Louis C.K.: Shameless Page #4

I WAS JUST-I WAS, LIKE,

STARING OFF INTO SPACE

SOMEWHERE, AND I REALIZED-

F***! I WAS JUST DAYDREAMING

ABOUT EWAN McGREGOR!

- LIKE, SERIOUSLY, I'M NOT GAY

IN ANY OTHER WAY

EXCEPT FOR I WANT TOUCK

THAT GUY RIGHT IN THE FACE,

I TOTALLY WAN TO F*** HIS FACE.

I WANT TO F*** THE SHI OUT OF HIS FACE.

I WANT HIM TO FUCKE.

I DO, I WANT HIM TO F*** ME.

OH.

I DON'T REALLY HAVE A SHO WITH HIM, I THINK,

BECAUSE-

HA HA HA HA!

I JUST DON'T RAPE

MOVIE STARS, I'M NOT REALLY-

I'M F***ING FAT.

IT'S RIDIC-LIKE,

I EVEN WEAR-

LIKE, I HAVE THIS

PROBLEM NOW, MY PANTS KEEP-

LIKE, I CAN'T KEEP THEM-

THEY WON'T STAY UP,

BECAUSE-HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.

OK, YOU GET FAT, AND SOME OF

YOU SKINNY PEOPLE-

WON'T-I DON' GIVE A SH*T ABOUT YOU,

WON'T GET THIS.

I HATE SKINNY PEOPLE BECAUSE

THEY DON'T EMPATHIZE WITH

FAT GUY PROBLEMS.

THEY JUST DON'T-LIKE, YOU EVER

HAVE A SKINNY FRIEND,

YOUR TRYING TO TELL THEM, LIKE,

I JUST-I JUST WISH

I COULD HAVE 1 DONU AND F***ING WALK AWAY,

I WISH I COULD DO THAT,

I WISH I HAD THE POWER

TO EAT A DONUT, AND...

AND YOUR:

SKINNY FRIEND'S LIKE-

WELL, JUST EAT THE DONUT,

THEN, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

YOU SHOULD TOTALLY...

- JUST HAVE A DONUT IF

YOU WANT ONE,

YOU SHOULD TOTALLY

GO AHEAD AND HAVE ONE.

JUST ENJOY YOURSELF,

HAVE A DONUT IF YOU LIKE THEM.

F*** YOU, YOU DON'T GET IT.

IT'S A WHOLE-

SPIRAL THAT BEGINS

WITH THE DONUT,

LATER I'M KILLING HOOKERS,

I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER

WHAT HAPPENED.

- BUT, SO,

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS.

YOU GET FAT, AND YOUR PANTS

START TO GET TIGHT.

RIGHT? AND THEN

YOU GET FATTER,

'CAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE,

"OH, I'LL STOP EATING NOW,"

YOU KNOW?

- AND THEN SUDDENLY,

ALL YOUR PANTS F***ING HURT.

LIKE, EVERY

PAIR OF PANTS HURTS.

AND THEN YOU EAT EVEN MORE,

'CAUSE IT'S LIKE,

"F*** IT NOW, MAN,

WHO EVEN CARES?"

- FAT SH*T.

F***ING OBSESSED WITH FOOD.

I WENT TO THIS F***ING,

UH, UH, THING WITH

MY WIFE AND KIDS

WHERE IT WAS LIKE

THE KIDS AND THEIR KID FRIENDS

AND IT'S JUST A HOUSE

FULL OF A**HOLES, YOU KNOW,

THAT HAVE KIDS.

AND I'M JUST STANDING THERE,

"F*** IT, I JUST WAN TO KILL MYSELF."

I JUST WANT A BOMB TO DROP

ON THE WHOLE HOUSE

AND TAKE US ALL OUT.

AND I GET IN THERE, BUT THEN

THERE'S A PLATE OF COOKIES.

AND, LIKE, AS SOON AS I'M LIKE,

THAT'S WHAT I'M DOING,

I'M EATING EVERY F***ING

COOKIE ON THAT PLATE.

THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE-THAT'S

WHAT THIS ALL IS,

IS F***ING THAT.

SO-AND YOU HAVE TO HAVE

A STRATEGY, YOU KNOW.

YOU CAN'T JUST F***ING, UH,

YOU CAN'T JUS F***ING STAND THERE

AND JUST F***ING-

- YOU HAVE TO, LIKE, SORT OF

KEEP REDISCOVERING

THE COOKIES, YOU KNOW?

YOU HAVE TO WALK OVER,

GO LIKE, "OH, HEY... "

- SO, WHO BROUGHT THOSE?

THAT'S COOL...

YOU DO THIS,

THIS MEANS, LIKE,

I TOTALLY COULD NOT EAT IT,

BUT F*** IT, I'LL JUST-

DON'T WANT TO HUR THE PEOPLE'S FEELINGS

WHO BROUGHT THE COOKIES.

MM, THAT'S INTERESTING,

I COULD TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.

TOTALLY F***ING RADAR

BACK THERE.

OK, NEW PEOPLE AROUND THE DISH,

DO IT AGAIN-"HEY... "

- IF PEOPLE START NOTICING,

YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE,

"THESE ARE CRAZY, LIKE,

I'M ADDIC-

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT IT IS ABOUT THEM."

YEAH, IT'S THE F***ING

COOKIES,

IT'S NO "YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHI THAT CAN'T STOP

EATING ANYTHING."

BUT, UM...

SO HERE'S

WHAT HAPPENS, THOUGH,

YOU GET FAT ENOUGH, THOUGH,

WHAT HAPPENS IS:

YOUR BELLY STARTS

TO PUSH OUT LIKE THIS,

AND THEN IT PUSHES

YOUR PANTS DOWN:

TO YOUR PELVIS,

'CAUSE THEY WON'T HANG

IN THE NORMAL PLACE

ANYMORE.

AND THEN DOWN THERE,

THEY FEEL LOOSE,

AND YOU START GOING,

"HEY! LOSING WEIGHT, EH?

I'M COMING DOWN!"

- "MY PANTS ARE GETTING LOOSE,

I AM GETTING THINNER.

I ATE MY WAY THROUGH TO

THE OTHER SIDE, I DID!"

- F*** IT, I DON'T GIVE A SH*T,

I'M FAT. LOOK AT THIS SH*T.

I DON'T F***ING CARE.

LOOK AT THAT.

- WOO!

- I DON'T CARE.

IT'S JUST A SWEATY BALL

OF F***ING FLESH.

I DON'T CARE.

LOOK HOW F***ED UP THIS IS, TOO,

IT GOES RIGHT IN.

LIKE, IT GOES AT A RIGHT ANGLE

AND HITS MY PELVIS.

IT DOESN'T, LIKE,

SLOPE BACK DOWN.

IT F***ING GOES IN,

AND THEN BACK UP.

IT'S F***ED UP.

- LIKE, WHEN I'M IN THE SHOWER

AND I'M SCRUBBING LIKE THIS,

WHEN I GET DOWN THERE,

I GOTTA TURN IN LIKE THIS,

I GOTTA ACTUALLY

MAKE A TURN.

I GOTTA F***IN' CUT IN...

WHERE THE CREVICE GETS

F***ING FILTHY.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

- IT IS, IT'S LIKE

A THEATER SEAT.

THERE'S LIKE F***ING-

RECEIPTS AND SH*T,

AND POPCORN, AND-

- F***ING KIDS TOYS,

AND, OH, F***, WHAT THE HELL?

MY BODY'S JUST FALLING APART,

MAN, I GOT TITS NOW, TOO.

I JUST GOT TITS.

- AND THAT IS A F***ED UP DAY

IN A MAN'S LIFE...

WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE MIRROR

AND YOU REALIZE-F***, I GOT-

'CAUSE YOU DON'T SEE

THEM COMING!

THEY'RE SORT OF POUTING OUT,

LITTLE BY LITTLE,

AND THEN ONE DAY, THEY JUS F***ING FALL A LITTLE,

AND THAT'S IT,

YOU HAVE TITS.

AND THEY'RE THERE

FOR GOOD,

THEY'RE NOT GONNA, LIKE,

GO BACK, IT'S F***ING OVER.

THAT'S THE THING IS THAT I'M 39,

I'M NOT GONNA GET BETTER.

I'M NOT GOING TO BE

ALL RIPPED WHEN I'M 48.

IT'S F***ING OVER.

IT'S THIS OR A LOT WORSE

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

BUT THE TITS WERE THE WORST,

'CAUSE I USED TO LAUGH

AT GUYS WITH TITS, THAT SHI AIN'T FUNNY TO ME ANYMORE.

- 'CAUSE THAT WAS

AN AWFUL MOMENT,

I'M JUST STANDING THERE LOOKING,

AND-GOT ALL THESE FEELINGS.

THEY MUST BE THE SAME

FEELINGS THAT A TEENAGE GIRL HAS

WHEN SHE GETS HER TITS!

IT MUST BE THE SAME...

IT'S THE ONLY THING THA A 12-YEAR-OLD GIRL

AND A 40-YEAR-OLD MAN

HAVE IN COMMON IS THAT MOMENT.

NOTHING!

HAVE TO CARRY MY BOOKS

LIKE THIS NOW.

- I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE THING IS?

I DON'T GIVE A SH*T.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT HOW I LOOK.

I'M BALD, I'M FAT,

I DON'T GIVE A F***.

I'M MARRIED, I GOT 2 KIDS,

AND MY WIFE HATES ME,

WHAT, AM I GONNA GET LAID

IF I LOSE A FEW POUNDS?

WHO F***IN' CARES?

LIKE I'M GONNA GET MAD P*SSY

IF I SUDDENLY LOOK BETTER?

NO. THAT SH*T IS OVER

FOR ME FOREVER.

AND I'M GLAD, I REALLY AM.

I'M RELIEVED.

NOW WHEN I SEE A BEAUTIFUL GIRL

WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

I'M LIKE, "HEY, F*** YOU,

I DON'T GIVE A SH*T."

- EW. GO F*** SOMEBODY ELSE,

I'LL JERK OFF TO YOU LATER,

PROBABLY HAVE A BETTER TIME.

- NOT LIKE SHE WOULD'VE F***ED

THE SH*T OUT OF ME ANYWAY,

YOU KNOW, LIKE SHE WOULD'VE

GIVEN ME HER BEST.

I NEVER REALLY GOT THE BES OUT OF A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I HAD SEX WITH:

A FEW BEAUTIFUL WOMEN,

AND THEY DIDN'T REALLY ROCK OU ON MY DICK SO MUCH.

IT WAS MORE LIKE, KIND OF LIKE,

"ALL RIGHT, WHY NOT,

GIVE IT A-HE'S KIND OF FUNNY,"

YOU KNOW, JUST SORT OF A-

BEGRUDGING F***

IN A WEIRD SITUATION WITH A LO OF REGRET AFTERWARDS.

I'VE BEEN THERE, LIKE-I WAS

IN OKLAHOMA CITY,

AND I SLEPT WITH THIS

BEAUTIFUL-BEAUTIFUL WOMAN,

SHE WAS SO HOT,

AND SHE GOT REALLY DRUNK

AND SHE F***ED ME,

AND THE NEXT MORNING,

I WAKE UP AND SHE'S LOOKING

AT ME, SHE'S LIKE,

"OH, GOD.

OH, JESUS CHRIST.

OH, MY, I CAN'T BELIEVE

YA'LL GOT TO F*** ME.

I CAN'T BELIEVE-"

SHE WAS BUMMED OU

I FEEL LIKE-I THINK SHE FEL LIKE SHE HAD RAPED HERSELF

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