Louis C.K.: Shameless Page #2

- AND I JUST STAND IN THE

DOORWAY AND F***ING HATE THEM.

I DON'T KNOW WHY

I GO TO THE PLACE,

I THINK IT'S

'CAUSE I HATE THEM.

I JUST HATE-

THERE'S A CERTAIN PART OF

THE CULTURE I JUST HATE.

'CAUSE I GREW UP IN BOSTON,

AND IN BOSTON,

PEOPLE JUST BEA THE SH*T OUT OF EACH OTHER.

FOR NO REASON.

THEY JUST BEAT THE SHI OUT OF EACH OTHER.

BUT I KIND OF THINK

YOU NEED THAT,

YOU KNOW, TO KEEP

QUALITY CONTROL.

'CAUSE IN PLACES WHERE

THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN,

PEOPLE ARE JUSTOO FREE,

AND F***IN'- THEY'RE

JUST A BUMMER, YOU KNOW?

LIKE I WAS ONCE ON VENICE BEACH

AND I'M JOGGING,

AND THERE'S THIS GUY

ROLLERBLADING TOWARDS ME.

AND HE'S-HE'S GO ROLLERBLADES ON,

AND JUST A THONG,

JUST A F***ING THONG,

THAT'S JUST GRABBING

THIS DICK AND BALLS

AND JUST FIGHTING WITH IT,

GOING, "AH, STAY IN THERE!"

- AND THEN HE'S JUST TOTAL

NAKED OTHERWISE,

AND HE'S GOT THIS

KENNY "G" HAIR,

AND HE'S JUS ROLLERBLADING, LIKE-

"I'M FREE!"

- AND I ACTUALLY

HAD TO STOP JOGGING,

'CAUSE I NEEDEMY WHOLE BODY

TO F***ING HATE THIS GUY WITH.

I HAD TO JUST...

- STAND THERE GOING,

"OH, YOU MOTHERF***ER."

- NOW I HAVE TO KNOW

YOU EXIST, YOU PIECE OF SH*T.

F***ING GO SKATE INTO AN AIDS

TREE, YOU MOTHERF***ER.

ALL RIGHT, NOW.

I DON'T KNOW, I'VE STARTED TO

KIND OF HATE PEOPLE,

AND IT'S NOT BECAUSE

I HAVE ANYTHING AGAINST THEM,

IT'S JUST I-I ENJOY IT,

IT'S JUST RECREATION.

LIKE, YOU KNOW

WHEN YOU'RE AT THE BANK

AND YOU GOT NOTHING TO DO WHILE

YOU'RE WAITING IN LINE,

SO YOU JUST PICK PEOPLE

TO HATE WHILE YOU'RE WAITING?

YOU JUST LOOK AT SOMEONE

AND FORM AN OPINION

WITH NO INFORMATION.

AND IT'S NEVER POSITIVE.

WHO F***ING WASTES THEIR TIME-

"I BET HE'S A HARD WORKER."

WHO THINKS ABOUT THAT SH*T?

- SKIP OVER THOSE PEOPLE.

THEN YOU FIND A GUY-

"OH, LOOK AT HIS SHOES,

WHAT A F***ING A**HOLE.

OH, LOOK AT THA PIECE OF SH*T,

HOPE HE DIES TODAY.

OH, GOD, I HATE HIM."

"I HATE HIM!"

YOU WATCH ALL THE SH*T-

"YEAH, FILL THAT OUT,

YOU F*** FACE.

"FILL IT OUT. YEAH,

YOU FILLED IT OUT, I KNEW IT.

YOU SUCK."

HE'S JUST STANDING THERE,

HE HAS NO IDEA YOU'RE JUS BOILING WITH HATE,

YOU KNOW?

- I FEEL PEOPLE HATING ME

SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW,

LIKE, UH, I WAS

AT THE POST OFFICE,

AND I'M AT THE LINE-YOU KNOW,

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE THINGS

WHERE THERE'S A LONG LINE

AND 1 WINDOW OPEN.

SO EVERYONE IS:

JUST LIKE, "AAH!"

EVERYONE'S MAD.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE IN THE LINE,

YOU'RE IN THE HATE GROUP.

YOU GET TO BE PART OF THE GROUP,

AND YOU'RE ALL LOOKING

AT EACH OTHER GOING,

"HUH, HUH... "

"HMM," LIKE A SILENT MOVIE

OF IMPATIENT PEOPLE, YOU KNOW.

THEN THERE'S ALWAYS 1 PERSON

WHO BREAKS THE SILENCE,

SOMEBODY WHO HAS AN IDEA,

YOU KNOW, LIKE-

"THEY SHOULD OPEN

ANOTHER WINDOW."

- AND EVERYBODY'S LIKE,

"YEAH, I KNOW,

"TOTALLY,

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW.

THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW

HOW TO DO ANYTHING."

- THEN THERE'S ALWAYS

AN OLD LADY WHO HAS A STORY.

"I WAS HERE ON WEDNESDAY... "

- "AND THERE WAS

ALSO A LINE LIKE THIS."

HOLY SH*T, REALLY?!

OH, MY GOD,

YOU F***ING OLD LADY,

THAT'S AMAZING!

- WELL, ANYWAY, THEN IT'S

YOUR TURN AT THE WINDOW, RIGHT?

AND NOW EVERYBODY'S

LOOKING AT YOU,

AND YOU FEEL THE SCRUTINY

OF HOW QUICKLY YOU'RE

MAILING YOUR SH*T,

YOU START REALIZING

HOW UNIMPORTANT YOUR PACKAGE IS,

AND YOU FEEL LIKE THEY CAN TELL.

"F***, GET OUT OF THERE.

YOU DON'T NEED TO MAIL

THAT RIGHT NOW."

AND IT'S LIKE...

- IF YOU DO 1 LITTLE

EXTRA THING LIKE,

"DO YOU HAVE THOSE STAMPS

THAT HAVE JACKIE ROBINSON?"

BEHIND YOUR EAR, LIKE,

YOU HEAR, "PFFF, JESUS.

F*** IT, DUDE."

THEY PUT THEIR SH*T DOWN

HEAVILY LIKE, "F***!

"NOW THIS MOTHERF***ER'S GONNA

MAKE ME STAND HERE

"WHILE HE BUYS F***ING STAMPS

AT THE POST OFFICE?

"ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

"LET'S SH*T IN HIS

MOUTH RIGHT NOW, SERIOUSLY.

"LET'S-YOU F***ING HOLD

HIM DOWN, AND I WILL SHI DIRECTLY INTO HIS F***ING

TIME-WASTING MOUTH."

- BUT ANYWAY, YEAH,

SO I WAS IN THE COFFEE PLACE,

UH, WITH THE YOUNG PEOPLE.

AND THEY'RE-

"OOH, HEH, HEH, HEH,"

AND I'M STANDING IN THE DOORWAY

JUST FANTASIZING ABOU WALKING AROUND JUST HITTING

THEIR CUPS TO THE FLOOR,

LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW.

BAGEL, AND COFFEE...

AND BAGEL...

HA HA HA.

AND I SEE THIS GUY,

HE'S LIKE 20 YEARS OLD,

AND HE HAS:

THE "AWESOME POSSUM" SHIRT.

JUST LIKE MINE!

SO, I WENT LIKE THIS,

I WENT, LIKE,

"HEY, NICE SHIRT."

AND HE WENT, "PFFF."

AND HE WALKED AWAY,

LIKE I'M A PIECE OF SH*T.

AND I STOOD THERE,

AND I WAS SO MAD,

I JUST THOUGHT,

"F*** HIM, MAN.

WE HAVE THE SAME SHIRT!"

IT'S AN UNUSUAL SHIRT.

IT'S PERFECTLY APPROPRIATE

TO F***ING DO THIS SH*T.

- WHY DOES HE HAVE TO MAKE ME

FEEL LIKE AN OLD FAG

JUST 'CAUSE I WAN TO MAKE A CONNECTION

WITH ANOTHER HUMAN BEING?

IS HIS GENERATION

JUST TOO COOL AND IRONIC,

"EH, OOH, THAT'S LAME.

THE OLDER GUY WANTED TO-

OOH, HEH, EH."

F***ING YOUNG C*NT,

I HOPE HE DIES.

LIKE, THAT'S HOW-THAT'S

HOW MAD I WAS.

- AND AS I'M STANDING THERE,

LIKE, IN THAT ANGER,

I LOOK DOWN AND I REALIZE

I'M NOT WEARING THE SHIRT,

I DON'T HAVE IT-

HA HA HA HA.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I THOUGH I DID, I JUST-

I SAW HIS, AND-

"DUH, ME TOO, DUH!

DUH!"

HEY, THIS IS INTERESTING.

THE OTHER DAY,

A GUY TOLD ME:

TO SUCK A BAG OF D*CKS.

THAT WAS INTERESTING.

I NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE.

TOTAL STRANGER TOLD ME

TO SUCK A BAG OF D*CKS.

A WHOLE BAG OF THEM!

HE WAS ANGRY,

HE DIDN'T JUST,

YOU KNOW,

"SUCK A BAG OF D*CKS,"

LIKE A GREETING.

"OH, SUCK A BAG OF D*CKS

TO YOU, TOO, SIR,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH."

YES.

IT'S A LOVELY DAY FOR

SUCKING SEVERAL BAGS OF D*CKS.

HA HA.

NO, WHAT HAPPENED WAS,

I- I CUT HIM OFF IN TRAFFIC.

IT WAS JUST ONE OF

THOSE THINGS WHERE IT JUST-

I HAD TO GET IN, AND NO ONE

WAS IN MY CAR TO JUDGE ME,

AND I JUST F***ING, YOU KNOW,

I JUST DECIDED-

HE'S NOT ME, SO I DON'T CARE

WHAT HAPPENS TO HIM,

AND I JUST CUT HIM OFF,

IT WAS JUS A SHITTY THING TO DO.

AND IT WAS BAD,

'CAUSE HE WAS COMING FAS 'CAUSE HE DIDN'T IMAGINE

IN A MILLION YEARS SOMEONE

COULD BE THAT BIG OF AN A**HOLE.

AND SO WHEN I DID IT,

HE HAD TO SLAM ON HIS BRAKES,

AND HIS DOG WENT PFF!

IN THE WINDSHIELD,

IT WAS REALLY VERY BAD.

- VERY BAD.

AND THE WORST PART IS,

WHEN YOU CUT PEOPLE OFF,

THEY DON'T VANISH,

THEY'RE BEHIND YOU NOW, SO...

- LOOKING BACK AND HE'S LIKE,

"F***ING ASS!"

AND HE'S SO MAD!

AND HE KEEPS TRYING

TO GET NEXT TO ME,

'CAUSE HE JUST WANTS TO SEE

MY F***ING FACE.

HE'S JUST DYING,

HE'S LIKE,

"I GOTTA SEE

THIS COCKSUCKER, NOW.

I GOTTA SEE THE F***ING FACE

OF THE PIECE OF SHI THAT JUST DID THAT TO ME."

AND I KEEP CUTTING HIM OFF,

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM

TO SEE I'M ASHAMED OF

WHAT I DID.

NO-NOPE YOU DON'T.

FINALLY WE GET TO A RED LIGHT,

AND I GOTTA FACE HIM,

ONLY 'CAUSE THERE'S

A CAR IN FRONT OF ME,

OTHERWISE I WOULD'VE F***ING

BLOWN RIGHT THROUGH THERE.

BUT THERE HE IS, JUST-

"RR-AAH!" JUST FURIOUS.

AND I'M GOING, LIKE,

"YEAH, I KNOW, IT WAS AWFUL,

"I SHOULDN'T HAVE

DONE IT.

I'M NOT MAD, I WAS WRONG,

WHY WOULD I BE MAD?"

AND HE'S LIKE,

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