Louis C.K.: Shameless Page #7

WITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE

THAT ARE TRYING:

TO GO SOMEWHERE,

AND YOU CAN'T GO-YOU CAN'T GO,

BECAUSE A MEMBER

OF YOUR PARTY JUS REFUSES TO PUT THEIR SHOES ON,

THAT PERSON IS:

A F***ING A**HOLE. OK?

- YOU DON'T DO THAT TO PEOPLE,

IMAGINE BEING WITH A GROUP-

"HEY, WE CAN'T GO."

"WHY?"

"'CAUSE F***ING BILL WON' PUT HIS SHOES ON,

HE JUST WON' PUT THEM ON."

"F***, BILL,

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?"

"I DON'T WANT TO PUT THEM ON."

F*** YOU!

- F***ING KID SUCKS, SERIOUSLY,

THE OTHER DAY I'M-

I WALK IN THE KITCHEN,

SHE'S TALKING TO MY WIFE.

SHE SAYS, UH, "MAMA,

I SAW A DOGGY TODAY."

AND I WAS LIKE, "REALLY?

WHERE DID YOU SEE A DOGGY?"

AND SHE'S LIKE,

"I'M TELLING MAMA, NOT YOU."

I'M LIKE,

HEY, F*** YOU.

I'M JUST ASKING TO BE

NICE ANYWAY.

WHAT, YOU THINK I ACTUALLY

GIVE A SHI ABOUT THE DOG YOU SAW?

LIKE THAT WAS GONNA BE

AN AWESOME STORY

THAT YOU SAW A F***ING DOG.

WHO GIVES A SH*T?

I GOT BETTER STORIES THAN YOU,

I HAVE AN INTERESTING LIFE.

I'M ON F***ING TELEVISION

AND I WON AN EMMY,

YOU DON'T ASK WHAT F***IN'

HAPPENED TO ME TODAY,

YOU LITTLE B*TCH.

NO, HA HA HA HA.

I DIDN'T SAY THA TO HER, OBVIOUSLY.

BUT THAT'S THE THING,

NOBODY EVER CALLS HER

ON HER BULLSHIT.

- THAT'S HOW SHE GOT TO BE

AN A**HOLE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

NOBODY JUST GOES,

"AH, F*** YOU. YOU DON'T KNOW."

- I'D LOVE TO FOR 1 DAY,

JUST F***ING-

BE TOTALLY HONEST-"OH,

YOU DREW A DOG?

"LET ME SEE THAT.

THAT'S NOT HOW IT LOOKS.

"ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME?

THAT'S A SCRIBBLE.

"THAT'S NOTHING, THAT'S NO EVEN A ANYTHING.

"SHOW ME A DOG THAT LOOKS LIKE

THAT, I'LL GIVE YOU $1,000.

SERIOUSLY."

- AH, F***ING, UH,

THE OTHER DAY I WAS JUST, LIKE

JUST DREAMING ABOUT JUS F***ING KICKING HER.

LIKE, KICKING HER

OUT A WINDOW, YOU KNOW,

JUST F***ING-PFF!

- I WOULD NEVER

F***ING HURT HER,

BUT I WANT TO-I DO,

YOU KNOW?

ONE TIME MY DAUGHTER

HAD A BLACK EYE:

BECAUSE, UH, SHE WALKED INTO

A DOOR 'CAUSE SHE'S STUPID.

AND, UM...

SHE HAD A LITTLE BLACK EYE,

AND I TOOK HER TO ICE CREAM-

WE WENT TO AN:

ICE CREAM PLACE,

AND EVERYBODY IN

THE ICE CREAM PLACE IS LIKE,

GIVING ME A DIRTY LOOK.

AND I REALIZE,

THEY THINK I HIT HER!

AND SHE HAS:

A BLACK EYE NOW,

THAT'S WHY I'M TAKING HER

TO ICE CREAM.

THAT'S WHAT THEY THINK.

AND I WAS SO INSULTED,

I WANTED TO SAY,

HEY, F*** ALL OF YOU, OK?

SHE'S THIS BIG.

YOU INK IF I HIT HER

SHE'D HAVE A BLACK EYE?

SHE'D BE F***ING DECIMATED!

THERE'D BE NOTHING THERE.

LOOK AT THIS SH*T.

I WOULD RUIN HER HEAD

WITH ONE PUNCH-EASILY.

SHE HAS NO DEFENSIVE SKILLS.

SHE F***ING SUCKS.

SHE'D BE LIKE, JUST SMILING

AT ME AND-PFF!

THERE'D BE JUST F***ING-

- JUST A DENT THERE

LIKE A F***ING BOMB WENT OFF.

- I DON'T KNOW,

I LOVE MY DAUGHTER,

BUT PEOPLE REALLY

DON'T GET WHAT IT'S LIKE

WITH A KID FULL-TIME,

YOU KNOW-

WE-WE PARENTS MAKE YOU

LOVE OUR KIDS:

'CAUSE WE DRESS THEM UP

AND TAKE THEM OUT.

LOOK AT HER-AND EVERYBODY

GOES, "OHH... NICE."

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW

WHAT SHE'S LIKE

WHEN SHE COMES HOME,

THE DRESS COMES OFF,

SHE F***ING RUBS

HER ASS IN MUD,

SHE'S F***ING GROSS.

- SHE WON'T F***ING

TAKE A BATH, LIKE, YOU CAN-

ONCE YOU HAVE A BABY,

YOU CAN'T FORCE-

F*** HER, LET HER SLEEP

IN HER CLOTHES,

I'M NOT DEALING

WITH IT TONIGHT.

HER HAIR GETS CLUMPY,

SHE STINKS.

SOMETIMES IT'S LIKE,

F***ING, UGH!

JUST F***ING RANCID,

STINKY F***ING KID.

SHE F***IN'-

IN FRONT OF PEOPLE-

SHE LIKE SCRATCHES HER A**HOLE

IN FRONT OF PEOPLE, LIKE,

F***ING DEEP A**HOLE

SCRATCHING-

IN THE F***ING PANTIES.

AND THEN SHE SMELLS

HER FINGER.

THAT'S THE KIND OF

PERSON I'M TALKING ABOUT.

SHE'S DISGUSTING!

- THE OTHER DAY, I COME HOME,

AND SHE'S JUST LAYING

ON THE CARPET WITH

JUST-SPREAD EAGLE NAKED,

AND SHE'S JUST STRETCHING

HER VAGINA OPEN,

GOING, "AAH!"

JUST F***ING-

- F***ING HOLDING IT OPEN.

I'M LIKE, F***!

SH*T, OK.

WOW.

THAT'S... WOW.

- DON'T REACT.

I CAN'T-I CAN'T GO,

AAH! I CAN'T DO THAT,

THAT'LL F*** HER UP.

JUST GO, HELLO,

HI, HOW ARE YOU?

HI, HOW'S SCHOOL? OK.

"AAH!"

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE F***

TO DO ABOUT IT, EITHER.

'CAUSE SHE DOES I ALL THE TIME, AND I CAN'T-

I DON'T WANT TO STOP HER!

'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

SHE'S HAPPY.

THAT'S THE HAPPIES I'VE EVER SEEN ANY PERSON

IN MY ENTIRE LIFE.

THAT'S A F***ING HUMAN BEING

AT THEIR HAPPIEST,

JUST, "AAH!"

THAT'S WHAT WE ALL WISH

WE COULD DO!

WE SHOULD ALL:

BE DOING THAT, BUT-

- WE GOTTA F***ING

STOP IT, THOUGH,

'CAUSE SHE'LL BE

F***ING HOMELESS

IF SHE DOESN'T CU THIS SH*T.

- SO, YEAH,

IT'S F***IN'...

MY WIFE, UM,

TOOK THE KIDS OU THE OTHER DAY WHEN SHE-

SHE JUST-THE MOS AMAZING THING IS WHEN-

WHEN YOU GET TO BE

ALONE IN YOUR HOUSE.

AS A DAD, YOU NEVER GET TO BE

ALONE. OR AS A M.

BUT WHEN THE OTHER PAREN TAKES THE KIDS OUT,

AND YOU'RE ALONE,

THAT'S F***ING AWESOME.

AND I THINK:

I'M GETTING OLDER,

'CAUSE THE WAY I USE THAT TIME

HAS TOTALLY CHANGED.

I USED TO HAVE, YOU KNOW,

JERK FEST 2006,

ARE YOU SHITTIN' ME?

JERKING OFF:

IN MY OWN HOUSE...

ALONE, IN MY OWN BED...

TAKING MY TIME,

GO THROUGH MY WIFE'S SHI FOR PICTURES OF HER FRIENDS

I WANT TO F***,

EVERYTHING WAS AWESOME!

- BUT I'M OLDER NOW,

SO I DON'T DO THAT.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT.

NOW WHEN EVERYBODY LEAVES,

YOU KNOW WHAT I DO?

I JUST SH*T FOR HOURS.

I TAKE A BIG, LONG-

BEAUTIFULLY PRIVATE SH*T,

WITH NOBODY F***ING WITH ME.

THAT'S MY DREAM-

IN LIFE-

IS TO TAKE A SHI WITHOUT PEOPLE

F***ING WITH ME.

'CAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS,

FIRST OF ALL,

THE OTHER PARENT STARTS

BANGING AWAY ON THE DOOR,

"GET OUT OF THERE!

HELP ME!"

- OR MY 4-YEAR-OLD WALKS IN

WHILE I'M SHITTING.

SHE JUST F***ING

WALKS IN THE ROOM

AND DOES A LITTLE DANCE.

- I'M LIKE,

GET OUT OF HERE!

MY A**HOLE IS THIS BIG, I'M

PUSHING A SH*T OUT RIGHT NOW,

I DON'T WANT TO SEE

A CUTE FACE AT THIS MOMENT.

THAT'S TRAUMATIZING.

- AND I-AND SO WHEN THEY LEAVE,

EVEN IF I DON'T HAVE TO,

I JUST SH*T FOR A F***ING HOUR,

MY ASS DRIES OUT,

I DON'T CARE. I STAY THERE

'CAUSE I LOVE SHITTING.

THAT'S HOW OLD I AM,

I LOVE TO SH*T.

IT'S MY FAVORITE THING.

I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY

CALL IT NUMBER 2,

I THINK IT'S EASILY

THE BEST ONE.

IN MY BOOK, IT'S NUMBER 1.

HA HA.

BUT, UH, NO, IT'S-

IT'S HARD, HAVING KIDS

AND BEING MARRIED,

IT'S DIFFICULT, AND,

YOU KNOW, WHATEVER, BUT-

ONE THING THAT'S

MADE ME-IT'S IMPOSSIBLE

FOR ME TO HAVE ANY SYMPATHY

FOR SINGLE PEOPLE.

I JUST DON'T GIVE A SHI ABOUT SINGLE PEOPLE.

I DON'T DISLIKE SINGLE PEOPLE,

BUT I DON'T GET-

WHENEVER SINGLE PEOPLE

COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING,

I REALLY WANT THEM TO JUS SHUT THE F*** UP.

BECAUSE FIRST OF ALL,

IF YOU'RE SINGLE,

YOU LIFE HAS NO CONSEQUENCE

ON THE EARTH.

EVEN IF YOU'RE HELPING

PEOPLE AGGRESSIVELY,

WHICH YOU'RE

F***ING NOT,

NOBODY GIVES A SHI WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU.

YOU CAN DIE, AND I ACTUALLY DOESN'T MATTER.

IT DOESN'T. YOUR MOTHER

WILL CRY, WHATEVER.

BUT OTHERWISE, NOBODY

GIVES A SH*T.

I CAN'T DIE,

I GOT 2 KIDS

AND MY WIFE DOESN' F***ING WORK.

SO I DON'T GET TO DIE.

I CAN'T DIE.

I LOVE HER, BUT SHE'S

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