Louis C.K.: Shameless Page #6

ON THE DICK THA HAS A PSI LEVEL THAT'S

UNACCEPTABLE.

- AND MY WIFE ALWAYS

WAITS TILL IT'S F***ING

WAY-LIKE,

TILL IT'S CRITICAL.

SHE LETS IT GO SO LONG,

UNTIL FINALLY:

WE'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH

AND SHE LOOKS AT ME-

"OK, WE'RE GONNA ALL BE

IN THE PAPER TOMORROW

IF I DON'T F***ING DO

SOMETHING."

SO...

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO F*** ME,

SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BLOW ME,

SO SHE LOOKS AT ME

AND SHE GOES-

"WELL... WOULD YOU LIKE

A HAND JOB?"

- I'M LIKE, "UH, YEAH,

THAT SOUNDS AWESOME."

- SO WE GO UPSTAIRS TO MY

DAUGHTER'S ROOM,

'CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY

EMPTY ROOM IN THE HOUSE-

- OHH!

- HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

F*** YOU, I PAY THE RENT,

I'LL SH*T ON HER BED IF

I WANT TO. SERIOUSLY.

LET ME HAVE A F***ING

HAND JOB IN MY HOUSE.

IT'S ALL I GET.

IT'S NOT ME, SHE WON' JERK ME OFF

IN THE LIVING ROOM 'CAUSE

THERE'S TOO MUCH NICE SHI I'M NOT ALLOWED TO COME ON.

THAT'S THE WHOLE THING.

I DON'T EVEN GET TO ENJOY

MY ORGASM,

'CAUSE THE SECOND I'M COMING

SHE'S POINTING MY DICK

AWAY FROM STUFF, "EW,

OH, CAREFUL!"

- SHE POINTS IT INTO

MY BELLYBUTTON, LIKE,

"MAKE IT GO BACK IN THERE,

CAN IT GO BACK IN?"

- ALL RIGHT, SO I'M LYING ON

THE FLOOR IN MY DAUGHTER'S ROOM,

LOOKING UP AT THE MOBILE

OF F***ING DUCKS

IN AIRPLANES...

- WHAT DOES A F***ING DUCK

NEED WITH AN AIRPLANE?

- WHAT DOES A BABY

GIVE A SH*T?

SO I'M LAYING THERE ON

THE FLOOR, AND MY WIFE IS JUS SITTING NEXT TO ME,

JUST-IN HER BATHROBE,

JUST-

- AND WEIRDLY, I'M NO GETTING OFF ON THIS.

THE F***ING WOMAN

GRIMACING AND TUGGING

ON MY PENIS DRYLY

WHILE BASICALLY READING

"PEOPLE" MAGAZINE

AT THE SAME TIME-

- IT'S NOT THAT-I'M NOT GETTING

OFF ON IT FOR SOME-

IT'S TAKING ME A WHILE

TO COME, AND SHE STARTS

GETTING IMPATIENT,

SHE'S LIKE, "COME ON!

COME ON!"

LIKE YELLING "COME ON" INTO

MY DICK, SERIOUSLY.

- AT ONE POINT,

I WANTED HER TO LICK HER PALM.

I GOT THIS IDEA,

MAYBE IF SHE LICKS HER PALM,

THERE WILL BE SOME SEMBLANCE OF

SOMETHING GOING ON.

AND SO I HAD TO-YOU GOTTA

APPROACH ASKING FOR THOSE THINGS

CAREFULLY, YOU CAN'T JUST GO,

"HEY, LICK YOUR PALM!"

LIKE THAT, 'CAUSE THAT'LL

RUIN WHATEVER MOOD

THERE ALREADY ISN'T.

SO, I GO, LIKE, "EHH.

"COULD YOU... MAYBE

LICK YOUR PALM?

LICK YOUR PALM?

LICK YOUR PALM?"

SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT?"

"LICK YOUR PALM... LICK-"

"LICK... YOUR PALM... "

SHE GOES, "WHAT THE F***

ARE YOU SAYING TO ME?"

YOU KNOW WHAT SHE

THOUGHT I SAID?

SHE THOUGHT I SAID,

"YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR MOM."

- SO NOW I GOTTA GE THAT OUT OF MY HEAD.

I'M TRYING TO F***ING,

LIKE, CLOSE MY EYES,

AND FANTASIZE THA SHE GIVES A SH*T,

NOTHING'S WORKING.

AND FINALLY SHE GOES, "HEY,

I'M GETTING REALLY TIRED."

SO YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?

I FINALLY JUST TOOK

HER HAND IN MY HAND,

AND I JUST JERKED MYSELF OFF.

WITH HER HAND!

SHE'S LIKE, "OH, THANK YOU,

THAT'S MUCH EASIER THAT WAY."

THAT HAS TO BE:

THE LOWEST FORM OF SEX

THAT'S EVEN F***ING POSSIBLE!

TO JUST BE JERKING MYSELF OFF

WITH MY TIRED WIFE'S HAND.

- SHE MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD A THAT POINT, SERIOUSLY,

SHE MIGHT AS WELL BE

A F***ING CORPSE.

I CAME HOME AND FOUND

HER DEAD AND-"F*** IT,

I'M GETTING ONE MORE BEFORE

I CALL THE POLICE."

JUST ONE MORE,

WHO IS IT HURTING?

I'M NOT HURTIN' NOBODY.

I'LL CALL 9-1-1.

SHE'S NOT GETTING

ANY BETTER.

COPS FIND DNA ON HER WRIST.

"HMM...

"SHE GAVE HIM A HAND JOB

AND THEN DIED OF SHAME, I THINK.

I DON'T KNOW

WHAT HAPPENED."

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S REALLY THE KIDS

THAT DO YOU IN.

WE HAVE 2 KIDS, THAT'S F***ING

STUPID, DON'T DO THAT,

BECAUSE YOU JUST-I ALSO-IT-MAINLY WHAT IT DOES

TO A MARRIAGE, IT JUS CHANGES THE WAY THAT YOU THINK

ABOUT YOUR SPOUSE,

'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED,

WHEN YOU FIRST GET MARRIED,

YOU HAVE A RELATIONSHIP

THAT'S SO IMPORTANT TO YOU,

AND YOU'RE WORKING ON I TOGETHER, BUT THEN

YOU HAVE A KID,

AND YOU LOOK AT YOUR KID

AND YOU GO, "HOLY SH*T,

"THIS IS MY CHILD,

SHE HAS MY DNA,

SHE HAS MY NAME.

I WOULD DIE FOR HER."

AND YOU LOOK A YOUR SPOUSE AND GO,

"WHO THE F*** ARE YOU?

YOU'RE A STRANGER.

WHY DO I TAKE SHI FROM YOU?"

- BUT IT'S REALLY-IT'S THE KIDS

THAT MAKE IT VERY HARD.

WE HAVE 2-WE HAVE,

UH, A BABY,

AND I DON'T REALLY KNOW

THE BABY, TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

BECAUSE SHE HASN' SAID ANYTHING,

SO I DON'T REALLY

KNOW HER.

UH...

- I LIKE HER, SHE'S FINE,

BUT I DON'T KNOW HER.

HOW DO I KNOW:

WHAT SHE'S REALLY LIKE?

MAYBE SHE F***IN' HATES JEWS,

I DON'T KNOW,

I DON'T KNOW NOTHING

ABOUT HER.

- PEOPLE ASK ABOUT HER

ALL THE TIME, THEY'RE LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT'S YOUR BABY LIKE?"

SHE'S A F***ING BABY,

WHAT DO YOU WANT-

YOU EVER SEEN A BABY?

THAT'S EXACTLY WHA MY BABY'S LIKE.

"BUT WHAT'S GOING ON

WITH YOUR BABY?"

- JESUS. SHE GOT FIRED

FROM TARGET,

AND, UH...

- SHE'S GETTING AN ABORTION.

IT'S BEEN A TOUGH YEAR,

BUT OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW...

- IT'S NOT A VERY COMPLICATED

RELATIONSHIP WITH A BABY.

YOU-IT'S JUST SOMEBODY

I HAVE TO MAKE NOT DIE,

THAT'S REALLY WHA THE WHOLE THING IS.

AND, THERE-I'M BETTER AT I SOMETIMES THAN OTHERS.

UM, ONE TIME I TOOK MY DAUGHTER

TO THE GROCERY STORE,

AND I HAD TO PUT HER IN

THE STROLLER.

SHE WON'T GO ON

THE F***ING CART.

SHE'S THE ONLY BABY

IN THE WORLD:

THAT WON'T GO IN THE SHOPPING

CART AND SIT THERE.

YOU TRY TO PUT HER THERE

AND HER LEGS CURL UP,

AND SHE GOES, "WAAH!"

F***ING PSYCHO,

SO I GOTTA PUT HER IN

A STROLLER,

AND I GOT A CART,

AND I'M PUSHING THEM BOTH

THROUGH THE F***ING

SUPERMARKET.

AND THEN I-OK,

SO I'M DONE SHOPPING,

AND THEN I GO OU TO THE PARKING LOT.

AND I OPEN THE CAR-FIRS I START THE CAR

BEFORE I PUT THEM IN THERE,

'CAUSE I WANT IT TO GE NICE AND COOL

'CAUSE I LOVE HER,

SO I HAVE TO MAKE IT NICE

AND COMFORTABLE.

LOOK, I DO, I LOVE

MY CHILDREN, I LOVE MY WIFE,

I WISH I DIDN'T.

HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE

TO WAKE UP ONE MORNING,

"F*** IT, I DON'T FEEL NOTHING

FOR THESE A**HOLES,"

AND JUST WALK OUT THE DOOR.

- BUT SO FAR,

NO SUCH LUCK.

SO, I START THE A.C.,

THEN I PUT THE GROCERIES IN,

THEN I GO TO GET MY DAUGHTER

OUT OF THE STROLLER,

I GOT DOWN THERE, AND I REALIZE

THAT THE EXHAUST PIPE

IS RIGHT IN HER:

F***ING FACE,

IT'S JUS F***ING-BRRR!

I'M LIKE, "F***!"

- I ALMOST KILLED MY KID

IN THE DUMBES F***ING WAY EVER!

- IF SHE DIED LIKE THAT,

I COULDN'T TELL HER MOM.

I COULDN'T F***ING GO HOME

WITH THAT STORY.

"I PUT HER AND I F***ING,

I DON'T KNOW, I-

"DIDN'T REALIZE-

F*** YOU.

I JUST-I DON'T KNOW."

I'D HAVE TO THROW HER

INTO TRAFFIC, ELP!"

YOU KNOW, THAT WOULD

BE BETTER-

TO ACTUALLY TELL HER THA I THREW HER INTO TRAFFIC.

THE OTHER KID WE HAVE IS, UH,

SHE'S A GIRL AND SHE'S 4,

AND SHE'S ALSO

A F***ING A**HOLE.

UM...

- IT'S TRUE, MAN.

I'M SERIOUS.

I SAY THAT WITH NO REMORSE.

F***ING A**HOLE.

SHE'S A DEUTSCHEBAG.

SHE IS!

F***ING JERK.

THE OTHER DAY, I'M LIKE,

"PUT YOUR SHOES ON,

WE'RE TRYING TO LEAVE.

"PUT YOUR SHOES ON, PLEASE.

PUT YOUR SHOES ON.

PUT YOUR SHOES ON."

HOW MANY TIMES CAN YOU

SAY THAT TO SOMEBODY BEFORE

YOU JUST WANT TO KICK THEM

RIGHT IN THE F***ING FACE?

SERIOUSLY, IF YOU'RE

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