEN ANYBODY

WITH THAT SAME SHIRT BEFORE,

WITH THE AWESOME POSSUM SHIRT,

AND I WAS IN THIS COFFEE PLACE

IN L.A., YOU KNOW,

LIKE A COFFEE-NOT LIKE, UH,

LIKE STARBUCKS,

LIKE AN INDIE COFFEE PLACE WHERE

ALL THE COOL PEOPLE GO,

AND THEY'RE LIKE, OOH-

EH-HEH-EH-HEH...

- THEY GOT THEIR, LIKE,

SNOW HATS IN THE F***ING SUMMER

AND ALL THAT SH*T, YOU KNOW,

THOSE COOL PEOPLE.

HUH, UH, AND THEIR IPODs.

AND THEY SAY COOL THINGS LIKE,

"YEAH, ME, TOO."

OR WHATEVER, YOU KNOW.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote