Louis C.K.: Shameless Page #3

"WELL, F*** YOU!"

THEN HE STARTS GOING

LIKE THIS,

'CAUSE HE WANTS ME TO ROLL

MY WINDOW DOWN.

LIKE I'M SUPPOSED TO TAKE PAR IN MY OWN ABUSE,

DURING THIS ARGUMENT.

"OH, I'M SORRY,

I DON'T WANT TO MISS THIS.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY

ABOUT ME, YES?"

- "HOW RUDE OF ME TO SHUT OU YOUR ANGER WITH MY-"

SO I DID, I ROLLED IT DOWN,

I'M INTERESTED.

- AND HE GOES, "HEY, A**HOLE!"

I'M LIKE, "YEAH?"

HE SAYS,

"SUCK A BAG OF D*CKS!"

THEN HE DROVE AWAY.

AND I WAS KIND OF SAD THAT HE

DROVE AWAY, BECAUSE

I HAD A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

- THAT CONCEPT OF SUCKING

A BAG OF D*CKS,

IT'S JUST WEIRD.

LIKE, FIRST OF ALL,

WHEN YOU PICTURE

A BAG OF D*CKS...

- WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN

YOU PICTURE A BAG OF D*CKS?

IS IT LIKE A PLASTIC BAG

AND THEY'RE ALL MUSHING TOGETHER

LIKE CHICKEN PARTS-

- WITH A DATE WRITTEN ON I WITH SHARPIE,

KEEP IT IN THE FREEZER.

OR IS IT, LIKE, A PAPER BAG

AND THEY'RE STICKING OU LIKE BAGUETTES, KINDA LIKE?

YOU WENT SHOPPING-

BRINGING HOME THE BAG OF

D*CKS FOR THE KIDS.

- HERE YOU GO, SUSIE,

TAKE A BLUE ONE, YOU KNOW?

HA HA HA, I DON'T KNOW,

THEY WERE HANGING

IN A WINDOW SOMEWHERE,

"GIVE ME 2 OF THOSE."

AND HOW DO YOU:

SUCK A BAG OF D*CKS?

WHAT DOES HE WAN ME TO DO?

DOES HE WANT ME TO TAKE

A BAG OF D*CKS

AND SUCK IT-LIKE SUCK

THE SIDE OF THE BAG?

OR DO-DOES HE WAN ME TO OPEN THE BAG

AND SUCK EACH DICK INDIVIDUALLY?

- THROW THE USED ONES IN A BOWL

LIKE EDAMAME SHELLS?

LIKE THAT?

- DO I HAVE TO MAKE THEM ALL

COME? YOU KNOW, LIKE HOW-

- I DON'T KNOW, I NEVER

EVEN SUCKED 1 DICK,

SO IT'S NOT AN AREA

THAT I UNDERSTAND.

I'VE NEVER-I'VE NEVER

SUCKED A DICK.

ISN'T THAT WEIRD?

I'VE NEVER SUCKED A DICK.

MY WHOLE LIFE.

THAT'S WEIRD TO ME.

IT IS, IT'S WEIRD.

BECAUSE ALMOST EVERYBODY

HAS SUCKED A DICK.

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT,

MOST PEOPLE ON EARTH

SUCK D*CKS.

IT'S TRUE.

BECAUSE 51% OF

THE POPULATION ARE WOMEN,

AND THEY SUCK D*CKS,

THEN THERE'S ALL THE GAY GUYS

THAT SUCK D*CKS,

THEN THERE'S ALL

THE STRAIGHT GUYS WHO HAVE BEEN

FORCED TO SUCK A DICK

UNDER VARIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES,

SO, WHAT,

THERE'S ONLY LIKE

A THOUSAND OF US

OUT THERE WHO'VE-

NEVER BLEW ANYONE.

JUST A BUNCH OF SELFISH

A**HOLES THAT ARE F***IN'

GETTIN' BLOWN AND NO BLOWING BACK, YOU KNOW?

IT'S LIKE, THAT'S WHA PEOPLE DO,

WE ALL F***IN' SUCK D*CKS AND

I HAVEN'T DONE IT, AND-

I DON'T HAVE, LIKE,

A BIG REASON NOT TO, EITHER.

I DON'T HAVE A POLICY

AGAINST SUCKING A DICK,

IT'S NOT SOMETHING

I'M AGAINST DOING,

I JUST HAVE NEVER SEEN A DICK

I WANTED TO SUCK.

THAT'S REALLY WHAT I COMES DOWN TO.

I'VE NEVER SEEN A PENIS

THAT INSPIRED ME TO SUCK IT.

EVERY DICK I'VE EVER

SEEN HAS BUMMED ME OUT,

I HATE 'EM, I-I HATE THEM.

THEY RUIN MY DAY

WHEN I SEE THEM,

BUT THAT'S JUST SO FAR.

- I MEAN, WHAT THE F***

DO I KNOW?

THERE MIGHT BE THE-THIS

GUY RIGHT HERE MIGHT HAVE

A BEAUTIFUL DICK,

THIS GUY-

IF I SAW HIS DICK...

- WOO!

- I MIGHT GO, "OH,

F***, THAT SH*T'S GOING

IN MY MOUTH RIGHT NOW,"

AND I'D JUST F***ING-

AND I'D HAVE TO BLOW HIM.

- F***ING HOLD HIM

DOWN AND BLOW HIM.

THAT'S THE KINDA-I WOULD,

LIKE, RAPE BLOW PEOPLE,

THAT'S WHAT I WOULD-LIKE,

HOLD THE GUY DOWN

AND BLOW HIM TO SPITE HIM.

THAT'S THE KIND OF SHI I WOULD DO.

JUST TO, YOU KNOW...

- I'M JUST SAYING

I'M NOT PREJUDICED.

I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT MANY,

THERE'S BILLIONS-

LITERALLY, BILLIONS

OF D*CKS IN THE WORLD,

AND I'VE SEEN,

LIKE, 40 AT THE MOST,

SO HOW THE F*** WOULD I KNOW?

WHAT, IS THAT TOO MANY?

- HA HA, YEAH,

THAT'S TOO MANY, RIGHT?

40, JESUS CHRIST.

I'M ONLY 39, THAT'S A DICK

A YEAR PLUS ANOTHER ONE.

WHY AM I SAYING 40?

THAT'S A LOT.

THAT'S LIKE 2 BAGS

OF D*CKS RIGHT THERE,

AT LEAST, 40 D*CKS?

ALL RIGHT.

- I VER UNDERSTOOD

PEOPLE, UH, UH-

JUDGING PEOPLE:

FOR THE WAY THEY HAVE SEX.

SOME PEOPLE GET ANGRY A HOMOSEXUALS JUST FOR BEING GAY,

THEY GET MAD AT THEM, URR!

I NEVER REALLY:

UNDERSTOOD THAT, YOU KNOW?

BECAUSE THEY'RE JUS HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER.

IT'S NOT-LIKE I COULD

UNDERSTAND IF GAY PEOPLE

WERE JUST RUNNING OU IN THE STREETS JUS F***ING PEOPLE IN

THE ASS WILLY-NILLY,

JUST LIKE A PESTILENCE.

LIKE, WITHOUT ASKING,

YOU KNOW?

LIKE YOU'RE AT THE ATM,

"HEY! WHAT THE F***?

"JESUS, GOD DAMN IT.

"SOME F*GGOT JUS F***ED ME RIGHT IN THE ASS.

"SERIOUSLY!

"F***ING RIGHT THROUGH MY PANTS,

HE F***ING RUINED MY NEW PANTS.

THIS IS F***ING BULLSHIT."

- "ANOTHER ONE-

GOD DAMN IT!

I GOTTA GET THE F*** HOME.

THIS IS RIDICULOUS."

- BUT THEY GENERALLY

DON'T DO THAT,

SO I DON'T KNOW WHA THE F***ING PROBLEM IS.

PEOPLE GET MAD.

THEY DON'T WANT THEM TO GET-

"DON'T GET MARRIED."

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO

GO TO THE WEDDING.

WHAT THE F***? YOU DON'T HAVE

TO BUY THEM ANYTHING.

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

SOME PEOPLE GO, LIKE,

"WELL, THEN A GUY WILL

MARRY HIS DOG."

GOOD, F***ING-I HOPE

HE BLOWS HIS DOG-

WHO GIVES A SH*T?

IT DOESN'T MATTER.

IT DOESN'T HAVE ANY EFFEC ON YOUR LIFE.

WHAT THE F*** DO YOU CARE?

OR PEOPLE THAT TRY

TO THINK-TALK LIKE

IT'S A SOCIAL ISSUE.

LIKE WHEN YOU SEE SOMEONE

STAND UP IN A TALK SHOW

AND SAY, "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO

EXPLAIN TO MY CHILD...

THAT 2 MEN ARE

GETTING MARRIED?"

I DON'T KNOW, IT'S YOUR SHITTY

KID, YOU F***ING TELL THEM.

WHY IS THAT-

YONE ELSE'S PROBLEM?

2 GUYS ARE IN LOVE

BUT THEY CAN'T GET MARRIED

'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK

TO YOUR UGLY CHILD

FOR F***ING 5 MINUTES?

- WHO F***ING CARES ABOU YOUR SHITTY KID?

HE'S PROBABLY

A F*GGOT ANYWAY.

- HOW STUPID IS THAT?

ALL RIGHT.

STUPID.

I DON'T KNOW.

THE ONLY, UM, THING THA BUMS ME OUT, THOUGH,

IS THAT YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED

TO LAUGH AT GAY PEOPLE

WHEN THEY'RE FUNNY.

'CAUSE SOMETIMES THEY JUST ARE.

THEY'RE FUNNY, LIKE,

I LIVED IN NEW YORK

FOR A LOT OF MY LIFE,

AND IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD,

EVERYBODY WAS GAY,

AND-AND, YOU KNOW, SOME GUYS

ARE JUST A GUY:

WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

BUT SOME GAY GUYS ARE A GUY

IN LITTLE SHORTS

AND A HALF SHIRT,

AND, YOU KNOW,

COMBAT BOOTS:

SPRAY-PAINTED GREEN,

AND A WHISTLE, AND HE'S

STANDING ON THE CORNER GOING,

"HELLO!

IT'S F***ING HOT OUTSIDE."

THAT'S NOT A STEREOTYPE.

THOSE GUYS F***ING EXIS BY THE THOUSANDS.

AND WHEN I SEE THEM

I LAUGH REALLY LOUD,

I JUST DO.

AND PEOPLE ARE LIKE,

"DON'T LAUGH AT HIM

'CAUSE HE'S GAY."

NO, I'M NOT, I'M LAUGHING

'CAUSE HE'S F***ING

WEIRD AND SILLY!

HE'S HILARIOUS.

- HOW AM I

SUPPOSED TO REACT?

HELLO!

OH, HELLO, HELLO, YES?

SERIOUSNESS IS-YES.

IT'S STUPID.

THE ONLY-ACTUALLY, THE ONE GUY

I WOULD BLOW, UH-

BASED ON-

BASED ON WHO HE IS,

IS EWAN McGREGOR. THERE IS THIS

ONE GUY OUT THERE,

I GOTTA SAY, THAT I HAVE

NO GAY INCLINATIONS

EXCEPT FOR I MET THIS

F***ING DUDE IN PERSON,

I WAS WORKING:

ON SOME AWARDS SHOW,

AND THERE HE'S

STANDING, RIGHT THERE,

AND I WAS LIKE, F***! LIKE,

I WAS JUST BLOWN AWAY.

LIKE, JESUS CHRIST,

HE'S F***ING BEAUTIFUL!

- AND HE LOOKED AT ME,

AND HEAS LIKE, "HELLO."

AND I WAS LIKE-

I F***ING SHIVERED,

LIKE, I STARTED SHIVERING,

LIKE, F***!

HE'S F***IN' GORGEOUS.

- AND LIKE A WEEK LATER,

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