Louis C.K.: Shameless Page #5

WITH MY DICK, THAT'S ACTUALLY,

LIKE, HOW SHE FELT.

- THAT'S SO WEIRD TO REALIZE

THAT YOU WERE SOMEBODY'S BOTTOM,

LIKE, YOU ARE SOMEBODY'S

PLACE THAT THEY GOT TO.

THAT THEY SAYOU IN THEIR BED

AND WENT, "OH, F***.

"OK, ALL RIGHT.

"I GOTTA TOTALLY STOP

ALL THIS SH*T NOW.

"F***...

"F-I GOTTA-OH, I GOTTA

GO BACK TO SCHOOL,

"I GOTTA F***IN'-

- CONCILE WITH MY DAD,

I- OH, F***IN' SH*T."

I NEVER HAD A PERIOD IN

MY LIFE WHERE I WAS, LIKE,

REALLY GOING HOG-WILD

WITH THE BABES.

I HAD A-IT WAS LATE FOR ME

WHEN I STARTED HAVING SEX,

I WAS 18 BEFORE

ANYTHING HAPPENED TO ME,

UH, MY GIRLFRIEND

GAVE ME A HAND JOB.

FIRST THING THAT HAPPENED

TO ME SEXUALLY EVER,

AND I MEAN, ITAS AWESOME,

IT WAS GREAT.

BECAUSE, UH, NOBODY HAD

EVER TOUCHED MY DICK,

NOBODY IN THE WORLD

HAD TOUCHED MY DICK.

MY DICK HAD TOUCHED

A LOT OF THINGS-

BECAUSE-

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WHEN

YOU'RE A YOUNG BOY,

YOU TOUCH YOUR DICK TO MANY

SURFACES AROUND THE WORLD,

JUST F***ING LOOKING FOR

ANYTHING THAT FEELS

GOOD ENOUGH-THAT, UH, YOU DON' HAVE TO TALK TO A GIRL.

THAT'S THE WHOLE...

BUT FINALLY I GOT THIS

GIRLFRIEND,

AND WE'RE MAKING OUT,

AND SHE REACHED DOWN,

AND SHE PUT HER HAND

AROUND MY DICK,

AND I F***IN' LOST-FIRST OF

ALL, I CAME IMMEDIATELY,

AND ALSO I STARTED

FARTING AS I CAME.

AND-

- HA HA HA HA,

NO-I STARTED FARTING,

IT WASN'T JUST-PH, PH, PH!

IT WAS THROUGHOUT,

AND SHE'S LAUGHING.

PHH, PHH-"HA HA HA HA!"

THAT'S HOW

MY SEX LIFE STARTED, OK?

THAT'S HOW IT STARTED.

F***ING SHAME AND DEPRESSION.

- BEFORE THAT, I WAS, UH,

IT WAS JUST ME:

MASTURBATING COPIOUSLY,

HAPPILY, I LOVED IT.

WHEN I DISCOVERED MASTURBATION,

I WAS SO HAPPY.

I LOVED IT,

EVERYBODY LOVES IT,

NOBODY'S-"UH,

THIS F***ING SUCKS,"

IT'S PRETTY

UNIVERSALLY LIKED.

BUT, UH-

I, UM,-

I REMEMBER WHEN:

I FIRST STARTED,

AND I THOUGHT I WAS

THE ONLY ONE DOING IT.

AND THEN I TOLD:

MY FRIEND JEFF,

AND, UH, HE WAS DOING IT, TOO.

SO WE START-THAT'S

HIS REAL NAME, TOO,

IT'S KIND OF F***ED UP

THAT I'M SAYING HIS NAME,

BUT ANYWAY, WE WERE-

- WE WERE COMPARING NOTES

ABOUT HOW WE MASTURBATED.

AND I DID IT, YOU KNOW,

WELL, I WAS 11,

SO I WAS GOING:

LIKE THIS, WHICH-

I ACTUALLY DID IT LIKE THIS

FOR A LONG TIME,

'CAUSE NOBODY TEACHES YOU

HOW TO JERK OFF.

SO, LIKE, EVEN ONCE MY DICK

GREW, I KEPT DOING IT LIKE THIS.

AND THEN I SAW A MOVIE

WHERE SOMEBODY WENT LIKE THAT,

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, F***,

THE WHOLE HAND!

THAT IS GENIUS!"

AWESOME!

- EASILY ONE OF THE BEST F***ING

THINGS I EVER DISCOVERED.

I STILL SOMETIMES-THIS

IS, AH, SO SMART.

SO SMART TO USE:

THE WHOLE HAND, AWESOME!

TO THIS DAY,

AND I'M LIKE, F***ING, UH,

WHOEVER-F***ING,

YEAH, AWESOME.

- BUT ANYWAY, JEFF DID I TOTALLY DIFFERENTLY.

JEFF DIDN'T, UH,

HE-WOULD LIE ON HIS STOMACH.

HE WOULD LAY ON HIS STOMACH

AND PRESS HIS DICK

INTO HIS PALM:

REALLY HARD,

AND HE ENJOYED THE PRESSURE.

AND, UH, SOME KIDS

DO IT LIKE THAT,

I LOOKED IT UP-BY THE WAY,

IT FUCKS YOUR DICK UP

SO DON'T DO IT,

DON'T DO IT, IT'S-

IT DOES F*** YOUR DICK UP,

BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW

SO HE WAS PUSHING

HIS DICK INTO HIS PALM,

AND I THINK SOMETIMES

HE WOULD PUT A BOOK

ON THE OTHER-BEHIND

HIS HAND, LIKE,

HE JUST LIKED THE PRESSURE.

AND HE COULDN'T GE ENOUGH PRESSURE,

SO HE SAID TO ME,

MAYBE IF I SAT ON HIS ASS

WHILE HE DID THIS-

IT WOULD BE BETTER.

SO I DID, I SAT ON HIS ASS-

- AND I REMEMBER THAT MOMENT,

I'M SITTIN' ON JEFF'S ASS...

- WHILE HE JERKED

HIMSELF OFF,

AND I REMEMBER THINKING

TO MYSELF,

ISN'T THIS GAY

THAT I'M DOING THIS?

- OR AM I JUS A REALLY GOOD FRIEND?

MAYBE I'JUS A GOOD FRIEND.

- IT'S WEIRD TO THINK NOW

THAT I F***ING SAT ON

AN 11-YEAR-OLD BOY'S ASS

WHILE HE MASTURBATED.

I MEAN, I WAS 11,

SO IT WAS COOL.

NOW I'D GET F***ING

CRUCIFIED FOR THAT SH*T.

HA HA HA!

I DIDN'T KNOW

WHAT I HAD, BOY.

EH, LET HER GO.

ALL RIGHT, EASY... WHEEZY.

HAH, ANYWAY...

SO NOW I'M MARRIED,

AND, UH,

THE SEX IS VERY DIFFEREN WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED

'CAUSE IT DOESN'T,

UH, EXIST, ACTUALLY.

- I WAS TALKING TO A FRIEND

OF MINE ABOUT HOW MY WIFE

AND I DON'T REALLY

F*** ANYMORE, AND HE SAID,

"WELL, DOES SHE

BLOW YOU AT LEAST?"

WHAT ARE YOU, F***ING HIGH?

YOU THINK SHE'S BLOWING ME?

WHO WANTS TO BLOW

THEIR HUSBAND?

WHO THE F*** WOULD WANT TO-

WHAT A BUMMER TO BLOW

YOUR HUSBAND.

YOU DON'T WAN TO BLOW YOUR HUSBAND,

YOU WANT TO BLOW YOUR DATE,

THAT'S WHO YOU WANT TO BLOW.

YOU WANT TO BLOW

A GUY YOU'VE BEEN DATING,

AND YOU DON' QUITE KNOW HIM YET.

HE COMES OVER AND PICKS

YOU UP, "OOH!

"THAT'S A NEW SHIRT,

I NEVER SAW THAT SHIRT ON HIM.

IT'S VERY HANDSOME."

YOU GO TO DINNER,

HE'S LIKE,

"HERE, TRY THIS."

"OH, NEW THINGS,

I LIKE NEW THINGS."

TELLS YOU SOMETHING FUNNY,

MAKES YOU LAUGH, "OOH!

HE SHOULDN'T SAY THAT,

OH, HE SHOULDN'T, OH."

TELLS YOU A SAD STORY,

"OH-OH, MY GOD... "

- YOU GO BACK TO HIS PLACE,

YOU SUCK HIS COCK,

AND YOU GO HOME,

THAT'S THE PROPER CONTEX FOR A BLOWJ*B.

- NOBODY WANTS TO

BLOW A GUY AND THEN

GO TO IKEA WITH HIM

ALL DAY, THAT'S NOT FUN.

- DO HIS SHITTY LAUNDRY,

AND THEN HE COMES OUT,

"HEY, SUCK MY DICK, OK?

WILL YOU SUCK:

MY DICK RIGHT NOW?"

"YES, I'M F***ING DYING TO SUCK

YOUR SMELLY OLD F***ING

"DISGUSTING DICK FOR

THE THOUSANDTH TIME.

I CAN'T F***IN' WAIT."

- MY, UM, MY WIFE

GAVE ME A HAND JOB,

UH, THE OTHER DAY,

AND, UH,

I GOTTA TELL YOU THAT I THINK

THAT THAT HAND JOB

WAS PROBABLY THE SADDEST THING

THAT EVER HAPPENED

IN AMERICA, IT REALLY WAS-

THE SADDEST F***ING THING.

THAT HAND JOB:

WAS SO TRAGIC,

THERE SHOULD BE, LIKE,

A MONUMENT TO THAT HAND JOB...

WITH A REFLECTING POOL

WHERE YOU JUST SIT AND THINK,

OH, THAT WAS F***ING SAD.

- LITTLE THING WHERE YOU

PUT ROCKS ON I AND THINK ABOUT IT,

AND, YOU KNOW...

HA HA HA.

HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU ABOU THIS HAND JOB.

UM...

- MY WIFE AND I WERE HOME

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY,

UH, THE BABY WAS ASLEEP

ON OUR BED,

THE 4-YEAR-OLD IS WHEREVER

THE F*** SHE GOES ALL DAY-

AND, UM...

- MY WIFE AND I ARE

SITTING ON THE COUCH,

JUST SITTING THERE, JUST F***ING

MARRIED ON THE COUCH, YOU KNOW?

JUST-AND MY WIFE LOOKED

AT ME, AND I DON'T KNOW

WHERE SHE GOT THIS SORT OF

SENSE THAT I WAS-

SHE SAID SOMETHING LIKE,

"HEY, WE HAVE TO GO TO THA THING FOR THE-"

AND I WAS LIKE, "OH,

WHO GIVES A SH*T?"

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS

THAT TIPPED HER OFF

THAT I WAS STARTING

TO FEEL REAL BAD-

HERE'S THE THING-

IS THAT AS FAR AS SEX,

FOR GUYS IT'S JUST NOT COMP-

WE JUST NEED TO RELEASE,

THAT'S ALL IT IS,

WE JUST-WE JUST NEED IT.

WOMEN, IT'S LIKE A F***ING

EMOTIONAL THING,

WHERE THEY NEED-WE NEED TO COME

JUST 'CAUSE WE NEED TO,

WOMEN, IT'S LIKE

THEY GET INTO IT.

THEY SHIVER AND THEN

THEY LIE ON THEIR SIDE AND CRY

AFTER AND ALL THA KIND OF IT.

BUT-BUT FOR GUYS

IT'S JUST SOMETHING THA WE NEED TO DO SO THA WE WON'T MURDER PEOPLE,

THAT'S ALL IT IS, REALLY.

- JUST MAINTENANCE,

OPEN THE F***ING VALVE

ONCE IN A WHILE, PLEASE.

THE CITY SHOULD PUT A RED TAG

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